Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

ChipsAreFalling · Member

Nearing my limit?

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

CAF, welcome to MIP and glad you posted. I originally posted

that you would do well to join a local Al-anon group and I

apologize, for missing that you said you do go to an afternoon

meeting.

-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 14th of October 2015 04:50:37 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

ChipsAreFalling -

Welcome to MIP - so glad you are here and glad you decided to share with us. I see that you are involved with local Al-Anon - Yay for you!!! I also had two young ones (they're grown now) and found it very challenging to juggle work, their activities, meetings, program, etc. I can relate and wanted to share with you that there are 2 meetings here each day - AM & PM - see upper left for the schedule and the link to the meeting room.....even if you can only join and have to come/go during the meeting, it's ok - a few attend from work and yet others are managing meals, kids, etc. In other words, we understand!

We don't make recommendations on another's experiences. What I can share with you is that if you can find the time to work the program, you'll learn how to detach and set boundaries that are intended for 'good' vs. consequences. In other words, you may decide you want him to leave and sleep elsewhere if he chooses to drink. Or, perhaps a spare bedroom or .....

Detaching and boundaries are critical tools for successfully finding your peace and serenity, IMO....The program is designed to help us learn to live our lives happily and with joy - no matter what those around us are doing.

(((Hugs))) - glad you are here!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome ChipsAreFalling. I can so identify with your experience and the feeling of intense loneliness even while being in a marriage.

I agree with the others who suggested that you continue your attendance at alanon as a way of breaking the isolation caused by living with this chronic progressive disease. In alanon meetings I developed new constructive tools to live by as well as an awareness that I felt so lonely because I had abandoned myself while attempting to manage /fix others. . Our on line meetings here are excellent and provide an alternative to face to face meetings.

It is important to remember that this is a disease over which we are powerless. In order not to be sucked into the destructiveness of this disease we MUST begin to really take care of ourselves so that we can love and care for others.

Keep coming back there is hope

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon suggests that boundaries are more effective than ultimatums. An ultimatum is an attempt to control the other person. (So, for instance, "You have to stop drinking or else I'll leave.") Boundaries are to protect us. (So, for instance, "I find that I can't be around drinking any more. I'm losing my sanity and my serenity and I need to protect myself and the children. If the drinking continues, I'll have to protect myself by moving out with the children. I don't have any right to tell you what to do, but I have to do what I can to protect myself.")

The thing about both ultimatums and boundaries is that we have to be ready to follow through when we set them. When they hear a ultimatum or a boundary, many alcoholics will violate it first thing, partly to demonstrate that they can't be controlled, partly because they can't control themselves, and partly to see if they can get away with running over our limits. If they violate it and we don't do what we said we would, they feel free to behave their worst. So it's important to be sure that we're setting a boundary that's right for us, and to have a careful plan as to what we'll do if/when it's violated, and how we'll handle life after that.

Because boundaries are there to protect us and not to try to control them (because we can't control anyone but ourselves), it's not even necessary to tell the alcoholic what our boundaries are. We can just know that if a certain degree of insanity is reached, we won't be able to behave as if things are hunky-dory. We'll have to put our boundary into effect. Either way, telling ahead of time or not, the alcoholic will probably argue, blame, berate, lay guilt, and make a thousand promises to get us to go back on our decision. Then if we do, he sees that he can get away with it, and it's back to the old behaviors.

All of this is tricky so that's why Al-Anon recommends six months of recovery for us before we make any major decisions. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Michelle and welcome to the board...We understand that you can and will do anything you decide you want to or have to do because after all we have been where you are at now. Many of the things we decided to do to win the alcoholic war will help you understand that we know where you are at now and hope and pray you stay with Al-Anon and work it for all that you are worth...It works when you work it. We do not get guarantees that anything or a certain thing will work and we do get the hope that our chances are better if we do something different than what we are doing presently else wise we might find ourselves doing the same things over and over again expecting different results which in Al-Anon speak is the definition of insanity. Do something different which for me was getting in and staying in the program and doing my best to do what the others we doing that helped to change their lives. That is what worked for me. I gave up trying to engineer my own solutions because after all it seemed that the alcoholic/addict and her disease knew where my game plan book was and memorized it. When I reached my limit I just stopped\ everything I was doing to combat the disease and took on a "I don't know and I've never known" attitude and practiced what the winners in the program were doing. That worked and it was a great limit for me.

Stay with the meetings and keep coming back here also to enjoy the MIP tools...some of whom have already shared their ESH with you. (((((hugs))))) smile

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

The only prerequisite for AA is that an A wants to stop drinking. My AH did exactly what yours did and was still drinking while attending meetings. He even showed up to one so drunk that a few of the members had to drive him home. I only found out about that situation from a friend who my AH confided in and I still to this day haven't even mentioned it as it would only bring more shame to him. There is hope here though. He is at least attending meetings so that shows you he does have some understanding of his problem and he is trying to fix it. For my husband he just didn't know how to stop as he was so physically addicted to alcohol. When he would try to cut down he would have horrible withdrawals and I didn't really know how bad he was addicted until he actually did stop and ended up detoxing in the hospital as he was shaking and throwing up so bad.

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I too have two young kids and felt like a single mom for years as his main concern was drinking. Instead of ultimatums, you could really think about what your boundaries are and discuss them with your AH. This disease takes a huge mental toll and I can so relate to where you are at with this. A few months ago I thought I was having a mental breakdown. If my husband hadn't finally found sobriety I am sure I would have snapped. I was crying all the time at work, couldn't concentrate on anything, short fused with the kids, etc. I thank god I found al anon. I still cry every time I share in a face-to-face meeting but I think it is only healthy and probably because I kept so much stuff bottled up. Another thing that has helped me is finally telling some close friends and family what was going on. Having his disease be such a secret was just so hard and opening up to people has been such a savior.

Big hugs to you and your family. Sending you tons of prayers and please reach out to me anytime you need because I really do understand what you are going through.

ChipsAreFalling · Member

Thank you all for sharing. I'm stepping back up with my meetings and hope to get the courage to approach someone to sponsor me soon.

Jazzie - It's so nice (but not really ?!?) to hear from someone in a similar position. I do feel like it has helped somewhat, as I said, the verbal insults and picking fights would have ended the marriage well before now had that not been stopped - I credit AA for that at least. My AH has described himself as being in a constant state of detox as he never stops for more than a day or 2 when he does attempt it.

As for family, his family know he's tried/trying to stop but frankly are just as bad off as he is in that respect - don't even get me started on that whole mess lol! My family is aware as the final straw that led him to admit the extent of his drinking and go to AA last year happened while we were visiting them out of state. It was NOT pretty. However, my mom also has an AH (not that she would ever say that out loud) and is a codie to the core; also my family is all out of state so there is only so much they can/could support me and the girls anyway. I'm thinking of trying to swing a visit home with the kids during one of the holiday breaks if we have the miles to pay for the tickets.

My plan is to do the best I can to get more involved with my recovery, and I've started trying out some group exercise classes to get out for an hour or so. After the first of the year, I can reassess the situation and see where we both are. I find that I'm future-tripping a lot right now as last Nov/Dec he took another turn for the worse as we spend a lot of time around his family, who are major triggers for us both. I think I need to find a way to limit that somehow, at least for me, to save my own sanity at least.

Thank you again so, so much for your responses! I know I have a lot to work on and being able to come to forums like these online is sometimes the only lifeline I feel I have!

witsend123 · Newbie

i am completely new at at this and unsure exactly how to start. i know my circumstances are not as bad as a lot of ppls but i have been stugguling with this for along time now.i woke up today and said to myself NO MORE.i find myself becoming withdrawn from friends and family because i dont want them to know how helpless i feel.i am normally a strong person but im feeling very overwhelmed as of late.like i read in others posts i feel like im the only one in my home trying to hold the home and marriage together.i never planned on beinng a single parent but i feel like i am. i feel so alone in this marriage that i dont feel married.i have come to admit to myself i cant fix him.i do however know i can fix me....its time for me to get on with that asap! i want desperately to prevent myself from becoming a cold uncaring person. i have two children that need a mother thats fun loving and happy.i do not want his drinking to control me as it controls him

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome witsend , Glad you shared and found us. Please search out alanon face to face meetings in yoru community and plan to attend. It is here i broke the terrible isolation caused by living with this dieaase, while I rebuilt my self esteem with new constuctvie tools ot live by.

Oh by the way Please keep coming back here as well. :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome witsend123 - so glad you found us and so glad you found the courage to share.

Betty has suggested looking for local Al-Anon meetings and going. I wish I had done what you are doing - reached out before I felt completely helpless, hopeless and numb. The only requirement for joining in Al-Anon is having concern and/or been affected by a family or friend's drinking.

Find meetings and attend with an open mind. Listen for similarities - if not in stories told, at least in emotions felt. It was the sharing of the personal feelings and thoughts that I found I was not alone and belonged with these folks.

If your in a town with limited Al-Anon choices, there are 2 meetings here each day. You can look to the top left for the meeting schedule as well as the meeting room/chat link.

So glad you joined us - keep coming back....we're just a post away!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I also welcome you Witsend123 and commend you for wanting to help
yourself!! Betty and IAM both recommended Al-anon f2f meetings,
and I agree. It is in those meetings that you will learn and acquire
the answers and peace you are looking for.
al-anon.org/local-meetings
Please keep coming back, because you are not alone.

-- Edited by Debb on Monday 19th of October 2015 06:43:04 PM

-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:50:28 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene