The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been dealing with a situation and would like some input, if you're up for it!
AH and I went to a sporting event out of town. AH got hammered and he is a very angry, obnoxious drunk but his behavior is mainly directed at me. Short story without going into too much detail was later in the evening AH flipped out on me (for an insanely ridiculous reason) and called me some terrible names, demanded a divorce, made a threatening comment, accused people in the hotel of sleeping with me (seriously - completely random people), demanded I let him into my car at which point he got his stuff including his bag with his handgun. I let him scream and yell at me without fighting back and he took off. There's more to the story but anyways, he apparently went back to the room, pulled out his gun and stuck it in his holster, and walked to a restaurant and that was the last I saw of him until the next morning. I could have called the police on him when he was in the parking lot, but it would not have done me any good really. All it would do is get him arrested, have him lose his job, cost us both tons of money, etc. Just no good from that. It's very possible he could have killed me right there if he wanted to, but somehow at this point I'm pretty okay with that prospect. I guess that speaks volumes.
He has yet to apologize or do anything at all except glare at me. The kicker? We work together and have to travel together this week. I am not talking to him, I would say because I am angry but truth is I am just tired of dealing with the fact that he won't apologize or own up to anything or try to make any changes. His behavior was as bad as I have ever seen it, and there just is no excuse. I make mistakes myself, so I know I need to improve but this... this was just the worst.
Do I just make plans for divorcing him? Or should I not take his drunken rant words seriously? Anyone else have this happen?
I do have a therapist which helps me but I have little to no family support or support from his friends so getting anyone to help me with him is not going to happen.
Thank you!
Edit: And to clarify, he did not threaten me with the gun, I just know he had it in the bag and that is what he wanted.
-- Edited by BuccaneerGirl on Tuesday 13th of October 2015 07:40:29 PM
Welcome to MIP BG - glad you found us and glad you are here.
I've not been any where close to your experience, but your personal safety must always come first. Whether he threatened you or not, the reality that you have this fear suggests to me that this is a volatile situation.
Al-Anon would certainly help you learn how to live with or without the disease or the diseased person. The program gives us tools to cope and asks us to look at ourselves and what we can control and/or change - ourselves.
One of the first lessons for me was the 3 C's - I didn't cause this, i can't control it and I can't cure it...
So sorry for the recent issues and for your pain and fear! Keep coming back and know that you are not alone!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome. Read what you wrote as if you weren't the author. Ive two impressions as I read, first is from the experienced perspective, which shades it with an emotionally involved logic, and it seems so surreal as to be almost unreal except you know it really did happen. You could brush it off. I bet he's a different guy sober, maybe doesn't even remember it. But. And this is a BIG but. An alcoholic can be a loaded gun. This situation could so easily have been a tragedy. I'm really grateful reading this that it wasn't. I also know how hard it is to be the wife and on the road and working together. Set some boundaries immediately would be my suggestion. Refusing to drink with him and refusing to be around him once he starts perhaps. The big questions like divorce, divorce takes time. I'm inclined to wonder about the here and now and keeping yourself safe. Maybe even the boundary suggestion isn't enough. I know you are working together, but no job is worth your life. I also know from drinking experience that the alcohol itself snaps me to a zone which doesn't change, allergy like. Like jeckyll and Hyde. I pick up where I left off once I'm passed a certain point, no matter how long I've been away. This too is an alcoholic trait. We say alcoholism is a disease. It never gets better, can only be arrested. That's a bit deeper down the road. For now, please keep yourself safe, and take your safety very seriously.
BG - Thanks for sharing your experience. Your personal safety must come first! In my experience, the A is an expert at the tirades and as things progress their accusations and comments become more and more absurd. Mine thinks I am sleeping with any man I come into contact with....LOL. Someone once told me that my A is not rational and that I could no longer engage in a productive conversation with him. This was difficult for me to accept. It took many times of trying and thinking the outcome would be different until I finally accepted this fact. I was then able to stop from engaging in these conversations. He would spew nastiness and I would not say a word. (This was VERY hard for me). I found that not engaging gave me great peace. It evolved into something that can now actually make me laugh (hard to believe I know). His world is insanity and I needed to pull myself out of it. In doing so, I have felt much peace. That does not mean everything is rosy, but it does help me in times of great crisis. Figure out what you are willing to accept - Today - and draw clear boundaries. For example - if he is drinking and has his gun, you will go somewhere else. Take care of you and please stay safe! ((Hugs))
BG welcome to MIP. Your shared experiences sound very familar, my AH did the same things to me. He would pick fights over things that were figments of his imagination (this is what alcoholism does by the way) and then threatens to take the house out of my name, take me off his insurance at work, etc. I would recommend that you find a face to face al-anon meeting in your area, it is there you will learn the tools and mediatations that will help you to understand what the alcoholic does to us and to overcome it's damage. http://al-anon.org/local-meetings I can say, since I have joined al-anon and this board, worked the steps and learned the thoughts, tools, prayers and sayings, I am in a much better place and I am still with my AH, only now he cannot affect me. Glad you found us and hope you keep coming back. You are not alone.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I'm glad you have found us. I agree that the most productive thing you could do in the short run is to find a good Al-Anon meeting. They are all different, so try several if the first one is not the right fit. Al-Anon provides us with tools to handle the insanity of alcoholism, so we can make wise decisions, protect ourselves, and regain our sanity. There isn't just a list of "rules," so it's not knowledge that can be absorbed overnight, but it's all there.
In my experience when we're with alcoholics, we worry that we're over-sensitive, whereas actually we've become so accustomed to the insanity that our perspective is distorted and we'll let things go that years ago would have had us on red alert. So we're actually under-sensitive. We almost come to think that insanity, chaos, bizarre thinking, and danger are normal. It sounds as if you've got some good awareness going about how he meant you to feel about the gun. The very worrying thing is that alcoholics are creatures of impulse, and if he had gotten a little more mad, or had a little more to drink, that might have been a tragedy. Also it suggests to me that his powers of reason are not in control at all. Accusing you of cheating like that is just insane. And using the gun as a threat like that is insane. Sadly, unless stopped by abstinence and recovery or death, the alcoholic keeps going downhill. It keeps getting worse, never better. This means that things like this will happen again, only they will get worse.
If a friend described to you that she was travelling with a co-worker, and the co-worker was an addict and started accusing her of nonsensical things, and getting a gun to carry around to frighten her, would you advise her to take another trip with that co-worker?
The fact that the threat is your husband does not mean it is less dangerous - in fact it is more dangerous - there is more emotion in the dynamic and more potential for tragedy.
Sadly, when women try to leave their potentially-dangerous husbands, that is when tragedy often strikes. Your H already believes that you're cheating with someone, and if you announce that you're leaving or you want a divorce, there's a good bet he's going to lose his cool about how you're cheating with some man and leaving him for this new guy. And you know he has a gun and he likes to scare you with it. That's potential for trouble you shouldn't take lightly.
If I were in that situation, I'd consult with a domestic violence shelter about how to plan to leave carefully, and get it all set up as they advise, and then when the time comes (it might be soon, it might be six months down the line or whatever - assuming there are no more guns or threats happening for the time being) - when the time comes, I'd set up a new place to live without telling him, and get the new bank account set up, and all of that, and then leave, taking your stuff that you'll need immediately, when he's out, and then inform him in some way where he can't get at you. I would take especially care not to be lured into being alone with him, or "just to talk," or to go back and get more stuff from your house, even with a friend. Because he sounds as if he's already a powder keg, and no matter what, he'll be going downhill. It is much better to be too safe than not safe enough
But meanwhile I hope you can find a good meeting, where all of these possibilities and decisions will soon become easier and clearer. I hope you'll keep coming back, too. Hugs.
-- Edited by Mattie on Wednesday 14th of October 2015 08:53:47 AM
I use to be a counselor in a large CA rehab and would encourage all of my clients to call their relationships "quits" when the threat of violence was present. I know that was a fearful suggestion always because of what they thought they would loose and then again I enforced that included in that list of thing I could loose was "my life". Protect your life first and sort the other stuff out later. He would be safer in custody than with you and so would you. Keep coming back and please take the other suggestions seriously also. (((((hugs)))))
Maybe because I live I a country where people are not allowed to freely arm themselves with guns I found your post highly disturbing in that your AH was wandering around highly intoxicated with a loaded weapon. I think those of us who live with addicts become desensitized to bad, scary, dangerous behaviour. We seem to over react to trivial things and under react to very serious life threatening situations. You mentioned that you could have called the police but then he would be arrested, lose his job, cost a lot of money etc etc, "Just no good from that". If your life was ended by him in a drunken rage there most certainly would be no good from that scenario what so ever. Please take care of yourself, keep safe and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from further harm.
