The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Your responses have all become gifts to me. I read each and every one of them several times throughout the day and specially in the evenings. At the moment I think my husbAnd is ActuAlly Accepting the fAct thAt I Am denied the fAct thAt there is no counseling. . ThaT This is over I senT him a picTure of a house ThaT I'm looking for in The village ThaT we currenTly live in. . He seems to want to be involved in tHat and it's a business, hes a cintractor He will Help us witH money and financial aid to get settled. . So he Said tonight not Sure what tomorrow will bring. I find myself excited at the prospect of finally having my own space and a chance to find myself again. however at the same time the rush of emotions is just so very hard to control. I look around our home and feel a combination of disgust betrayal and deep love and sentiment so it's all very complicated. I so want to control every aspect of this in to try to get this mess is tidy as possible. In my braIn I try to fIgure out what stays what goes what wIll best help our daughter and I truly have no Idea. I struggle with the whole concept of custody and how to figure out how to make that best for our daughter. , I know that my husband will not settle for weekends only every other week. . I'm contemplating saying he could do Sunday Monday Tuesday I would have her Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday. . Well having said that it all sounds Well and good but it's a matter of trying to figure out hoW to make her feel home in both places. I find my worrying into thrmself worrying into the future what will Thanksgiving look like what will Christmas look like how will it be when he do Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday. I find myself worrying into the future and wondering what the holidays will look like and that he has no familyhas no family other than her and I am gone. . I'm astute enough to know however that it's these exact feelings I have kept me in bondage for so long
that all said. I have sone fond memiries, i have will always "live" my childs father but i believe we have done too much damage. I own mine. Ge tends to blame his. Although tonigh he was kind and apologetic and then iffered to look at the house im thinkingof. . Now if i could only get him to the duvorce mediator. I fear the longervthis goes the weaker i will get and it will all linger and yet i KNIW it cant. I know hes been desperatly unfaithful, alc addicted and rumors recently shared of others. . He is so so broken and damaged and i just never wanted to be the one to.leave. Thought it so easier if he did. . I need strength. I know if the path i need to folliw but the future terrifies me. .its messy and out of my hands. I dont know how to be divirced. .Im black and white, better fir worse and yet im 3/4? Out the door and tonight im scared and sad.
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Wednesday 21st of October 2015 10:04:02 PM
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Your message makes me remember how broken I was when my marriage was in a similar condition. I knew I would always be with me, and I too wanted him to be the one to leave. In retrospect, I know that part didn't matter to my future. Getting my own place without him was heartbreaking. I didn't want it. I wanted to be married to him (even though I'm not sure why anymore with hindsight).
I learned in meetings to draw closer to my HP and to trust it. The steps are so helpful. I changed my trust from an untrustworthy addict to my real higher power. Slowly. Step by step.
Tonight I remember how scary that change was. Tonight I am grateful for what brought me here. I couldn't have imagined my life now as more than a fiction. not something possible for me.
I wish the best for you whatever you decide. You can do this.
((TOC))) you sound strong,in acceptance of life on life's terms with the serenity and wisdom to negotiate an acceptable separation agreement. I love how you are excited about your new little home that you have found in the village. Good work.
Please remember that in the past hubby did not ever want to spend too much time being a responsible dad: so although he wants to talk the talk about shared custody, the reality may be quite different .
You can certainly continue to love your husband and still be unable to share your life with him-- Alcoholism, the disease hinders relationships to a great extent so keep the focus on yourself,
As far as the future goes - remember we only need to live one day at a time and trust HP to lead you into a successful path. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way . ((TOC)) i am happy you have made this decision-- you deserve to be happy.
You are a very strong person who has faced many obstacles and you have overcome them. You will get through this. Unfortunately, as this progresses, the likelihood of cooperation will diminish, in my honest opinion. Just as mentioned above, shared custody is difficult at best. The child's needs must come first. There is No other alternative. I say this because children are so easily torn between their parents. They love their parents, no matter what they have seen and experienced.
It is our job, as the sober party, to help our children deal with life. Even if you went to court and offered to share equal custody, a judge may deny that. I don't know where you are, but the judge should rule in the best interest of the child where custody is concerned. This is, of course, only possible if the judge has ample information to make a reasonable and logical decision. Because alcoholism is fatal, the judge should be aware of the role it has played in the shattering of this family.
Unfortunately, we cannot stop our feelings just because we want to. You will most certainly feel hurt and lost at times, but there is light at the end of this tunnel. The longer this process takes, the more difficult it will be for you. Assuming, of course, that you have made a final decision. I do not wish to appear that I am telling you what to do in any way. I am only going on what you have written.
When we are surrounded by the craziness and insanity in an active alcoholic home, we cannot fully relax and see what life may have to offer us. That is, unless we have found a way to do that through the Al-Anon program. For me, I had reached a point where I had to get out if My husband continued to drink. Thank God, he is not drinking now. For today, I know he is working a program. I do not know what goes on in his mind and I cannot control what he does or does not do, including drinking.
I pray this process will be as smooth as possible for everyones sake. Your child and you must be able to rest and sleep to heal from the trauma you have endured.
(((TOC))) - Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you today. I agree with Betty - lean into your program and your faith in a HP and trust the process. Let him do what he needs to do and take care of you as best you can, just for today. Know that we're all here for you and you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi there,
You are strong and you are starting to see the positives of this horrible situation you have been put in. Your program is really working. I have considered divorce myself, been in that fearful place and I have seen friends get divorced as well. In my experience my friends who left their AHs (I have a few) had difficulty accepting being divorced at first but are doing so well. THeir lives are calmer and more peaceful. You are going to be just fine. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing because you seem to be coping and dealing with this well.
Just checking in to say hello Theoceancalls. ((((((Hugs)))))))
Your last paragraph resonated with me, and kind of helped me as well. I've had those feelings about not wanting to be the one to leave a marriage and not wanting to label myself as divorced. Anyway, reading your expression of those thoughts, and caring about you in your situation, made me realise that we are simply who we are and those social labels that relate to marital status don't define who we are at all. I don't imagine that anyone 'wants a divorce', it is a horrible cliche phrase that misses the point - I would want a healthy, affirming life and to be able to enjoy the people closest to me.
Change is naturally a bit scary but good things can, and do, happen as well. Sending more ((((((hugs)))))))
