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Most of you know that I have moved on to a new relationship to someone who is not an addict or alcoholic, but that does not mean he does not have baggage or issues. I have recently been asking myself if I am settling for 'a relationship(being in one specifically with a good man)' or if my discontent and unsettling feelings are more about me and my inability to know what's good for me since all my interactions with men have been dysfunctional, at best, in the past. Am I actually settling or am I just not giving this relationship time to unfold.
I know that this relationship is 10x healthier than my marriage was, but I still can't shake the feeling that I need more from him. I pulled out all my writings on what I wanted in a new romantic relationship: stuff I did when I did step work over the year; and I found that he meets 90% of my criteria. But, now I find myself asking if I actually need 100% or if I'm OK with 90%? I've written up the lists of positives and negatives. I've prayed and I still pray for God's will to be done and for me to be in my Higher Power's will at all times. I never feel that I am being directly told to get out or that there any big red flags waving at me either.
So, my biggest issue is that he is not emotionally expressive with his words. Not big on words of affirmation AT ALL. I have absolutely no idea how the man feels about me and I haven't had the nerve to directly ask him. We did have a conversation a month ago and it somehow led to him telling me that if he were to write his issues with me down on a sheet of paper, that paper would be a blank white sheet with nothing on it. He says he has no issues with me and he always shows he cares about me with his actions. Honestly, it's his actions that keep me in it still because I've never been treated this well by a man before. I guess I just wish that his words would follow his actions. With my XAH and all the alcoholics in my life it was the opposite. Their words spoke love and all kinds of promises: but it was all lies because the actions were never there to back it all up.
I keep wondering if I've, yet again, found a man who is emotionally unavailable? Yet, he has shown me that he has empathy when it comes to his ex-wife, he expresses his emotions to his children on a regular basis, and when I ask for things from him (like a hug or time to just connect and talk with no TV on, etc) he always obliges. He is extremely respectful of me, of my time, and of my son. He has God in his life and we have the same values. If he has even 1 hour free and he's near my house he will ask me to meet up. If he has free time, he's usually with me (if I have the time, as well). We help each other out regularly and serve each other with no expectations or hidden agendas. I've met his 2 young children. The last time I went to their house and the kids were there, I rang the doorbell, and I hear the kids screaming, "B's here....She's here...yay!" I know they enjoy my visits and spending time with me as much as I enjoy the time with them.
And, I'm still very much physically attracted to him. I know I love him, but I just can't shake this feeling that something is missing. And, I can't figure out if this is something from my family of origin issues growing up in alcoholism or if this is a point where I need to just walk away? 6 months is not that long of a time for a dating relationship so I've just been taking it one day at a time. I figured it's going to hurt pretty bad if I break it off now or if I do it in 6 months so I just keep going through the motions and loving him and his girls as best as I can. I'm trying to give it time, I'm praying that God shows me the way, and I swear I work my program harder now than I ever did when I was living with active alcoholism! Because I now know what it means: I have to take me with me wherever I go! Sigh.....
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I just want to share my experience, if I would have let go of my husband because he's not expressive with words I would have let go of the best man I ever had. He's very quiet, but he's shown me that he's there for me in other way. Still you should listen to your gut, only you can know what's best for you. The answer will come. Love and blessings
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Well..... if he shows he loves you with his actions and his behavior could that not be enough? Huge amount of men out there that simply are not comfortable with saying what they feel. And really 90% approval rating? Wow, that is great because we all have baggage.
Your age group was raised with television. On television, men are indeed very into their feelings and their emotions and they have deep and intense conversations with their partners where they bare all. I just don't think this happens so much in real life. My father was a very articulate man, a very passionately involved man, a man well respected in the community. He told such a good story of what he was- a devoted husband, loving father etc. In truth he was an unfeeling and selfish human being with a narcisstic personality. I learned early that daily actions speak a lot louder and more truthfully than words.
I am wondering if you are so used to the chaotic and drama filled life with an alcoholic, that you find a real, loving, supportive relationship rather boring. There is something missing and that is the drama. Not advising you to go or to stay but just think you need to give it more time and more work.
Andromeda My only thought on the subject is that I did not/ could not get back into a romantic relationship after my marriage of 23 years ended before I spent much time finding myself. defining my principles, my needs and learning how to be me as a single woman- not needing another to complete me. I would second what Karma shared regarding discarding a person because they were not expressive with words . A great many can BS and talk the talk I would look for someone who could walk the walk.
You are doing fine.
We all have slightly different sets of needs and what wouldn't bother some people would leave me feeling bad, and vice versa.
It's clear that you both have gotten into a groove where this one part of the relationship (talking out loud about your feelings for each other) is not happening. That's a tricky part so it's not always clear what that means. I remember one relationship where the man said, "I was talking to my brother about how you don't have a lot of affection for me, and he said that if you don't have it, you don't have to pretend you do..." And I was just boggled. I thought, "But I adore you. It's not obvious? I'm not showing it?" And the thing was that sure enough, I wasn't. I just thought things like, "Well, I talk to you every day, I never do that with people I don't care for, I'm just not very talkative with most people." But he didn't really know that. What I thought was totally obvious, totally wasn't.
Anyway, my long-winded point was that he may not realize that it's not showing in ways that you need it to show. Or, he could just be wired that way and he doesn't care. It's hard to know.
But what strikes me is that you haven't brought it up. That's the one piece where you could influence things. I know how scary it is to do that. And if you're not totally confident your point of view is legitimate, it's even harder to bring it up. But ... you don't know what would happen if you bring it up. Maybe it would break the logjam and you'd have a great talk and get more of what you want. Or of course maybe he'd sympathize but it would be obvious that that's just not who he is.
It does look to me as if "If nothing changes, nothing changes." So you know what it's going to be like if you do as you've been doing. Would gathering more information be something that might shed more light on the situation?
Well - all I can say is I married (first) a man who was very vocal + demonstrative and actionable. Quite frankly, he was needy and it drove me nutz.....I was young, head-strong, independent and felt totally smothered.
I met/married my AH next. He was very independent, funny, kind, demonstrative and lacking vocal feelings. But, when I asked we talked in depth and I believe he was honest. He relapsed 2-3 years into the marriage and it all dried up...
So, I gotta go with Betty - I view my now time, while I am in a marriage of convenience, as the time to work on me - loving me and being happy with me. I come from a long line of strong women, and due to faith, 3 of my aunt's who lost husbands went on, unmarried but peaceful and content with their lives.
I don't know what my future holds, but can suggest that I have no doubt my picker is defective. I have no desire to marry again and may/may not look for a man. I love the title of Woopi Goldberg's new book - If Someone Says You Complete Them......RUN!! This is exactly how I've felt for a long, long while. If I partner up again, I am not looking for a talking or a hugger or a great lover. I want a great communicator....
I believe if two or more can communicate effectively, the sky is the limit. I need to be able to state my truth and they should be able to also. I believe everyone, no matter their stage or age, no matter their baggage or not - is on their best behavior in the first 5+ years of a relationship. I've been married 24+ years and there are still things I am finding out about my husband that he either was ashamed to share or we just never discussed. Not big things, but things - and all life experiences make us who we are --- good and bad.
So - if you have something to ask and don't do it, that's on you. If you have something you need and don't state it, that's on you. I say this with love as when I read your post, I can see that you might have the best relationship EVER but not realize it as all those before have been LESS THAN good.....
Only you can determine if your list is needs/wants. Only you can decide if you are settling or still learning about each other. For me, not only is my picker broken, but my trust and radar are bent a bit too.
My sponsor has been extremely helpful for me in my relationships. It is being powerless over people that causes me the most confusion and she's been a gift ten fold with these types of issues/unknowns.
(((Hugs))) - trust your program and trust yourself with HP. Don't hurry, don't worry - just take it moment by moment and try to enjoy. I am one who believes that love is a decision vs. a feeling so take what you like and leave the rest...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I want to share my experience regarding something deacon said, just because it did affect me. I was addicted to chaos and drama and it took me a long time to get used to our relationship being quiet. Our relationship didn't start out quiet, we both grew up around the disease and after I joined recovery it became that way. The change in our relationship was super easy for him, he said he'd waited his whole life for peace and serenity. I continued to think and look for something wrong with our relationship as I had done that for my entire life in all my relationships. I have recently taken another part time job as a barista, because I need a little bit more activity and excitement. It's fun, healthy and I'm earning extra money to pay off my house and my car. Sometimes I am still a little afraid of how quiet he is, but I resist the urge to question that or find something wrong with him. Big hugs and blessings ;)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Yes, what Deacon said is true: I look for drama and chaos. I do think I should have taken more time to be single and I was only looking to date casually at first: didn't expect to find someone relatively normal who I meshed with so well so soon, honestly. But, here I am.
Our communication is fine, honestly, because I have learned to tell him when I need something from him. If I want a hug, I ask for one. If something he said bothered me I tell him, "Hey you ticked me off with that and hurt my feelings: can you tell me what you meant by it?" If I want to bring something up, he's 100% ok with the conversation. My problem is that I am always afraid of his answers and this goes back to my dysfunctional marriage. I am afraid of the truth because it might hurt or because I might hear something I am not ready to hear. I know that about myself. So, I waffle about whether to just let things unfold naturally and see where it's all going or should I just start bringing stuff up and throw caution to the wind?
Last night we went to the Garth Brooks concert and took his 2 girls with us as he couldn't find a babysitter and we had the tickets anyway. I'm not used to people saying, "Oh, your daughter is so adorable!" LOL, I have a 16 year old boy so hearing the word daughter was kind of funny. And, I was definitely not ready for his 9 year old to stand with me the whole time attached to my hip with her arms around my neck while we sang and danced, while my bf held onto his 7 year old daughter. At one point we all stood together and he and I held hands with our hands on his 9 year old's shoulder and I swear a part of me wanted to run and the other part of me was completely at peace.
Honestly, I think there is a big part of me that is glad we're taking things slow and that he hasn't professed undying love to me yet. I probably would go running for the hills even if I felt the same way, as hard as it is for me to admit that about myself. I am working my program very hard with my sponsor (a new sponsor, too) and starting my steps over again as of this summer.
And, as for comparing my new bf to my XAH: My x was/is a great communicator. He would keep me up until 2 AM talking about all his junk and then start blaming everyone and everything for his miserable life and then he'd get mad at me for trying to cut it short so I could get to bed so I could get up for work. My X was wonderful at words of affirmation almost to the point where it made me uncomfortable. He also believed that sex meant the only way to show love and it became a HUGE issue in our marriage, even before the drinking started back up. My X was all about being the martyr and creating drama and I fed right into it and I bit on every morsel he threw my way. I engaged over and over again.
So, what I have now is completely different and it's taking me time to adjust, obviously. Bf and I can talk for hours and only 10 minutes of it will be about us or about something we're going to do together in the future or about shared goals and visions. I'm just struggling to figure out how to be in a healthier relationship that will also have it's own struggles and pitfalls and triumphs.....it will just be different. Different is good, though, because this whole thing is teaching me how to practice my program in new ways and it's teaching me how to love in a new way, as well. It's also teaching me to love myself and to know that NO ONE WILL EVER COMPLETE ME....I've always hated that line from that movie, by the way. UGH.....
Thanks everyone. Love the feedback as always here.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
All I can think when I read this is, most of us spend the majority of our time in relationships with our A's trying to think of the "magic words" that we can say to them to make them take action, make a decision, see things the right way, or whatever. We develop this belief that the 'right words" are going to somehow cure everything.
And I wonder if this like that, where you aren't entirely certain if you are ready for a full on relationship and that is a very uncomfortable feeling so instead you're focused on waiting for him to say the right words about HIS feelings so that you can use it to decide your own?
I hope that doesn't offend; I'm just picturing myself in your shoes and wondering how I might feel.
Is it possible you're feeling like something is missing, yet no red flags are coming from him....because the red flag is actually within you? You do state that "I do think I should have taken more time to be single....But, here I am". Could you be uneasy because you're just not sure if you're ready for a full on relationship at this present moment?
I wonder if the answer doesn't lie in delving right back into the program head first and exploring your own truest self, and letting the answer come from there.
Just my thoughts, sorry if they are off base
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
"Last night we went to the Garth Brooks concert and took his 2 girls with us as he couldn't find a babysitter and we had the tickets anyway. I'm not used to people saying, "Oh, your daughter is so adorable!" LOL, I have a 16 year old boy so hearing the word daughter was kind of funny. And, I was definitely not ready for his 9 year old to stand with me the whole time attached to my hip with her arms around my neck while we sang and danced, while my bf held onto his 7 year old daughter. At one point we all stood together and he and I held hands with our hands on his 9 year old's shoulder and I swear a part of me wanted to run and the other part of me was completely at peace."
I think this is a very telling piece. You've been with this guy just 6 months. You're son is grown. At 16 years old, your obligations to him are not the same as your new bf's are to 7 and 9 year old children. I'm sure his girls are precious and so genuine in their welcome of you but it's a lot in a short time. You're getting to know him in a six month relationship. You add young kids into the mix and I can understand your uneasiness. You believe you love him but you're so new to one another. In my humble opinion, it's a time to know one another and really see if you are a viable couple before seeing if you're a viable "family." This concert might have not been the usual occurence but honestly at only six months with him, I would have had a very similiar reaction.
There are lots of great guys out there and lots of possibilities for great relationships. I guess if I was a believer in "the one," I would have stopped after my exah because at the time I believed he was it.
Since experiencing Alanon, being treated well is an expectation of anyone I choose to invite into my life not just a romantic partner. Thank goodness, Alanon has taught me to treat myself respectfully. As much as I've appreciated men I've met and the good treatment I received, I'm glad I didn't settle for someone based on that. The ability to show up, treat another person well and communicate feelings is just the beginning. For me, that's the quality of a friendship with anyone.
I'm with someone today but glad I gave myself the opportunity to meet and date others so I could see how I showed up in all kinds of situations and experiences. Yeah... it feels a bit scary but the growth has been worth it to me. When I met someone who seemed just a little more right for me, it was evident because after a long marriage, I had more than just my exah for comparison.
I had a rebound relationship immediately after my divorce. Then, like hotrod, I made a decision to take the needed time to know myself. I stopped dating for two years. My life included my hp, alanon, friends, fun, family and work. At first, the idea seemed ridiculous to me but I'm grateful today I chose to do it. It really gave me the chance to know myself, to heal from my divorce and be on my own to learn more about my wants and needs.
Don't worry that you've found yourself in a relationship you feel uncertain about. If it doesn't feel quite right, it's good that you're not in denial about it. The answers that are right for you concerning this relationship are out there. Your hp will continue to guide you to where you're mean't to be. Thanks for your share. ((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you, TT. Yes, the answers are out there and I'm honestly in no rush to find some of them because I do enjoy this man and his company and our relationship at this point. Oh, and for what it's worth: I've never believed in 'the one' or in the idea of soul mates or any of that stuff. I've never been a romantic and have always been slow to fall in love with men in the past. The knight in shining armor idea never even crosses my mind and that's why I'm still so surprised that I fell into a marriage with my XAH because I always thought I lived in reality and made good conscientious choices. Obviously, God had other plans for me and I'm very grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself through my marriage to my XAH. Not only did it bring me my son, who is such an awesome blessing in my life, but it's also taught me about my childhood and about abandonment and fear.....things I never recognized back when I got married in my early 20s. I was naive and our dysfunction just fit each other so perfectly.
As for this man I'm dating: he treats not only me with respect but also his ex-wife. He thinks about her feelings. I see how he treats his children with kindness yet also with discipline. I appreciate how he cares for me and checks up on me. He has concern for my son and will ask me how he's doing or how tennis is going or school with him. He serves his community, takes his kids to church, and is a responsible member of society as far as I can tell. We have a friendship developing and our relationship isn't all about physical attraction and sex. For me, the friendship and companionship are more important at my age than some of the other stuff was years ago. I appreciate all of the good stuff, too.
I think what Melissa said above is true for me: the red flag may actually lie within myself......and I have to let my Higher Power talk to me. I know I'm exactly where God wants me to be; I just have to pray that I am in His will always and that I am listening to that still small voice within.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I do not have a lot to share in regards to current relationships. Lol .. I'm a year into being out of the divorce and 3 1/2 being separated I'm just not ready. I have a lot more step work to address. It sounds to me like things are to normal/healthy and you aren't used to it. Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship and need to take a break for a bit to get settled on how you feel and not worry about what is our isn't happening with him. 6 months is so new into a relationship it takes time for someone to unpack their baggage. What would happen if you did a step 4 on how you are feeling? See where you are at? You are most definitely outside your norm in terms of chaos. It sounds like you are looking for him to do something wrong for lack of a better term. If you look for 100% you aren't going to find it .. 90% is pretty dang good ... Very honestly it doesn't sound like he's emotionally unavailable .. Maybe it would help to look at yourself and see where you are being emotionally unavailable. I'm just thinking about what you have shared and there is a whole lot of focus about what he is and isn't doing. You got this and if he's not the one, he's not the one .. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((Andromeda))) I do understand that you and the new BF are adults, and dating is an adventure but I would be concerned how the little girls who are bonding with you and disappointing their unvoiced expectations. To this day I do not fully connect with my partner''s children for that reason and they are in their late 30.
Betty, thank you for the concern over the girls. I have the same concerns and have voiced those to my partner. He is of the opinion that people come in and out of our lives no matter what the dynamic of the relationship may be and that his children need to experience that. He has no issues with how we're bonding and how the kids are around me, etc. They seem to be very well adjusted children and have a healthy outlook on life, as well. He's a very good father and protects his children and I trust that he knows his kids better than I do so I am just following his lead and checking in with him if I feel it necessary.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
