The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner is in rehab and due out Dec. After 4 months its as if a miracle has happened and he has now said he never wants to drink again and knows that as he is an addict he cant pick up ever again as he knows he wont stop. He was singing the praises of meetings and shares. Now he is saying when he comes out he isnt going to go to any meetings as he feels he has nothing in common with the people that go and sees himself as different (better in some ways i'd say). He has already cut down on weekly meetings he was attending whilst there. Ive just come back from a Recovery event over he weekend and he seemed 100% confident he would never pick up again but is also 100% sure he can do that without meetings and talks as if he is fine now -he has been an alcoholic for 20 years and the last year total hell and insanity.
One evening he was trying to get me to have a glass of wine with my food as he said he didn't want me to loose out but I refused as I dont drink in front of him or have drink in the house...but he tried to persuade me but I just said I didn't want one.Its just occurred, could he actually be in a process of relapse do you think? thankyou.
Hi Carmel. There's a bunch of ISMs in recovery, they are symptoms if you will of the disease. One of them is I Sponsor Myself, which leapt to mind when I read your post. Alcoholism is a thinking disease as much as I is a physical one. Best thing you can do for you, is not follow suit. Alanon meetings and doing things for yourself, allowing you to have a view that's not attached to whatever the disease dictates, those are just invaluable. Irs very difficult being partnered to an alcoholic in isolation as one really begins to question reality, not to mention the getting needs met part. Relapse approaching, I don't know. Some people have been with dry alcoholics for years and years and that seems its own particular hell. Thinking disease, abstinence is just one part of recovery. Take good care of you and check out some meetings.
Yes. It probably is. People don't generally stay sober with the attitude that they are different or that an easier way exists for them. They also don't stay sober off professing what they "wont do" for their recovery. They stay sober off showing what they WILL do for their sobriety. This share from me is not alanon and all based on my ESH as an alcoholic, but also a substance abuse counselor.
Now...for the alanon part...what will you do in spite of his clear insanity and bad judgment brewing? Alanon is there to keep you grounded and connected to those who have been in your shoes or still are. It will stop your world from revolving around this alcoholic so much and his tragic insanity.
Yeah, there is some chance he will stay dry for good or quite some time off this treatment. Not likely, but possible. You have zero control over that. What you can control is improving your coping skills and ability to handle whatever comes down the pike through participation in alanon
Hi Carmel, I agree with Mark, although it is difficult to mind read and determine if this is the beginning of a relapse, his attitude is not one of someone determined to stay sober.
I am glad you are attending Al-Anon and urge you to continue. I love how you did not fall into the trap of ordering a drink while he was pressuring you to do so.
They are master manipulators. Go to Al Anon quickly, please and ask God to reveal Truth to you. Put your armor on because it's not going to be pretty. Work on yourself through Al Anon and you will grow in protection from there. Hug.
Hey Carmel - I will never try to assume I can figure out what another is thinking, considering, believing, etc. What I do know is that recovery is very difficult but is easier when one is using the program, the fellowship and all resources offered.
I fully understand where your mind is. When one we love goes into treatment and appears to be doing great, we want to hope for the happily ever after. Projection is such a dangerous thing for those of us in recovery. This applies to both sides - one day at a time is paramount to living in the moment/day.
So, it's October 18th. December is not here for a few days. Your partner may have a change of mind between then and now - actually, your partner may have many - we don't know what we don't know. What we do know is that you care for your partner, you've been exposed to this awful disease and are affected.
I agree with those above me - work on you. Learn as much as you can about how to be the best you in spite of what your partner does. Learn to live each day for you while detaching with love from what your partner does or does not do. It's not the easiest approach to a relationship, but it's doable with help/support in the program and it's so worth it as are you!
I believe that what your partner says is what your partner believes can happen. We don't know but it took me a long time to accept that the person I love is still the person I love - the lies, substance abuse, stupid words, crappy attitude, etc. is the disease. QTIP comes to mind - Quit Taking It Personally...
(((Hugs))) to you - it's not easy. The last time one of mine was in treatment, I communicated my boundaries clearly and concisely. Any discussion about post treatment, I deferred until we were meeting with the counselor. I didn't want to own any part of 'it' - their recovery or their relapse - whichever path was destined. I would actually say outloud that I didn't want to talk about discharge, I wanted to stay in the now.
Keep coming back here - we're just a post away!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Carmel...I've had the experience of what you are talking about with an exwife alcoholic/addict who made the decision to not do the recovery program as she had been shown by the fellowship. I took the attitude that I didn't like being married to "an" alcoholic and told her I didn't think she was one. She quit the program and when back out on another 5 year run and I didn't have 5 more years in me. I stayed with Al-Anon as my life depended on it and got recovery. She took the hard road and while the last time I saw here she truly looked clean and sober it scares me that she would relapse. Stay with your own program as that is the one that keeps your sane. (((hugs)))
Thank you all for your responses and taking the time to reply, it means so much to me to know people are there. My partner is also lying alot so the old behaviors are still there...
If anyone has any literature or books they recommend that might be helpful for me, I'd appreciate it. Ive gone straight to al-anon face to face meetings and have no got a sponsor.
Thank you all for replying again, it means the world when im feeling abit shaken. Thnakyou
Carmel alanon literature can usually be obtained at Meetings I suggest the Daily Readers Courage to Change and One day at aTime in Alanon as well as The Delima of the Alcoholic Marriage and,When I got Busy I got Better, to start with . The small booklets are also a gold mine:"Alcoholism the Family Disease" and the Merry-GO-Round named Denial are both very powerful ,informative and usuful
I agree with Betty above me! As much as I had to learn in this program, I started with the daily readers as I struggled to digest more than what's written on a single page in the beginning. If your local meetings don't have a literature library for purchase/loan, all are available at the Al-Anon website and most, if not all, are also available at Amazon.
I went to my local library to borrow anything I could when I started. I'm one who likes to sample before I buy and this helped me pick literature that I thought I would actually pick up and read.
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
