Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

sad update to anniv and marriage

oceanpine · Senior Member

I'm so sorry that you have found out such a disturbing thing. I wish there was something wise I could offer that would help. What I have been saying to myself lately is... "I accept what is happening to me." It helps me to get on with reality, as painful as it is. You don't need to decide all these things right now, when to leave, where to go. All you need to decide is what you are going to do tomorrow... what is the next right thing? Deep breath... big drink of water... if you don't want to/can't close your eyes, can you look at something lovely? A painting, something on tv like a travel show... or just an image you fasten on in your mind's eye?

I will be sending you thoughts of peace, and acceptance... you are not alone...

Mermaid4 · Member

I am so sorry. I wish you peace and calming images.

You are not alone.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry this has happened. It will take some time just to get your head clear, I know. But I hope you won't lose sight of the fact that there is hope for a more peaceful, serene life. Strange and impossible as it seems in the middle of turmoil and insanity. I hope you can work your program really hard. Do you have a sponsor, meetings? No one should have to go through this without support. Hang in there. {{{Hugs}}}

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm very sorry I hope you can find some peace while you sort things out. I totally agree to take some big breaths before making any decisions

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

OC, I too am very sorry for all that you are going through. Please draw

solice in your face to face meetings and the Al-anon program. You will

be all the stronger for what you are experiencing. Try to look at all the

other beautiful things you have in your life including yourself. {{HUGS}}

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((OCM))) I can so understand your plight. In reading your message I thought it might be bests if you did not worry about the future, stayed in the moment, in the day, so as to gain acceptance of life on life's terms.

Staying with a friend or family member for a few days might help you to get some clarity. In a similar situation ,I found that HP does work in mysterious ways so please try to listen to the still small voice within.

Prayers and positive thoughts on the way.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am just so sorry for what you are experiencing. I hope you have a sponsor and friends at f2f meetings. I've been going through a hard time and my sponsor has helped me so much. If you don't have one It is never too late to ask someone. Praying for you and your daughter. Love in alanon.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you thoughts and prayers for the strength you need. You are not alone. So sorry about what you are going through. We are here with you.

((((((((((ocean))))))))))

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((TheOceanCalls))) - I too am so sorry for your situation and findings. I am sending you huge hugs, prayers and positive thoughts.

I agree with staying in the moment, one moment at a time, one day at a time. Projecting for me is a dangerous place, especially when things are chaotic.

Know that we are here for you and you are not alone...

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

prayers and thoughts with you

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Keep close to us, keep sharing if it helps. Reaching out to your sponsor and meetings for continued love and support may help. Staying with friends or family who love you sounds like good idea. You're lovable. Keep present as others have suggested. Saying the name of my higher power out loud helps for refocusing and pushing obsessive thoughts and images away. I've also heard in Alanon saying STOP helps for refocusing.

Give yourself the time you need to be clear thinking for decision making. It will be worth it in the long run. Taking actions based on logic rather than reacting due to emotion will be best for you and your family. I wish I could give you a hug in person. You deserve the best you are capable of giving yourself. You'll make the best choice that serves your life and circumstances. You self respect and dignity are not changed because of your husband's actions . Please continue to hold your head high as hp holds your hand and your daughter your other hand. Prayers and positive thoughts and of course ((((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 19th of October 2015 01:07:55 PM

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Can you stay somewhere for a few days with your girl? In similar situations, the temptation to obsess was too much. You both deserve some comfort your daughter and you. ((((t.o.c))))

daze · Veteran Member

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. My AH also had affairs always when drinking or drugs were involved. I can't lie and tell you I got over it but I don't think of it as much as I used to. Sadly that part of me is gone and what is left is doing the best I can, one foot in front of the other. I wish you and your daughter peace.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Hugs))))))) Theoceancalls, just HUGE ((((((HUGS)))))))

There are times when I wish I could swear on these boards because my reaction to your news is @$*****s and lots of other words like that.

Like Tiredtonite said, hold your head up high and don't let anybody else's shame and betrayal rub off on you - your self esteem might feel dented but the reality is that you deserve so much more and so many better feelings than the ones that those close to you have made you feel right now.

When my AH had his affair someone said to me 'whatever it is you need right now, ask for it. Do it.' I didn't believe them, I didn't understand that I could and should, for my own self esteem, ask for a lot. I asked for peanuts in comparison to what I needed. I did that because the affair made me feel worthless and it took me three years to realise that I was an ok person! If I were in that situation again I would be telling myself that 'these people are idiots. I believe in me, I am worth so much more than this'.

I believe in you Theoceancalls. I believe in you.

There are lots of choices ahead, but would you prefer it if they waited a week or two? What would you like to do for yourself right now? I know how hard it is to forget about the people who have betrayed you, but if you could be flying around the world on Concord, or spending snug evenings with a dear friend I would be cheering you on from my sidelines. Not sure if this is helpful for you but here is a conversation I've had in my head about what, with hindsight, I wished for myself (allowing a little time to cry and beat my pillow, the time I needed to pick myself up from my tears and shock)... 'If I were the leading lady in a movie, what would make me shout 'Yay, you go girl!!!' at the screen? What would make me love to be that woman? Is it legal? Is it safe? Will I look back on this action with pride in the months and years to come? Is there any reason why I shouldn't do that for myself right now? Then do it.'

One moment at a time, I'm holding you in my prayers. ((((Hugs))))) and oh *@?!*!!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been thinking you deserved so much better for a long time. Trust God and just take the 1 next right step. You were not meant to be stuck in this miserable situation forever. You are facing change...try not to let it overwhelm and petrify you. It will be ok. I am also sad amd angry that you haven't had a real husband or a very good father for your daughter for years. That is deeply upsetting and infidelity on top of it....yeah. So wrong. You are kind and can do better without him. I do think he will try to not let harm come to your daughter, but you will need to trust God there to. I think you also have info and proof that will help you lots in the eyes of a divorce / custody case if it comes to that. HUGS OTC.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 20th of October 2015 07:06:23 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I was going to say sometimes my HP literally kicks me in the butt to make some changes .. not because I'm being punished or anything like that .. however because I'm being motivated to be more active in either my responsibilities or learning how to live my life. I can tell you if my XAH didn't behave the way he did I would have continued to die a slow death in the marriage .. his cheating was a blessing in disguise. It was what motived me to do something different for me. I haven't regretted that in the least.

Hugs S :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene