The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I caved and replied to XABF email. I was disappointed in myself, but then I read a few others posts today. I've decided I will be grateful that I removed a lot of the you, you, you and made it I feel, and other I statements. It was definitely not perfect, but every time I can remove one you, followed my something nasty, I think I'm doing myself a favour in the long run. I wonder if that sounds trivial but I'm having a hard time rattling around my house filled with ghosts of the past, to be grateful for it And the other blessings in my life. I hope those will come in time.
Good going on the "I"statements. Thats when you Know
you are starting to get it. I hardly use "you" anymore. That
Means you are taking your power back.
I do hope you can attend ftf mtg they help tremendously.
Just do not get impatient with yourself. Our behaviors
And thoughts are from a lifetime. Change and growing
is very hard work.
I have been at it for awhile and still have a long way to go.
(((Oceantide))) - the program is about progress, and not perfection. In my world, doing 'something different' was progress, especially when dealing with this disease.
Keep taking care of you and I also recommend meetings. Folks there will relate to your situation and be willing to offer support and fellowship. It got quiet around here too after 2 of my 3 qualifiers moved out. I don't do well with silence, esp. after so many years of chaotic drama. I often put in my headphones and listen to Christian music - it reminds me I am not alone.
Just a thought - it's helped me tons....so has reading and re-reading the literature from the program.
Hang in there!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is a great tool for self focus. Sometimes in face to face meetings I notice people will say things like "we Alanons" speaking collectively about defects and trait they feel we all share. It makes me think of that little saying in Alanon - when I point the finger outward there are four more pointing back at me. In personal relationships, I've found there's no surer way for an argument to ensue than to point the finger outward - you this and you that.
When I really understand what I want to convey to the other person it's usually because I've taken some thought before speaking and I know where my boundaries are concerning the situation and am confident that I can keep them in place. Using "I" instead of "you," helps. No matter the response, there's no need to engage if I've stated clearly and respectfully to the other person what I needed to say.
You've honored yourself as a person by handling the email in a mature way. Give yourself time. You already sound more serene. Odaat. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you all for your support. It has been tough today setting up for Halloween and trying to fake a smile each time the doorbell rings. I can't help but think of last year when myself and XABF did it all together. I just keep cycling through tears, anger, feelings of loneliness, repeat. I haven't heard from XABF today. I guess that should be a good thing, given everything that has gone on. Unfortunately, it seems to make me angry and more sad, kind of like how can he cast me aside now after everything I put up with! I think I am so used to the insanity that I don't know what to do without it. I have heard the term codependent...I will learn more about this.
Speaking for yourself is for me power speaking. I learned it also and was able to take the focus off of my alcoholic/addict even when she was standing face to face with me. I can speak for myself and I am supposed to speak for myself...so there...I will. Thank you Al-Anon and sponsor. (((((hugs))))
