The material presented
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level.
So...I am having some difficult feelings. My brother is 3 years sober from a heroine addiction that almost killed him twice. He works the program, attends meetings, meditates, etc. Good for him right? Yeah, I agree. The big issue is he is still such a selfish jerk! His life is still all about him and what he needs. I fell like I only exist when I am meeting a need...I am the "savior" in my addicted family so codependency is something I dealt with for a long time, but I guess I just want to know, do drug addicts ever start to think of anyone else? I kind of want to write him off. i am just sad and angry a lot, and he is not even using. Any advice?
Hello Ashley and welcome to MIP. I have 2 sons who are heroin addicts (as well as other substances). I can honestly say that the have both stopped that aspect of the disease, but still struggle with the isms. I remain hopeful for changes as they mature but am not counting on it or expecting it.
Living with or loving one who abuses substances is difficult. This disease tends to reach beyond the diseased and affects us all. I have found the ability to detach from my sons with love and set boundaries that help me not feel used. I know completely how you 'feel' as mine also tend to call when they want/need something. Beyond that, they've not got a use for me (or so it seems).
The program of Al-Anon has taught me how to be work on me and find joy no matter what they are or are not doing.
Welcome again to our forum - so glad you're here and glad you shared!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome and glad you are here! I am curious .. Are you waiting for an apology that you certainly deserve however haven't gotten? Sometimes that happens that you get the apology you deserve and sometimes it doesn't. I'm working really hard to let the past resentments go and recognize that my expectations of someone else's behavior can get me into trouble .. After all wouldn't it be nice if everyone thought like I did . not! Lol. I have had to personally take a look at my family and decide how much contact I want with them .. Doing a mini 4th to check motives and where I am really at. My answer is I get to decide when how and how long I expose myself to other people's behavior. Provided I'm not in a place of anger while doing it. There are truly nice people in the world and there are people who really don't get they are flat out jerks. That's with or without alcohol/addiction. I have made the observation that it would be very hard to babe a sibling that was an addict fur the account of time and attention that went to that one child for the other kids. I was raised an only child so I don't get the dynamics of shillings I do have two kids of my own so I like to watch them interact and find their way in their relationship. Yes .. Your brother may be a flat out jerk with our without active addiction .. Just something to think about why does that really bother you. That's where alanon helped me figure out why I can have my moments of reactions and my own issues of being a jerk .. Loving myself anyways and allowing others their issues without participating in them. Hugs keep coming back!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for sharing friends. The whole detach with love thing is tough for me but I am working on it. I think it's easier to detach with resentment but love is always the answer. It's just hard to find sometimes. Iamhere- you definitely hit the nail on the head with the word expectation. Now that he is sober I was hoping he would be like the rest of the family. Kind, thoughtful, fun, etc. Serenityrus, you may be right. He may just be a flat out jerk. Before this he hasn't been sober since 5th grade so I never really got to know the real him, but maybe this is it. Ugh. Haha. Thanks guys and have a wonderful day.
I believe IamHere did hit it right on the spot with: " The program of Al-Anon has taught me how to work on me and find joy no matter what they are or are not doing". That's what it's all about. How can I love myself and be a peace regardless of what others are doing or saying? Alanon, The 12 Steps and God achieved that for me- One Day At A Time.
Expectations= disappoint and resentment. Even if we did get what we wanted(Self Will), if we're not Spiritually fit, we'll move on to the next thing we want to see changed. Selfishness & Self-Centeredness driven by a hundred forms of fear is also our lot.
I learned in Alanon that if I allow others to control my thinking and feeling by their actions and words, I need to work on me, the only one I can change.
Hey Ashley - when I first came to Al-Anon, my sponsor did say that I was allowed to detach with indifference if I couldn't detach with love.....that gave me a bit of peace as I was an angry person filled with tons of hurt.....
So - I learned to bite my tongue and just go away (bathroom, walk, etc.) until I learned to "Say What I Mean, Mean What I Say, but not say it mean...." < took me a while - we are human after all.
When my sober qualifiers are affected by their isms, I try to remember that I am grateful they are clean/sober. My mantra of this week has been, "Bless Them, Change Me." It's a very shortened version of the serenity prayer that helps when I consider smacking someone upside the head!
Peace is not a natural state of mind for me. I am given a daily reprieve from my obsessions when I put my HP first and keep him there. With some recent chaos & drama, it tends to be in the front of my mind when I wake up....I have to choose to place it behind my faith in my HP and sometimes do this a few times over the day.
So - what you're going through - we do get it! Early recovery is so very, very hard......work on you and trust HP! And - speaking from experience - if he began his substance abuse career as young as you mention, he probably doesn't even know who he is or what maturity looks like! You have the power to decide what your future looks like in spite of what he does or doesn't do, with the help and support of the Al-Anon program - what a gift!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
