The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a very hard time. I am so broken I don't recognize myself. My identity has been shattered. How can I pick myself up, shake off the crud?? Not only have I had to accept my AH's drunkeness but I now have to face the fact that I ruined my career. I don't know how to salvage anything. I admit I am powerless, and my life is unmanageable. I want to crawl in a hole and push the dirt over me. i dont think I can run away far enough to servive.
Its ok. I wrecked a career too. But! These days retraining and changing careers is normal. The rest of the stuff, just keep coming back. We never have to stay who we are if we don't like it. We are capable of change and that's how we ambled here! Xo
(((Confused))) This posting sounds like you have" hit bottom " and is also a very powerful "First Step" The 2nd Step suggests that we come to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
I urge you to "run" to an alanon meeting instead of "running away". It is at an alanon meetings that you will find the support, understanding ,love and most importantly the tools that you can use to restore you to your the strong unbroken self.
It is times like these Confused2379 that I increase my face to face
meetings and work/rework the 12-steps. These are the things that
I found have helped me to be a happier/healthier person in spite of
the disease.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Been there too,I realized what a mess my life had become by living with the disease of alcoholism.I was broke,financially,spiritually,mentally and physically,I didn't even have a car.I took the bus to see my therapist and I just kept getting up, and each positive step I took then led to more positive results.Because I did hit my bottom,I am back in college and discovering who I am and what I want.If someone would have told me what my life would be like in just a few months I wouldn't have believed them.
(((Confused))) - you are not alone. I too tend to increase my meetings when I feel as if my life or my mind is in shambles. We post here to share what has worked and what we hope to be....and become. Please do not feel as if you are alone in your feelings. You are not. You are not a failure and you are worthy of better.
It is in one moment at a time, one day at a time through this program that we are in different places, but I agree with Betty - your post sounds like your surrender to the first step. One step at a time - for today, maybe explore local meetings and make that part of a plan. Show up here for one/both meetings each day. In between, read about the disease and/or the recovery for those of us who have been affected.
Don't give up on you - you matter and you're worthy.
I'll send prayers and positive thoughts your way - keep posting here as that's yet another place where you are safe and not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((Confused))))) This is the best place including face to face Al-Anon meetings to be broken. The fellowship has learned from others how to allow those others to put ourselves back together again in much better condition than before we arrived. Turn your feelings of broken over to your Higher Power and continue on with the program. In support (((((hugs)))))
When I realize where I could be right now had I kept my focus on my career and my needs I am aware of the lost years.
BUT I learned and am learning that I may have obtained some peace that others who have more financial stability still don't have
Example: My sister who took over my career and has acquired a huge home, pool and lots of extra's all by taking advantage of my loss of focus and benefiting financially from that ( immaturely on my part blame her when all she did was pick up a ball I dropped, when I was down ( as opposed to helping me up) now she has all these things but she still is an angry person, yells and those with less than she has etc... she does not seem happy or at peace.
when I don't feel peaceful I look at where I've been and where I am now and at least spiritually feel I have gained so much... I also have been blessed with the opportunity to start again... not everyone measures success the same.
Peace for you, and whatever your next step may be.
I've had those feelings, they suck, but they can help us as well. It is from that low point of a lost career and love life that I finally started to learn to love and understand myself and to be honest with others about what I need.
I started to look at what it was I was missing, which for me was a feeling of being a useful part of my community, and then I looked at ways that I could be useful again - starting small because I knew that my resources were depleted. I'm still working on small things, but my self esteem is growing day by day.
I think all of our journeys are individual and what works for me will be different to the tools you'd choose for yourself, but you can choose, and what you choose will be ok for you.
The good people here at MIP helped me to learn that doing gratitude and asset lists when I was in the dumps made a difference for me. They taught me that I need some playtime everyday.
I can't change my past but, unencumbered by those work responsibilities, I have the freedom to choose what to do next. I kind of see it as a road junction combined with a Microsoft ad - 'where do I want to go today?'
I used to be very positive and easy going, not at all anxious, darn it! Perhaps I might had been wearing rose tinted glasses, and on balance I am pleased that I don't have those glasses tinting my reality any more, but there were times when I liked being carefree, it helped me. Earlier this year I imagined myself back at an age when I was innocent of relationships and the darker side of life and I listened to the feelings in my body as I imagined myself as that young girl. My discovery was that she is still there inside me, I have not lost her, she is still ok, just a little bit nervous perhaps and asking for my gentleness and understanding.
Sometimes I ask that younger me 'what would you like to do today?' and I listen to my reply and try to gift it to myself. It is, perhaps the first time I have learnt to pay attention to my own needs and taken responsibility for my part in making my dreams deliverable! Sometimes I still ask to hide under the bedcovers and so I say ok to that, I can do that for one hour and restore my energy although it is important for me that I decide what I'm going to do after that hour is up, perhaps a little job that I've been worrying about, or a nice soak in the bath or walking the dog otherwise I could end up hiding away all day! I make it cosy for myself with a hot drink, candle light and a cuddly blanket so it becomes an occasion and even an achievement that I can feel proud of. It sounds a bit schizophrenic written down like this - but, hopefully, it is just my way of taking my generous helpful spirit and learning to direct it to myself!
Sending you ((((((hugs))))))), take care of yourself MIP friend, I hear you facing up to a new reality and that can be tough, but also empowering.
The feelings you described sound exactly like mine right before I got serious about my recovery in this program. I agree that it sounds like a 'bottom' and for me 'bottom' meant the start of heading toward healing and recovery.
You are not alone. Going to meetings, readings, and self work are all very helpful to me.
Wow I don't know whats wrong with my IPad. Couldn't type at all.
I wanted to respond to a few of you personally.
Mildwood you are so insightful I will do some of the things that you have suggested. At my meeting last night they said that my Higher Power is talking to me to take time for myself. I am having such problems with Step 3. Turing my will over to him.
I don't know how to let this control go. But I know that I must. Ive been stuffing my feelings for so long that I have lost who I am. I think thats why it came out the way it did on Friday night when I said those inappropriate things.
Glad, you sound peaceful to me. Your career must have been very stressful. Teaching doesn't sound stressful on the surface but dealing with teenagers that think you are the biggest problem in their life isn't easy. I know some of those teenagers have to deal with alcoholism, drugs, and homelessness. They sure don't need to have their teacher dealing with similar things.
Everyone else, I am focusing on attending meetings right now. My goal is to do two a day right now. I have not contacted AH and I don't plan to. I need to stop shaking so much and I am praying for serenity daily. Being able to let go will be my hardest task. My life has been one big remote control. (((hugs))) to you all too.
thank you everyone. ii am haviiing tech pprrobleeems.