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My ah took the day off yesterday which is not a problem. But while we were out shopping someone from his work text him looking for a couple of phone numbers he has in his phone. Since ah was driving he had me text this person the numbers from my phone while I read them off his phone. I've talked to this person several times and we've become friends. But she asked me if he was OK,she was worried about him. I told her he over slept and decided to just take the day off and he was fine. Kinda blowing her question off. If these people are wondering why he's feeling and looking the way he does and they start coming to me I don't know if I should tell them he's an alcoholic or just say he's fine. They may have it figured out already but I still have to live with ah and not sure I should tell them if they do ask. I don't care if they know but I don't want my ah to know they asked and I told them. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks
In Al-Anon it is suggested that we not engineer a crisis, bu also that we step out of the way between an A's action and the consequences. Covering up for the A does qualify as interceding between the action and the consequences. If you do a search on "Enabling," there is a lot of good information out there.
In these circumstances, when someone says "Is he okay?", some people say, "Well, you'll have to ask him about that."
I myself was not shy about saying, "He's drunk." But of course you would never do that if your A has any tendency towards violence. You'd also have to be ready in case the questioner said something silly like "Why didn't you stop him from drinking?"
pixie - What another person is doing, saying or not doing/saying is none of my business. The program tells me to stay on my side of the street, and work on me. I believe that each person has a right to their own story, so it's not my place to answer these types of questions. I tend to refer the person asking to the person they're asking about.
I gave up gossip and blaming others a long time ago. I try to stick with 'winners' which would be like minded. Most folks that know me well don't ask me about others. Of course, there are always those who are just politely inquiring and my standard answer is he's good or he's fine. They truly don't want to know - they're just engaging.
There is not a single person that I know or who knows me that would ask me why I didn't stop another from drinking. How you answered appeared perfectly fine. If your husband's disease progresses, and inquiring minds want to know, you can deal with it then. Projecting into the future about anything that may happen hasn't ever proven to be a good strategy for me. I was uncomfortable as this disease progressed with my son(s). I answer with the truth without violating their privacy - such as, "There are some ups and some downs, but for today all appears alright."
Hang in there and work on you. As you get stronger in the program, the answers will come. Each situation is different and each day is unique. Know that we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for the advice,it's excellent! I don't want people to think I haven't tried to get my husband to stop drinking or even drinking as much. I have but I gave up years ago. So to protect myself from others thinking that I haven't tried helping him maybe it's a good idea to tell them I tired but the rest is up to him.The only time he got violent was when I wanted him to see an article in a medical book on alcoholism. He threw the book at me and hit my leg. I did have a bruise so he threw it pretty hard. I told him right there he can do what he wants,drink himself to death if he wanted to. Well,I think he's on his way. So if I'm asked again about what's wrong with him I'm going to tell them.
Thanks
I agree with IAM, telling someone else that your AH is an alcoholic really is none of anyones business. I am not shy about telling my friends and family that I am a member of Al-anon, but when it comes to my AH's friends, family and co-workers, I mind my own business. Hope that helps.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:42:44 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Pixie alanon reinforces the idea that" what others think of us is of none of our concerns." That is because many of us spend our entire lives attempting to please others and neglect what is rally important-- ourselves. You know what you have done and that is enough. If anyone asked" Is everything ok? I would say "yes of coarse why do you ask? that usually ends the conversation I would never tell a co worker or friend --He is a drunk. if they say he seems to drink too much I would smile and say yes I know why not talk to him about it. .
Umm .. ok .. not advising however ANY woman who calls from a job asking about MY sig other is just not appropriate .. I'm coming from the stand point of my XAH was cheating with a woman at work. That's just me.
Personally, I redirect back to my XAH now .. if someone who I don't know, I'm not close to asks about my X I just tell them they need to ask him it's really not my business. I have learned how to let him handle his stuff and stay out of it. The ONLY person I would be telling my XAH is an alcoholic when it comes to work are the EAP people because they are obligated NOT to say anything to anyone else and sorry we need his check. Most people know that he's not ok and the reason why however that he has brought on himself.
Anyway, just my opinion and what I have taken away from my self discovery .. I'm just not responsible for someone else's behavior.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It hard when we're put in this position especially face to face. A non committal answer might be to say that you try to not to get involved with anything concerning him and his workplace and that it would be better to ask him the question. I was questioned this way when my recovering abf was newly sober. His dau was hypervigilant about him, watching every expression on his face, word out of his mouth and asking probing questions of me. I smiled and suggested she ask her father that I didn't feel comfortable speaking for him or about him. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Oh they know believe me. If they are asking you the thought has crossed their mind. If asked you don't have to come out and label him an A. You could just say he is struggling with some issues right now and leave it at that.
