The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to not be all twisted up inside. I need to find clarity once and for all. I do believe in a HP. I just have a hard time believing the HP believes in me. I don't want this to be a sob story, but it is one inside my heart. I just keep thinking that maybe if I just put it "out there" once and for all, then maybe I can get some feedback from people who have been through similar situations, and maybe a miracle really can be in progress in my life.
Okay, here goes: I fell in love with a boy in the third grade. We were child-hood sweethearts. This boy was the sweetest, cutest boy in our elementary school. We were best friends throughout junior high even though we were no longer "going steady." We went our separate ways during high school, but then we met again and married. We were very, very much in love, but something wasn't right. He would go through some odd mood swings that never quite made sense. He'd profess undying love one day and then say something cruel another. After thirteen years of marriage and two darling children, he had an affair and confided in me that he'd been addicted to porn all the years of our marriage. I felt like I'd lived a lie because I'd ignored the clues and bought the lies over the years. Still, I loved the man. We moved to another state to start over. After three years, I think I finally had a mental breakdown or something. And I said some things about the previous affair, crying all the time about how much it hurt me. Then, he started drinking.
And he drank a lot. Every day, he drank tequila. Then, he wanted to smoke pot, and I said I would leave with our kids before I let them be exposed to that too. So, this man began a relationship with a woman from work, a woman who had been married several times to addicts. I left with our children. That was the beginning of 1998.
By the end of 1998, we were divorced, and he was re-married to the other woman. Of course, I imagined their marriage would not last. But it did somehow last. Maybe he never really loved me after all (as he claimed), but it's so hard for me to believe that. Still, I have always been terribly good at lying to myself.
In 2000, after dating my present husband for only a few months, I gave into his pressure (and the pressure of my mother who was upset that he was staying at my house) and married him. A month later, I kicked him out because I finally realized he was an alcoholic. He liked to throw it in my face that I'd "settled" for him. That just confused me, so I thought being free of him would be smart. But then, he begged and cried and pleaded for me to take him back. He swore he would never drink again. I wanted so badly to be loved that I believed him and let him come back. Within a month, he was drinking again though. A few months later I kicked him out again. That time he was really sad. And I felt horrible. His mother had died of cancer not long before I met him, and I felt very sorry for him. Plus, I missed his companionship because mostly he is very sweet--even when he's drunk--which is often. I took him back again. That scenario played out for awhile--until I finally realized we were both simply too co-dependent to be able to live apart.
At one point, he got sober for a year. But that was no good either because I lived with a constant fear of him going back to the bottle. Then, in 2003, he ended up with an STD, thanks to having slept with some diseased person during one of his drinking episodes before I met him (or while we were separated for two months at the end of 2000). (Thank God, I never got the STD. I've been tested many, many times to make sure.) But I'm still repulsed by the whole idea.
So, where's the first guy in all of this? Well, he and his "wife" (that still hurts) moved to another state, and he started using tougher drugs. He quit his job and stopped paying child support. He ended up diagnosed manic/depressive/bi-polar/dsytemic depressed or something drawn out like that. He considered suicide but somehow decided to keep living. His parents went to the other state and brought him and his "wife" back to their house to live. The "wife" somehow ended up with a list of mental illnesses as well. So, for the last few years, my X and his "wife" have been mooching off his parents. And none of them speak to me.
They were my family for sixteen years, but none of them speak to me anymore because I had to tell them that I couldn't speak to them because that's what my current husband demanded. He used to be insanely jealous, and he made me choose between them and him at a time when I had no choice but to say him.
Anyway, though my A says he doesn't mind anymore if I have friendships, he managed to destroy every friendship I had when I got together with him. I spend a lot of time alone in my room, but that's the only place other than work that I feel safe. Fortunately, I have a great career, so I have no complaints there.
I don't let my A sleep in MY room when he's drinking, which is nearly every night. Before I'd heard the word "detach," I'd already become a pro at it. But this whole detach thing is a lonely way to live life. Of course, it's also the only way to survive when in a relationship with an addict. I wish I'd know how to detach during my first marriage; maybe I wouldn't have spent so much time depressed, confused, and sad.
I don't really know what my problem now is--except that I still cannot get my ex out of my heart. It's ridiculous, I know. I know I'm better off without him--especially since he's a full-blown addict now, complete with diagnosed mental illnesses. And I know that my current husband loves his alcohol more than he loves anyone or anything else. I feel so sorry for both of these guys--which is perhaps due to the fact that I also feel sorry for myself.
I don't know. At this point in the story that swims around and around in my head, I begin to feel too confused. I start telling myself that it's all because I'm so unloveable or something. That's how I know I'm probably the sickest of us all.
Okay, feel free to shoot from the hip. What am I missing? I'm placing all of my trust in my HP by writing this all out and posting it. I hope neither my current A nor my past A stumble across it. I apologize that the post is so long. And I am praying that someone will say some words that will help to set me free from this twisting in my heart. Thank you....
You're in the right place and reaching out to others and that is a great start. Detaching can be lonely, but it doesn't have to be. You can make friends, maybe make plans with co-workers and find some interests of your own. Although your ex husband is remarried, that doesn't mean the other woman has the happily ever after that you were supposed to have. They both sound too ill to get out of the relationship. Did you give yourself time to grieve after your fist marriage? You need to grieve for the man you lost to alcohol/drugs, and you need to grieve for the marriage you had hoped for. I don't know what hurts me most, my husband's using or letting go of the dream for a wonderful marriage and realizing what i have settled for. Just for Today I have decided to stay and try to make it work.
You have come to right place. They tell us that we are only as sick as our secrets. I can identify with some of the things you say although our stories are not similar. I wonder if I am unlovable because my A moved out but that is my disease talking. We seem to be attracted to what is familiar which is not necessarily good for us. I have to remind myself that this is a journey for the rest of my life. I have many books that give me insight and comfort like Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. A's don't think much of themselves so they really aren't capable of treating anyone very well. As powerless said, you have to give up the dream and make small decisions for yourself that you can live with even if it is just for today. I have made a decision that even tho my A does not treat me very well that my life was better with him than without him.
First I'd like to say welcome and as the others said you are in the right place for you to begin healing.
I bet it felt good to let all that out and share it with others here. Sick as our secrets is a very true statement.
I am taking a shot in the dark here, but I would make a serious bet that you had an alcoholic/addict who was very close to you during your childhood. I venture to say this because my dad was an alcoholic and I saw so much of me in what you shared. They call this a family disease for a reason. It affects everyone it touches.
I am sure the situation with your ex husband is very painful for you. I can't see how it wouldn't be. He was a part of your life for as long as you can remember, and now he's not. I'm sure losing touch with his family is very hard on you as well. I am still very close to my ex husbands mom and honestly I would be lost without her. The bottom line with his family is that you allowed your current husband to make you sever ties. It doesn't seem to have been your choice. If you feel inclined and were close with his mom maybe writing her a letter would make you feel better, or at the very least bring some closure there for you.
As for your current A......first I'd like to say that it's not that he *loves* alcohol more than anything else. He is suffering from the disease of alcholism/addiction and it's no longer a matter of choice for him. He has lost the power to choose when it comes to drinking. Second.....to stay together simply because you believe you are both too codependent not to.....is not the right reason to spend the rest of your life with someone. It's not healthy for either of you and noone will end up happy in a situation like this.
I know in your post you said you were hoping to hear some words that would set you free from the pain you are currently in and I really wish I had those magic words for you, but I'm afraid I don't. What I do have are some suggestions that have helped many others who have felt the same way as you not to feel this way anymore. This program can truley be a lifesaver for us. By getting a sponsor, going to face to face meetings, working the steps and really applying this program to our lives, we learn that we really do have choices. We learn that we are not the victims of life we believed we were for so long. We learn that noone else on the face of this earth is responsible for our happiness but us. We learn how to trust our Higher Power and how to form a close spiritual relationship with Him. Once we begin doing that, the path we are supposed to be on in this world becomes clearer and clearer to us. Doors start opening in our lives that we never even knew existed before. Our way of thinking becomes healthier and healthier. The sunlight of the spirit begins to get through to us and we truley learn how to live.
I encourage you to begin working on your recovery through this program. What have you got to lose........other than your confusion and misery?
Keep coming back and sharing. We're all here for you and we can relate.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I am very grateful to each of you that replied to my long, rambling post. I love the saying: we are only as sick as our secrets. I hadn't ever heard that before, but it makes a lot of sense.
I do feel better just for throwing it all out there, casting it to the wind, so to speak. I feel lighter, thanks to your words of wisdom and your understanding.
Sometimes I come to the board just to read what so many others write--just to know I'm not alone anymore. Each and every post someone offers makes a difference to my own healing. You are all miracles in my eyes.
Oddly enough, I stumbled into the world of A somehow with no familial background links to it. I was raised in a safe, sane home in which alcohol was never allowed. All of my aunts, uncles, and grandparents believed alcohol was evil, "devil's poison" or something like that. The same was true of my ex's immediate and extended family and of my current A's immediate family. To me, it seems pretty strange that they ended up addicted to alcohol, and I ended up addicted to them. This is one of the reasons I feel so alone. No one in my family can even remotely understand, and they look down on me for my choices.
I keep thinking about going to f2f meetings, and I really should just suck it up and do it. I'm just worried about going though because I teach at a local community college. I'm so afraid I'll run into some of my students at the meetings. One of these days, I'm going to have to stop worrying about what other people think of me! It's past time to grow up; I'm 42, for heaven's sake!
