Tomorrow is my 31st birthday.  I am 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  My daughter and I might share a birthday.  I am scheduled to be induced on Friday at 6AM if she does not come before then.  The doctor told me today at my appointment that she cannot believe I have not had the baby yet because of medical progression I have made towards giving birth.  I have basically been in labor for three weeks.  Contractions are always mild and inconsistent, and they go away after a while.  Needless to express I am extremely uncomfortable.  I feel guilt at times because I do not have the energy that my two year old son wants me to have.  He wants to go go go and I want to sit.  My back aches so bad and my hands are permanently numb at this point, I can shake them and bring them back to life for a while but they fall back asleep quickly again. Luckily, I have alot of people that play and have fun with him, so he is not always bored with his tired Mommy.

I have thrown myself into my Al-Anon program full force.  I go to as many meetings as I can and constantly make contact with my HP.  My sponsor and I just got done working step three together (we were already working them again, before my husband's relapse.)  I am starting to think about my step four but I feel its too intense for me to start right now with the baby so close to being here. Anyway, I am grateful for my husband's troubles because it has forced me to look at where I was spiritually.  I had a thought the other day driving to an Al-Anon meeting, it was ::why did my husband have to relapse now, while I'm pregnant and things are hard?::  Well, then I had another thought ::because it had to happen now::  I constantly think I can handle things when things are fine.  I don't surrender, I don't admit powerlessness, I don't accept God's will.  I just continue through life, thinking I'm in control.  This drama now, during this trying time, forced me to surrender, to stop and accept that I have absolutely no control, over anyone or anything else but me. even parts of me (like when this baby will come) I'm powerless over. 

My husband is actually doing amazing and his returned devotion to AA inspires me to devote myself further into Al-Anon.  I refuse to set an expectation on it, though, I refuse to assume anything one way or another because I don't know what is best for him on his journey, or me on mine.  God's timing and plans are just outstanding.  I feel a fool for ever having forgotten that.  But that's what we are, aren't we, foolish little people, wandering around together, stumbling, getting back up again.  No one knows what anyone else "needs" to do.   So, what will I do in the future when I think I have life figured out again?  When I forget this stuff I'm saying I will pull out my literature, get to a meeting, call my sponsor, or get on here with you guys.  I don't ever want to be in that dark place I was in before.  Recently it was said on a post that the only way to prepare for if our loved one relapses, is to be diligent in our own recovery so that we don't relapse along with them.  I relapsed with my AH when he did.  It was awful and I was scary and I do not want to go there again.  I had forgotten how beautiful life is if you take it one day at a time and trust that whatever will be will be in your best interest. I'm thankful for the reminder, even if it came at an "inopportune" time.

Looking back I have absolute gratitude.  The "horrible" events I have gone through have been the best blessings in disguise. Times when I have been forced to my knees, I have been humbled to accept a different way of getting up again, a way that works much better for me, a way that fills me with gratitude, serenity, and hope.

Thank you for reading.