The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
More counselling. Grief is a strange thing. Buried grief resurfacing. It sounds as if you have accepted your loss. I just dont know if acceptance is the right word. It seems to me that when we cant physically hold the ones we love, letting go of all the pain and hurt is really difficult because somehow they, the loved ones are wrapped up in with that pain too. And I just cant bear the thought of letting them slip away more. This is what my emotional logic is. And my goodness, am I raw. Anyone from that time, brings up so many feelings. And yet, in the here and now, all the characters in the nightmare are in new productions, such is life, not all who played relive the pain. But three lives were changed forever. We were not playing a game, we were loved and we loved. I just don't understand how innocence and goodness can be crushed in broad daylight. Anyway, I'm reliving some old pain at the moment and crying buckets and feeling. On a daily basis, I do feel better, lighter, less angry. I'm hoping that eventually, I will be able to look at this moment and not be heartbroken.
I think I'm making progress in being able to look. Xx
(((A41))) - I too hear you and understand. I'm also sending you and yours prayers and positive thoughts. Your post made me remember how very raw my pain was when I realized how diseased my first born was....I was so torn up in so many ways that I could not even look at all the happy photos around my home. Instead of seeing a smiling boy looking back at me, I saw a baby boy that some how I had affected with this horrible disease. I saw the smiles as lies and bull-honky and was angry, sad, mad, desperate and just plain crazy.
I laid all the photos down for a long, long while as I just couldn't deal with it then. I have gotten to the other side, and you can too. It's a process and there's no set time for it. For me - it just happened after a whole bunch of program work, step work, crying, sharing and sponsor assistance. I had to accept, surrender, and most importantly truly believe that I did not cause this disease in my boy. Once I truly believed I didn't cause it, the ability to accept, surrender and move forward was easier.
Of course, I had a rinse and repeat as 2 years into my oldest son's sobriety, my 2nd son disclosed he was also an addict....he was older, hid it better & longer and I was in a better place. He's still active in his disease and I'm still active in my recovery. I've not seen him in more than 2.5 months...I still feel sad at times but my heart doesn't ache like it did before!!
For me to reflect back to where I was (where you are) and see the progress I have made makes me believe in miracles. I truly thought I would die of heart-ache and from the grief I was experiencing over the loss of the dreams/hopes I had for my son(s). I made it through with great program support and a great sponsor who happens to also be a therapist. I am so sorry for your pain, but wanted you to know that you are not alone and there is hope!
When I get crazy, I keep my focus on loving my people and hating the disease. It does seem to help me process a bit better and a bit faster.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
