The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i spoke with my aunt (who lives way far away) last night and i got upset. i have not had ANY contact with my dad in months (but he has not made any effort to contact me, either). i feel good about my decision not to have contact with him. but she tried to convince me to change my mind.
she asked me..."who is his drinking really hurting? his kids are out of the house, no wife, no friends...ect. what does it hurt if he wants to live a miserable life?" the answer is ME!! it kills me, my sis & bro to watch him do this to himself. it upsets me. he says mean things when he's drunk--which is all the time. put my kids life in danger, and is just nasty to be around. it pisses me off, and i can't even look at him.
who is my aunt to question my decision? she got mad at him years ago and hasn't spoken to him in years!!
my dad has no one. that hurts me. but he did this to himself. he had the choice. i didn't!
i was (and am still) so mad that she even had to ask who is hurting. how dare she?
My grandparents were wonderful people, and a huge influence in my life. As I got older I asked my Grandfather for advice often. I listened, and really considered everything he said as I had a lot of respect for him.
I didn't follow his advise all the time. I was ok with that and so was he.
If this Aunt was an A, you would just let it go due to the disease. But the reality is everyone has an opionion, but you don't have to agree with thier opionion. I'm not taking sides or judging, because I can tell you were very hurt by what she said.
I am working on applying the tools here to my life not just my A. So I look at what you wrote a little differently. I would try "...take what you want and leave the rest..." on her comments.
(Or duct tape from the other post... LOL)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Working this program by getting a sponsor, going to f2f meetings, working the steps and really learning how to implement all the tools into our daily lives can help us not to be angered by what others feel and say.
Just because your aunt said these comments to you doesn't make them so. Her opinions and words (or anyone elses for that matter) don't dictate who you are or if you're choices are right or wrong. Thats for you and your HP to figure out.
I can tell from your post that you have a lot of anger concerning your dads disease. I have had a lot of anger in the past and at times I still do. What really helped me get over those feelings was working this program. Today I have a choice over wether Im going to allow anothers actions to anger me. Before working the steps, I didn't have that choice. I didn't have any handle on my emotions whatsoever. I was very hurt and angered all the time.
I got so sick of living and feeling this way day in and day out that I got to the point where I became willing to do whatever it took to not feel that way anymore. For me personally.......it took this program.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
One reason I do not speak to my younger sister very much is that she can justify and rationalize my elder sister's behavior and behave codependently around it. She would rather gossip about my sister then be clear and truthful about the hurt she has caused all of us.
I no longer rely much on my family of origin on any level to give me emotional support. I have also had to let go of many many friends who could not understand the world of pain caused to me by the A's acting out. I do not seek solace from any of the A's friends anymore. I have found it not that helpful in the long run.
I used to think talking to people who know people helped. Now I find talking to people in this program and other programs I am in helps more. I am more willing to talk about my feelings and my issues which is important and those people do not generally try to project their issues onto me.
I am glad that you are here and can share about this pain and the pain of letting go. I think it is incredible you can begin to see the dysfunctional family your father came from. I know my family of origin work still takes up a great deal of my time and energy and life blood even. At the same time the more I do of it the better I feel.
