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For so many years I have been dishonest. I can't seem to shake it. I am going to open up finally about the reality of it all. I haven't been able to share this on here because one of my friends is on here occasionally. So here I go. I have lived w this for many years & I finally want to get it out in the open. I have been lying to myself & hiding the fact that my marriage is the product of an affair I had w him. His wife was even diagnosed w cancer later which carries a lit of guilt. I go wanted to be w him no matter what. So I thought I was fooling myself into believing that was OK because they had been separated. So I even watched her deteriorate. I have carried this guilt w me for so long that it is killing me especially now. I am sorry if I have offended anyone by saying this. It is not OK.
I hope this doesn't sound worse than it really was. It just seems so heinous now. I saw my mom go through it w my dad so many years ago. I never really wanted to justify my actions. Now I know what was done & am willing to face it. Maybe this is coming out now is because my marriage has suffered for lack of another word. And now I feel like it is not very solid. Sorry for my putting myself slightly on a pity pot.
Are you able to bring this issue to your higher power? When I have done what is against my concept of correct, I own it (as you have done here), and then I ask my HP to forgive me. Nobody else's opinion counts! I send you support. You are worth this.
Thanks Jill. I have prayed about it a lot. Today I am struggling but feel a sense of relief by letting it out there. I know that I am worth forgiveness. I hope my path leads me there.
((Kathleen))) Thank you for your honesty . I do believe that many of us are guilty of denying reality and pretending that something did not happen-- it is among the negative destructive tools we develop while living with and coping with the disease. Alanon Steps address recovery from practicing our defects and I see you as just working a 5th, 6th,7th and 8th Step on the issue. I would like to suggest that your Step 9 on the issue would be making amends to yourself for the many long hours you have beat yourself up over this issue.
Forgive yourself and let go I appreciate your share.
Oh I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this guilt :( I'm so glad you are able to get his out, and I hope it helps you to heal :) no judgement here, if I was a perfect person (ha ha!) maybe, but alas, I have my own log in my eye. Hugs!
(((Kathleen))) - I appreciate your honesty and am sorry that you are carrying guilt over this today (and for a long while). You are human, we are human and part of our self-growth is to realize that our errors/mistakes/bad choices are not condemnations but rather opportunities to learn and grow from. I've done some things that I too am beyond not proud of. My sponsor said exactly what's mentioned above - Write About It (Step Work), Talk About It (Sponsor or Trusted program friend) and then Pray About It.
Last year or perhaps the year before, I joined a women's step study. We had a guide and worked through the steps and got together each week to discuss. I have gone through the steps several times between both sides of the program and it seems each time, I peel back more. Anyways, we were talking as a group and one person mentioned that they felt horrific guilt as they'd been praying to a God of their understanding while being totally angry and resentful at that same God for the way their journey had gone.
I went home and thought about it, and realized that I too was upset with God. I was raised with organized religion, so to think this - let alone say it is sinful....I truly expected things to crumble around me. They did not. Because of my guilt over this situation, I opted to do my 5th step over this with my sponsor AND a religious leader. I felt my best way of being able to truly let go was if I took it to one that had the closest relationship with HIM.
This leader was a very kind soul and could tell I was very anxious about what I was going to say. So, I began and shared that I was really angry at God. He had after all given me 2 wonderful children who then landed in the tank with this disease. I cried, cussed a little and just talked it all out. When I was finished, he asked me if that was all that I wanted to share. I said Yes, I was done. He said that he was certain I was coming to confess a crime based on my urgency and request and that I was not the first person who had come to him angry at God.
He was very kind and gave me some great wisdom and I left feeling much better than when I arrived. I no longer felt as I had when I arrived. What's most interesting is the relief I had after my session with him aligned with the relief I have found after I own my things, share them with a trusted person and pray with willingness to be/do better. There is something so personally peaceful about doing step work - I can't describe it - but you're more than 1/2 way there.
We are miracles in progress. If we are able to live in the present and learn from the past and trust God for our future, we will be just fine. Know that all you do here for our fellowship is awesome and you are worthy. We love you as you are!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. Later we often rethink our decisions and learn to make wiser ones. It is good to acknowledge where we've gone wrong and hurt others. But it's not good to take on massive guilt that makes us unable to move. As they say, "You can look at the past, but don't stare at it." When we know better, we do better. Another thing is that it's kind of a form of self-dramatization to take on all the guilt as if we alone are the reason for all the misery. In truth there is usually a dynamic that everyone shares in. I'm not saying "It's all his fault," but it's also not none of his fault.
It also sounds like you feel sad about the current circumstances (her cancer, the imperfect state of your marriage). These are sad things. But paralyzing guilt is not the way forward. A saying that always helps me is "What are you going to do next?" Because what you do next is the thing you can control. We can't undo the past, but we can do "the next right thing." Maybe this is working on recovery, reaching out to help others in recovery, helping others in different ways, living each day a little more healthily?
that is so awesome that you can trust us with this mistake u made. Forgive yourself and realize that you are enough.... you have a right to be happy,serene etc. it sounds like in all the relationships,you have put yourself second best
hugs to u
We all make mistakes. I know that for most of mine, where I feel have hurt others or ignored my moral conscience, I talk it out with my hp, and try my best to see the lessons. HP sees my heart, my actions, my thoughts, my sincerity and lack thereof, I believe. This helps me to not get caught up in "people" judgements, which can be so harsh, it becomes harder to try to be a better person. My own inner critic is often the harshest. Wishing you peace. Keep on keeping on.
I have been thinking about what you all said. Praying too. It is going to have to be turned over or I might get sick really sick. I am making progress. But the latest is my wonderful husband(sarcasm) told me yesterday that I could drive him to drink. I know that is absolutely not possible. I won't go for that. & he has been sober for 9 years. Now that it is a new day I will put this behind me. I just felt I had to share this & didn't want to make a whole post about it. I hope this is read by some of you. Just kind of an update.
Kathleen - now I am laughing outloud (with you, I hope) about causing an alcoholic to drink. Surely he's just being silly....as that's just not how it works.
(((Hugs))) to you - you are awesome and don't let anyone else tell you differently!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hoot, this is a brave and honest post. I found such relief when I learned that I dont have to feel guilt for years and years and beat myself up. Im human and have and will make mistakes. Its also good for me to know that I have suffered from the disease of alcoholism for many years and some of my choices have been irrational and steeped in denial. Now I know better I do better and I did the best with what I knew at the time.
Make your amends. That might be a letter that you could read out to someone or it might be you go to her grave and tell her. Or maybe you will find another way to make amends. Then when you do, let it go. You owe yourself your own forgiveness.
I am another who faces this. I was "the other woman" many, many years ago. It has taken me over twenty years to forgive myself.
Don't get me wrong, there were a myriad of circumstances that led to this, but in the end, wrong is wrong and I no longer justify what I did. I am truly sorry for the things I did and always felt I deserved what I got because of what I had done. The truly sad (and unbelievably honest) thing was that the exw did not care at all about the relationship with me. I know this only because she told me her feelings several times. I won't bore you with the details, but I definitely was not the first (which she also fully acknowledged and accepted). I personally don't understand that and never will, I'm afraid.
I still truly hate that I dated a married man, no matter what the circumstances. It was wrong (perhaps not for them in their situation) but most certainly for me because that guilt has haunted me since! I finally forgave myself after I realized that I could not change the past. I have spent hundreds of hours in prayer because of my actions. I even blamed myself for my babies dying because I felt I was being punished for committing such a horrible sin. It is part of the reason I let myself go and never felt good enough for honest, open love (because I had done an unforgivable thing in my eyes).
Finally, I realized that I am not God and that if He can forgive me, I have to forgive myself. Somehow I have.
To anyone who hates me now foe being that other woman, I fully understand and accept that. I apologize to each and every person who has ever been hurt by infidelity. I do know how it feels and I am truly sorry. Please know though that this was not some secret long term thing, but a relationship that came from a very close friendship between two people in truly destroyed marriages. For me, I never went home after the first date (nothing happened) &'I had already tol my x I wanted a divorce several times, but he wouldn't leave. It was not the same on the other side though and this is why my guilt was eating me up.
Again, I was wrong on the deepest level and should have waited until he had stopped the separation (back and forth) before I started seeing him. For that I will be eternally remorseful, but I choose to no longer let that guilt ruin my life.
Hoot, from reading your posts, it seems to me you are an Alanon who show up in her life each day with both her hp and program and does the best she can with each day. Do you remember this tool? We ask ourselves what we would advise a friend if they came to us and told us the same problem. I have never met you but the sense I get of who you are from posts you've written is that you're a loving, compassionate and forgiving person who has a hp that loves her unconditionally. I may be wrong but I believe you wouldn't want to see your friend in emotional pain and would offer compassion and understanding.
We're imperfect human beings hoot. Changed behavior is a form of amends. We can't change the past only learn from it. You say you could become sick from this. Why? If a friend came to you and told you she'd made this mistake and projected that her angst over it was going to make her sick what would you say. We are your friends in the program here at this site. As your friend, I would hope that you would not hold me to rough standards if I came to you and to an action I took and the shame I feel over it. I think you would tell me that my higher power has already forgiven me, loves me unconditionally as do you as an Alanon and it's time I forgave myself but accept that I'm worthy of all the good in my life today.
I've been able to make peace with the past by taking a positive action today. When I can no longer make direct amends, I try to do the next right thing by taking a positive action concerning that wrong which I hope might impact others experiencing the same thing or something similiar.
Your post does this. It's Step 5 in a very expansive way. Those of us who read it can feel less alone concerning the mistakes we've made. We can read your progress and take ownership not just for past mistakes but our recovery today and our willingness to keep showing up each day and simply do the best we can.
You're loved here and accepted. Thank you for your share. (((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Kath your post reminds me of a 9th step my HP set me up for. It came 22 years after I did what I did and I had forgotten it thinking I had done as complete a job at amends making as could be made however HP has a better memory than me and when HP enlightened me of what I had done and failed to do thereafter I was committed to following the program and its steps. My first attempt didn't come out and involved a 5200 mile round trip only getting close to it. 2 years later I made the same trip and again with the willingness and my HP's urge I was able to make the amends face to face with a father and son I had violated years before. I wouldn't matter if the amends was accepted or not and that I did it would. Both the father and the son were amazed that it had happened because they had blamed themselves over 22 years for the event. They were surprised and grateful and it was done. I had learned that what ever I do to hurt others often leaves them with the feeling of responsibility for it and this father and son were not responsible for it and then freed of the responsibility. God knows how to make it come out right. Is it your HP who had reminded you of the wrong doing? Inventory it from HP's position cause both you and the other wife are children of the same Father. Thanks for the trust. (((((hugs)))))
