The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just as "out of the blue" he made the decision to stay in another state, he "out of the blue" made the decision to come back and face his fears. He drove 17 hours on a motorcycle from Arizona to Colorado and went to my parents to make amends with them, they were much more forgiving than I thought they would be.
He states he's come back to take his family back and do whatever it takes to win us back. I worry about this, what are his intentions? The things he had said to me were very hurtful and I didn't understand any of it. He says he couldn't face me and was so tired of hurting me that he just didn't want to let me down anymore. He says he had to get to a place in his mind where he felt strong enough to figure out what he wanted.
I can't help but be leary about all this. Are his intentions real? I know that he really doesn't want to drink, but the road is a long one, and of course I can't help but worry. I know it is up to me on whether i want to take that road with him or not.
He faced all the kids yesterday, the two youngest were the easiest, they were all over him, they missed him so much. My second oldest was quiet but gave in right away. But my 15 year old, is not forgiving at all. He wants nothing to do with him right now, doesn't seem to want to listen to what AH has to say. I know for him it's going to take awhile. I know he just doesn't want to be let down again, and he had to bear all the responsibilities these last 3 months and watch me cry and see what I had to go through.
I have no idea what happens from here, and how much I can trust.
For what it's worth... try to trust the facts, as opposed to the emotions and promises....
For example.... if he "says" he loves you all and wants you back, but is not prepared to commit to a recognized program of sobriety and recovery, then I would suggest that it is all words...
Whereas if he "says" he love you all and wants you back, and wants to commit to a program of recovery, AND work out the details with you in terms of how and when he might get reintegrated back into the home/family, then you guys might be onto something more positive.
Alcoholics (and their disease) can be very manipulative - perhaps not intentionally, for what they deem is good for themselves.... His actions will show you whether this is for him, or whether he has reached a point where he wants his life to get better.
Your fears are real, and completely understandable. Hopefully he can understand that as well, and allow you the honor & dignity of time to have this decision come fully true.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You can't know what happens next and you don't need to. For now you don't have to do anything. You have been shouldering things for the last three months. If he is sincere about not just taking his life back, but earning it, you will know.
You have every right to be afraid and unsure, he has put you through so much and you had no answers.
Little kids are easy, they love Daddy. Your older one will take time, and that is up to them not you. He has seen a lot and can understand more, step back and let them work that one out between them.
Only you know what is in your heart and head, and only you know what is right for you. Trust yourself and give yourself time. If he is truly looking to regain his family and make amends he will give you the time you need to be sure and know what to do.
Whatever happens and whatever you decide, I wish you all well.
Noone says you have to make a snap decision right now today. Just because he moved back to your state doesn't mean you have to decide immediately to either get back with him or not.
If your living situation where you are now is working fine and you're safe and stable, then maybe you could give him some time to prove himself and his intentions. Watching his feet (his actions) will tell you much more his true intentions than just listening to his words. As the old saying goes.....talk is cheap.
Let him get set up in a nice house big enough for all of you and prove himself by earning back both yours and the kids trust. That takes time. Decide on a time frame whereby you will feel safe and secure in moving back in with him and your kids.
Pray and ask God for guidance.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
My A certainly can be told nothing so I can relate. In fact he goes into full overblown two year old tantrum if I say anything to him. Tonight I asked him for my jacket which he was sitting on. When I mentioned he was sitting on it he said oh but that is not a jacket!!!
I do think they have a disorder of thinking. I no longer jump to he is going to die with this. I know what that does to me everytime he goes out. I also know that in reality every time I walk out the front door something could happen to me. It is just is more likely to happen to him because he is making himself vulnerable. I have to do a certain amount of letting go to live and even more letting go to live with an A. I am not sure I want to do that long term, in fact I am certain of it. At the same time the choices before me at the moment are not ones I can live with. So I work to make better choices that will not mean all or nothing situations.
I know taking care of me will lead me to places where my life is not so unbearable and uncomfortable. It is many many days. It was last night, it was this morning but I hold onto that I am working to make it better. And I have control over me. I have none over him, never did and probably never will.
I try to take my life with the A one day at a time. I also try to spend more time focused on me than focused on him. I know he certainly has issues and struggles. I try not to be among them much although I am certainly affected by them. One day I would like to have a far greater power to say yes or now to his tantrums, chaos and lies. Right now I do not so I choose to take care of what I can which is me. When I can make better decisions for me I will I have absolute faith in that.
For the kids sake it probably is good that he is back. Sounds like a good time for you to have very strong boundaries about what is acceptable and not acceptable. Maybe you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about how things are different because he left. One thing is that you were able to cope without him. Does he need to earn his way back into the home?
