The material presented
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My youngest daughter is 18 and she has been through a lot,her father passed away several years ago and like a lot of young girls she latched on to a boyfriend when she was vulnerable,they have been together for 5 years and I have seen the unhappiness that this relationship brings,but I have kept quiet unless she brings it up.Yesterday she came to me out of the blue and said she isn't happy with him anymore,they argue a lot,he is immature and very controlling.I could have jumped for joy,I didn't want her to see how happy I was,but I could hardly control myself.I have been waiting on her to see the truth and she is.I am concerned that he will drag her back in,as he is using crying and guilt to try and get her back.I know this is her decision,but I am encouraging her to listen to her inner voice and not fall for the manipulation,just because he is crying doesn't mean that is a good reason to go back.I just pray she is able to stay strong.The truth is I really don't care for this boy at all,he doesn't treat her good and I am hoping she doesn't go back.
I also feel like I haven't shown her much in the way of healthy relationships and I don't want her to make the same choices I have made.I am feeling pretty guilty about it.
Sounds like you're handling it well. Share your E,S & H with her then let go of the results. The outcome is not in your hands. She may take some things and leave the rest. That's up to her. You've done your best. Let go of the guilt. It's the disease trying to sneak in through the side door. If it wasn't for your past, you may not have the E,S & H to share with her. Sometimes events from our past turn out to be our biggest assets.
I agree Mary...share openly your ESH with her including what you are like now because of the program. The disease is cunning powerful and baffling and you can share how you recognized what happened to you by listening and watching what is happening to her. That was the best I could do with my family and then I also let go absolutely. Considering the outcome of the program in my life with the efforts of my Higher Power I cannot see how I could have made it come out better from my own dysfunction.
Tell her for me that "it doesn't have to be the way it is for her" She can stop and change directions and consequences with the help of many in recovery. Bless her...we understand the pain and dysfunction...and the recovery of course. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) to you and for her.
Boy - Mike could have been typing for me. i completely agree - share your ESH and let her and HP figure out the rest.
It's so easy for me to say, "You should......" or "If I were you....." or "When I was your age....." - when it's your children.
This has brought anxiety to my relationships as they believe, perceive or feel as if I disapprove if they don't do as I say. I've shared fully that they are adults, and they are now in charge of their happiness and life, there's still an issue - even with amends.
Now, if they come to me, I share with them as if they are a fellow program person vs. my child. It just helps me remember they are not mine to lead, suggest, etc. - they have their own HP.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way! I so remember when mine would bring home 'girls' that I did not approve of. My oldest never did - he's got a way of attracting very nice, very intelligent girls (not sure how, but he does). It's my youngest who has and his self-confidence is way lower than his brother's....just processing here as I am sure there is a correlation of who we are vs. who we attract.
Support her and do your thing - you got this girl!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks, and I do see where I can share with her, and I wonder if my changes are maybe getting her to think more about her life choices?Hopefully she will see that there is a better way to live.
Hugs and prayers ;) my niece 19 is with a guy in his 30s who abuses her verbally and physically. She has vented to me about it for months. She comes to work with bruises on her neck from where he has been choking her. Now she's began to use herself, she comes to work dirty, doesn't eat and doesn't sleep and has began to act crazy at work. This disease is progressive. I hope your daughter makes good choices. I have set boundaries now with my niece, I told her she should consider getting a sponsor to share with and that I no longer want to hear about it because she's not making healthier choices, in fact it's getting worse. I have to choose my own serenity and not get all wrapped up in her stuff. Hearing all that drains me. Also I told her she should go home to her moms and get sober if she plans on returning to work on Monday. If she doesn't she will likely lose her job. If that happens, I'm going to no contact, gonna keep praying for her and hope she hits her bottom. If I hear she's recovering we can begin communication again. I know our situations are different, it helps me to write this out though and I pray your daughter never gets as enmeshed in this disease as my niece as you know it's cunning. It can certainly still fool me at times. Much love, Angel
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Wow you've done a great job working your program and keeping hands off concerning her relationship. For those of us whose picker was broken when got here there can still be a tendency to try to rescue others from the same misery. When it's you're child going into rescue mode can increase.
You've just affirmed a decision she seems to have already made by supporting her and basically helping her with a little bit of Alanon - recognizing the difference between love and pity for someone a romantic relationship.
Here's hoping she continues to choose herself in this situation. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
She is doing very well with detaching!! He has been calling a lot and begging her to go back, but she isn't caving. He called her yesterday and asked her if she wanted to go out to eat,she said no,so she went away for the weekend to a friends house so he can't hound her.One of the things that makes it hard for her is he lives just a few houses down from us, so right now she is trying to put physical distance between them.He has been coming to the house even when she tells him not to.He knocked on the door the other day and I told him she was asleep,she had worked until two in the morning.Even after I told him that,he stood on my porch and called her phone and woke her up!!I am not happy with that behavior,but I know she has to be the one to deal with it.
