Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

gotta keep venting. . bless you for reading

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

TOC - (((Hugs))) to you - so very sorry for your pain. I've got nothing new to offer other than program, meetings, and taking care of you. I believe you answered some of your own questions - the disease is in the driver's seat and having a discussion, argument, etc. is just pointless with an active drinker.

You are not alone and you can vent anytime you want. Take care of you and your daughter the best you can and let HP take care of the rest.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Four years? As a woman I'm so angry for you!. Ocean, I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Emotional support would be such a wonderful thing right now. One thing ive picked up on your posts is your daughter in the middle of this war zone. She must be so drained, and if you need somewhere else to focus right now, id be asking, what message is my baby getting? Sending you lots of positive prayers right now, where there's a will, a way will be made. Dont forget to eat, you need your strength.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

Yeah. .He says shes lying it hasnt been four years and i.agree. I feel.my daughter is being used. I just to.proceed the rightvway or hell breaks lose

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending ((((((((hugs))))))))) Theoceancalls.

I am admiring your dignity and boundaries and I also recognise my own husband's efforts to use my guilt about something as a way to belittle me into staying in our relationship. It did me so much damage because I half believed him! I can look back now and see that it was incredibly selfish, tantrum behaviour and it was not a good way to go about saving our marriage!

I think that your feelings and views seem sound, keep trusting your instincts and, if you can, keep the focus on yourself and your daughter - what do you both need to stay as safe as you can emotionally?

Sending love.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

To get this over with as soon as poosible. My self esteem and cofidence pluments every time we talk. I never wanted this. Inever wanted have to make this decision. . But i cant live with the anhmguish and guilt of knowing i toletated intolerable any longer but in terrified of my self and my weakness

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds to me as though you are doing a good job of being your own best friend. The circumstances are horrendous, but you really can trust yourself. I understand your fears, I've been there so many times. Sending more (((((hugs))))). One step at a time. x

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

you've had a shock and are hurting. I bet if you were addressing someone you love in your situation you'd be ultra gentle with them. I had a crash about a year ago with my alcoholic cheating husband, and I damn near burnt myself out. Couldn't sleep,couldn't eat, eventually couldn't physically move for a few hours, head splitting pain. Someone on these boards gave me a resipe for eggflower soup. If it were possible id make you soup. Your words bring out an urge to comfort, I don't know how to right now, except to say, as one woman to another you are not alone. Self care, down to the very basics, some sleep, some water, some soup for breakfast. Thinking of you. We'll all be here.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

TheOceanCalls -

Continued prayers for you and your daughter and positive thoughts heading your way.

I agree with others, you are stronger than you know. Use the Serenity Prayer to support you and lean in to your Higher Power.

I agree that you didn't want this and it's a shock to your life, system, emotions and reality. Before this program, I would have made every effort, including sacrificing my own peace/serenity/values to make a situation improve. This program tells me I no longer have to do that or be that way. I can own my truth, stand in my truth, set my boundaries and then take action with the intent of chasing my own sanity and peace.

If you can do some writing, that may help you bring peace to your mind, just for today. I have written hundreds of letters to my qualifiers, none sent - but it's an opportunity to 'feel heard' when I know a true conversation is pointless.

Another great thing for me about meetings - it's a great place to Network privately. I have found lawyers, plumbers, AC/H-Vac repair persons, Insurance, etc. professionals just by asking at a meeting. Everyone knows someone. Perhaps it's time to do some research so you can make an informed decision about your future.

My experience is that if I try to make sense of insanity, it compounds in my own brain. If I can accept the facts (he's cheated again) vs. he's cheated for 4 (insert weeks, months, years) and I want/need to know when/where it started. Be gentle with yourself and practice some self-care each day. Always remember the 3 Cs - You didn't cause this, You can't control it and You can't cure it.

(((Hugs))) continue. You aren't alone!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((TOC))) I am sorry to ead of this and so understand your pain and anger. I know that you were willing to overlook many of his issues because you felt he was broken and had many good qualities. You were willing to make your needs unimportant in order to maintain the family and marriage ( knwo i have been there ))

It sounds as if TODAY you have had" ENOUGH " I also have stopped and said" ENOUGH"-- I cannot do this any longer. Bringing up issues from the past is a manipulative tools to keep you involved. That is why alanon asks us to work a 4th step ,look within-- admit our past and make amends for any past indiscretions. You are not responsible for someones else's decisions regarding the baby, he and his x are responsible that.

Attempting to to blame you is insanity and NOT SO. Acknolwedge your part- dating him while he was still with someone else--- the rest is on him. That is your part and no more.

Keep the focus on yourself . pray , trust HP and know you are not alone as you walk through this .

There is happiness, life and a light at the end of this seemingly dark tunnel.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene