I am still very pregnant.  38 weeks today actually. My due date is Halloween. My AH went to a detox center a week and a half ago.  He was only there for 4 days and was discharged.  He missed his sister's wedding the weekend he was gone.  I was alone in the house with a 2 yr old and a very pregnant belly.  Doctor told me I was 3cm dilated the day before he left so I was fearful I may go into labor, alone in the home.  However, I had a plan in place involving family members.  I do have ALOT of help from his family, my family, and numerous friends. I am very grateful for that. Many people were telling me to try to get him to stay for rehab (people without programs mainly.)  Well, I set one boundary on him and that was that if he was clean he could be in the home and if he was not then my son and I would not live under the same roof as him.   I left how he managed to become clean on him.  He did not stay for rehab, saying he cant stand being away from us especially with me so pregnant.  He is a great person when he is not on substances, but see, two Mondays ago he was caring for our 2 yr old high as a kite and could hardly walk.  So, the thought of him saying he wants to be around in case I go into labor is sweet, but its useless unless hes sober, because he would be a hindrance in Labor and Delivery like that.

So, I am reminded how strong I am once again from all this.  I am also shown how amazing my HP is because the baby did not arrive yet and I am emotionally becoming stronger.  physically I want her out NOW because I am SO uncomfortable. Emotionally I felt very much not ready yet, but now I feel its time.  I can handle it either way.  If he is in early recovery and going to meetings every night (been through that before) I can handle it, that's the ideal situation.  If he is not in his right mind.  I am sorry for him to miss the birth and newborn days, but I will be okay with or without him around.  I have so many people to help me.  I can get on this website if I feel lacking in f2f meetings because of the newborn. Also, there is hope for my AH.  I hold the hope for him reminding myself that he is sick, not bad.  He loves me and our son and this baby girl on the way.  He described his choice to relapse like this.   "I felt I had two options because I was so anxious I could not breathe.  I could put a bullet in my brain, or roll the dice on getting high and feeling better."  If that doesn't show the disease I don't know what does.  Its not like he wakes up in the morning thinking "I want to lie and steal from my wife, hurt everyone who loves me, sit all alone in my truck, let my business fall apart, not be able to sleep or eat or poop. Sounds like a blast."

So, I sway back and forth from compassion to anger.  I am human, the disease looks like they are just scumbags, it would piss the pope off. Hope is alive because my AH is still alive.  He definitely could have died alone in the hotel room the first night I kicked him out.  I'm sure he had more than enough on him to OD.  He did not die, though.  He called me the second night in detox begging me to pick him  up, telling me he was not that sick and he just wants to be home with us.  I told him I needed time to think and could he call me back.  I called my sponsor and prayed about it.  When he called back I said this "I love you.  I will always love you.  I am not picking you up.  You are a grown man and can leave if you'd like but we will not live with you until you're clean."  I felt so proud because there was not even a hint of mean in my tone just matter of fact.  He chose to stay until discharge.  He has gone to a meeting every night since he has been back, except one night.  He is reaching out to people. There is hope.

But I had a great epiphany yesterday.  Its not anything new, logically I already knew it.  But it traveled from my mind to my heart last night.  I have no control over what kind of father my children will have.  He could get well and be the Dad I saw for the first year and a half of my son's life.  Or he could fall apart, spiral out of control, be unreliable, and down right scary at times. I am powerless over it.  I do have control, however, over what kind of mother they will have.  By focusing on myself, working the steps, getting to as many meetings as possible, talking with my sponsor, reading my literature, reaching out to others, and most importantly, turning my will and my life over to the care of my HP, I can be the kind of mother I want for them.  I can be fun, and play, and read, sing and laugh, I can show them its ok to feel your emotions.  I can create them healthy meals, I can play games, I can make crafts, I can take them on outings, I can make time for them.  I can focus on myself and on them rather than on what my AH, or anyone else for that matter, is up to. I can also show them that their Daddy is not a bad man, but an amazing person, full of love and kindness, beauty, and humor.  That he is a human being with a wicked disease, one that will never go away, but can be arrested.  We can hold the hope for Daddy and pray for him.

Just for today I will be a kind, loving mother to my son.  I will have no complaints about how sore I am because the baby in my tummy is healthy and moving.  I will allow my AH the dignity to live his own life, however he chooses.  I will refrain from comments of negativity or cruelness towards him.  I will be courteous and kind to all I meet.  I will hand my will to my HP and I will be loving and gentle towards myself. 

Thank you for reading.