oh the hurt. . - Al-Anon Family Group

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

oh the hurt. .

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

hang in there ocean..im going through the same thing..tears then strong resolve..then fear..over and over. your higher power has guided u through enduring worse and u are still here..soo hold on. all of us are out here. we can only do our best. I find that i have to just go through minute by miinute and also First Things First. Doing one solid constructive but small step helps me. to get it out, make a list of the things u have to do. then take a self break,beathe and do something for yourself on the list
hugs from me..my ah goes though the promises,pleading, anger and it is hard to see after 24 yrs with him.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Even after my brain knew that I did not need to be with my ex. my heart held on, even though he never brought me anything but pain. I began to look at it as my addiction and that "the heart is deceitful above all things". I could not live my life based on my heart because that had not gone well for a long time.

Time eventually did make it much better Time and distance... every time I talked to him it was like a step backwards for me, as far as letting it all go. I'm glad you have someone to talk to and I'm very sorry for your pain every persons situation is different... my thoughts and prayers are with you~

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Well said glad. I am only four months out.
I am still trying to retrain my heart and soul.
Its not easy and also to come to terms with all
The bad that happened. I need to face it And
process it and hopefully really let it go.

Hugs

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

He is trying to make it the way it was because he is losing a very comfy life for himself. What cheater wouldn't want to be able to cheat with a friend and keep his partner too? To practice all his addictions without any consequences? Their denial is so strong that they think they can get away even with those things. His "hope" is the product of a sick and manipulative mind, I'm afraid.

But if he thinks things can change for the better, great, he can go ahead and get hard into his own recovery and honesty. Sure enough, after a year or two of working those hard, things will be better for him.

If he thinks he can make things better without years of recovery and honesty, that's denial and self-deception, not hope.

As for us - when the worst happens, of course we feel sad. It's painful to be cheated on, painful to be treated badly. Painful that once we had hopes for this relationship and the man has let us down so badly. And sometimes we are addicted to the man, and addicted to the struggle of trying to make it right. Sometimes we hardly know who we are without that struggle and addiction.

I felt a lot of pain in the lead-up to the separation. But for myself, once it had happened, I felt an enormous peace. I think that may be coming for you, when the storms have passed by.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

Just to add. . Daughter refused to.leave the house with me today . . Which crushed me. . You have to understand that for the past 8 years we have been inseperable. Dad is never home. . We do movie nites. Sleep.in momsbed on weekends, girls nites etc and these past two weeks IM the one she doesnt know how to be with. .And at bedtime he announces, "emma is going to.church with me in the mornibg. Oj. . You can have some alone time. . REALLY!!!And she wont ask him and get a straight ans as to why mommy usnt going. . No.instead i will get the cold shoulder. Just tobreakmy heart more. . Mi.d you hegas benn to church ib two years dure to being hungover and critical but now hes church guy, when i just spent the last three years goi.g alo.e. . Im TICKED AND HURT. Sure idlike him to better himself but NOW, are you kidding me. . So in two weeks time i found texts from his lover, then found pics . .I knew they surface eventually, i told him im done and NOW he wants to recover. . DO it oyour time i strat to think. And thanks to the pastor chat hes all GOD can heal us. . really¿¿¡¡¡ just let me out of this insanity. .

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((TOC)) he cannot keep up this farce forever. You can go to Church and if he wants to take daughter you can go alone It will help you spiritually.

Daughter is confused and hurt It would be great for her to get into counseling or alateen so she can have the support we all need during this time
Mattie said it well , recovery is a long and often difficult process. If he thinks he can go to a few meetings, urge you to go to a counselor and all will be well he is mistaken . He mist overhaul his entire life , physically, emotionally and spiritually- that is a huge undertaking and one that takes time.
You are living with your tools and taking care of your Good work

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

Oh. . And to and to.my stress two.major holidays are coing up. He wont be welcome at my family functions, he will try to turn my daighter from them. . How do i DO this. . This is why i never wanted to go .down.this road

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

Oh and HE wont agree to child going to therapy. hes going to.be sure she know
s THE TRUTH. .

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Kids tire of hearing one parent rant on and on about the other; you'll be surprised by how quickly she stops listening to his "truth" and figures out her own truth.
My daughter sometimes comes home from her fathers house with various accusations about me that she has picked up from he and his wife (who seem determined to believe and preach a certain 'truth" about me.) And I've learnt that if I calmly allow her to say what she needs to and remind her that people don't always see things the same way, she lets it go quickly. Wheras if I get upset and desperately try to convince her of my side of the story, I alienate her further. She doesn't care what I think of her father and his wife, and I don't care what they think of me. Laughing it off and moving on to nicer conversations lets her know that it's OK not to waste time wallowing in other people's opinions and dramas...what they think of me is none of my business. I think it's a good approach and helps show her how to deal with heresay and muckraking...
Believe me I know that it isn't easy but your A can only turn your daughter into a piece of ammunition against you if you let him. You can show her that you respect her more than that by dismissing his nasty character assasinations and continuing on as the same close, loving mother you have always been without giving much time or thought to what he might have said about you.
I wish I'd figured that out much earlier on.

Hugs.
It will get easier when you have some time and distance between you and he.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.