It has been a whirl wind of events and they just keep coming.  I'm so not happy because I haven't had a chance to get out and play pool I probably won't for a couple more weeks.  I can't find a good groove to get in between the kids and I. 

Life has been pretty good.  A little scary and I just keep trying to do the best I can. 

I have a cowboy who is interested however .. I don't know .. I'm just so dang gun shy .. not literally .. lol .. emotionally and I'm just not there yet.  Almost 4 years later too .. nothing to do with the XAH and "feelings of love/loss" definitely everything to do with what is best for the kids and I which I'm unsure about at this point and time.  It's only coffee however I can tell he wants way more than I am willing to consider at the moment.  My life is not on a definition of "socially normal" yet which I think is over rated .. the kids and I are still not totally settled yet. 

There are some girlfriends in my life who are pushing for the first date kind of thing and I know I just need to rip that band aide off and do it .. still .. not exactly sure just yet.  I feel like well maybe however not really.  LOL.  I'm not a walking contradiction or anything .. lol.   

Work is great I'm learning sooo much and unlike my last job I know I'm fully appreciated .. my boss is the best and I am doing what I need to do and supporting her to the best of my ability. I have to say this is all very new to me.  She absolutely makes it very easy to do what is needed for her.  As long as I take it first thing first and one day at a time.  We talk program a lot and that's been good for me.  I'm trying to learn when I just need to listen and be a sounding board.  We have the same warped humor and that makes it funnier. 

I have two big projects to get through on Monday and I'm definitely getting in earlier than later on those.  I need to communicate that with her though so she's not surprised when she comes in and I will have to leave at the same time too. 

The kids are fantabulous.  My daughter is on the high honor roll and my son is doing so well he's actually getting into trouble for talking in class .. lol .. that's something I never thought would happen and he has another girlfriend which tickles me.  We are talking about a boy with no cell phone and he sees her at school .. lol.  He won't call her on my phone .. LOL.  So it's all very innocent. 

There has been one incident with the X unfortunately that left me to clean up his collateral damage yet again.  I will be very happy when court is completely done and we are no longer doing this dance.  I really believe that once that happens it will be out of sight out of mind kind of deal.  He's very angry and unfortunately instead of taking it out on me he is taking it out on the kids. I'm trying to stay out of it.  When I'm having to go in late on a Monday to soothe feathers and open sores that absolutely makes me want to react in anger.  I didn't and that says a lot about Alanon in my life.  They are both better and doing well.  It's unfortunate that the X wants to treat them as if they are possessions and not individuals with feelings and thoughts of their own.  Plus to add insult to injury he then is angry with me so he visits his negativity on the kids. 

Anyway, they are doing much better and with all of the different activities they haven't had time to think about what he is or isn't doing in their life.  My daughter has her first match coming up.  My son and I are very excited to go and support her.  WOOT WOOT!! 

I'm trying to get myself in line financially and it's coming together however not at the same time.  It will get better.  I just have to hang on for a bit longer.  I have been blessed by so many different people as well as making better decisions I hope .. lol.  Some days are better than others.

I decided to keep my contact with my mother to email.  I don't want to talk to her right now.  When I look at the continuing behavior from both of us I think that it's just a safer way to go.  I can edit what I say, keep it on track and not revisit the past which can't be changed.  Plus I have the added benefit of not listening to her whine and I have done that my whole life.  Literally.  Poor her, how life isn't fair.  I'm not the daughter she wanted .. the list goes on .. lol .. just not interested.  I'm not interested in hearing who I should be, how I should be and why I'm not a better person .. lol.  I can easily ignore that part of the deal.  My daughter is always horrified over the exchanges we have and she has seen how my mom picks at my son.  She realizes that it's just not healthy and has made comments.  It's like I told both of the kids though .. it's not healthy to not have total contact .. she doesn't need to know what I'm doing, where I work or anything else in my life.  I can share how you two are doing and keep it very superficial in terms of I'm fine thanks for asking. Yes there are things about the past I can't change .. the big boundary for me is keeping the negativity/misery out of my life, for me that is a challenge. 

Ohhh .. the XAH not paying support has become an easy fix .. I just leave him a text he doesn't respond I go straight to the NW and let her know he's not fulfilling his financial obligation .. hence the anger at the kids and I'm sure he's heard from his atty as well.  I'm just not playing with him and he's slowly getting the message as I throw the boundaries down as to my reactions to his choice of non action in this situation.  I know he was pissed about the last text I sent the wife.  Oh well not my issue. 

No new movement on court yet.  So wait and see. 

Hugs S :)