The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AD is in a down ward spiral again. Another job loss which came as no surprise. I am trying to reframe it in my mind as one step closer to her bottom. I don't know. I do know I am struggling a lot today. Her solution is to relocate again with a "fresh" start. I believe where ever you go there you are. You have to deal with your addiction and then if relocation is what you need and want then I can understand how relocation could be helpful. I don't think any help to relocate away from "Bad" influences is in fact any help at all at this point. I am encouraging her to get either in patient or out patient help which we would pay for but she has to take the first step. She has stated she does not want in patient treatment again but is willing to change? ok what are you willing to do then? I have told her we do not support running away from your problems. I wont pay her rent again (unless she was in treatment) , I wont give her any money. She hasn't asked but I guess I am just projecting as to what is coming. Any thoughts ESH on this is most welcome. Am I on the right track or completely bonkers. I am trying to sit tight and do nothing.
I just wanted to send some love and support I can't imagine how difficult this is for you at the moment. Sometimes the best course of action is to hurry up and do nothing, it's hard when I know for me I'm in a place of fixing.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you SerenityRUS. Yes I am feeling a little numb to it all at the moment. The tears are just below the surface but I have spent a lot of the last couple of years crying, not sleeping, pleading, of course to no avail. I have given her numbers and encouragement and of course a ton of I love you. My insides are churning but I know I have to hand it all over to her hp. I am very afraid.
And of course I am second guessing myself too. I think about a couple of friends kids that had to move away to get away from the drug crowd they were in and are now doing well. Of course I do not know the details of it all. I guess I just feel torn in between kicking a person when they are down by not offering assistance with relocation but then the other part of me feels like it is just putting a bandaid on a festering wound. I have always kinda believed a person would get sober and clean when they are ready no matter where they are planted. In fact I have seen it happen. Am I wrong? Would love to hear from some of the doubles and other parents on here as to their experiences.
I don't blame you .. it is scary .. sometimes the answers from HP are not easy and not what I thought I wanted to hear .. in the long run things really are better .. I also had to recognize that the other person in the situation has free will to choose and have consequences of those choices as well. So until they get sick and tired of being sick and tired nothing will change. I don't believe that anyone's HP wants them to suffer long term or make rash decisions. The fall back I come to is free will .. the door can be open unless I choose to walk through I may as well stand and scream at the open door not moving. I remember stating that my ex was literally digging his own grave and screaming at the shovel as he dug. I don't think he really wanted to do the things he did .. I honestly believe he thought he had no other choice. Which is sad.
Anyway, if what you need to hear is that you are doing the right thing .. you are.
I had an interesting lesson this week .. I'm proud of you and I know you can do this are two powerful statements to say to children as a parent. I think it's even more powerful than I love you .. because that is a very overused statement. I had the epiphany that after hearing my sponsor say that to me and I burst into tears. When was the last time that I said that to my kids? My kids are 11 and 16, I think it had been a while. So I made a point of telling them that over the weekend. I was very specific in what I acknowledged them for .. blanket statements are for the birds .. lol. It's like an amends. Anyone can say I'm sorry .. I'm sorry for .. without the but two totally different things.
For me I saw immediately the look on their individual faces as we talked about things. Recovery is not easy business.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
thank you again serenity. I have said I know you can do this and in fact said it today by text as that is my only means of communication with her at this moment. I have not said I am proud for a long time..... because frankly I have not felt very proud for a long time. It hurts to say those words out loud but it is the truth. I need to work on that one.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Tuesday 13th of October 2015 10:27:31 PM
Serenity - so sorry that you are again filled with fear and sadness about your child. I can relate and it's so, so hard when it's your offspring. Yet, for your own peace of mind and sanity, working with a sponsor on the program and steps right now would be so helpful. It took me a while to set boundaries that I can live with, communicate easily and enforce as necessary.
Only you can decide what your boundaries are. It's so much harder to figure them out and to set them when there is turmoil with this disease. I do agree that a geographic move is not the answer. I also can share that asking them or making attending in-patient/out-patient treatment before you'll support did not work for us. I have taken 2 boys of mine to treatment 5-6 times each and one is still active and the other was sober, relapsed and is now back in the program.
Mine would say what I wanted to here, commit to what I wanted them to do and then not be successful as they were just not yet ready. I've had no choice but to hand them over to HP (God) and pray that his will keeps them safe.
(((Hugs))) to you - you aren't alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iam here for responding. Right now I just feel like dong nothing except handing it all to her hp and asking for help from mine is all I can and should do. I sense that something is about to change but I do not know what. I know that she knows she is in trouble and over her head. I also accept that nothing is going to work until she is ready and I am a huge believer that when you are ready to get sober you will. Nothing will stop you from that pursuit. I guess I believe it because I have seen it happen a couple of times. I do not know what flips the switch but it does happen. I know I need to get the heck out of the way. I am struggling to figure out what my boundaries will be when and if she decides to recover. its so hard to not I able to take for granted helping your child when they are an addict.. Little things that other parents can do for their kids can create quite the opposite effect in addicted children. I have decided that should she decide to get treatment and I do mean she decides then I would look after her few bills while she is gone. honestly I would do it for anyone I knew whom was trying to turn their life around. I see it as a hand up not a hand out. If she chooses otherwise for herself, I accept that to.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Tuesday 13th of October 2015 10:43:50 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Tuesday 13th of October 2015 10:56:49 PM
I am sending understanding serenity47. You really aren't alone. The churning inside and the worry and the disappointment are just hard. I, like you, am struggling to figure out what boundaries to set for our adult child who still lives at home. I wonder if anyone reading these posts could share what boundaries they have set in their homes for adult children. I realize we all have to create our own, but it would be helpful for me to hear what has worked for others. Good luck serenity.
thank you optimist. this is a club that I none of us ever really wanted to be a member of but here we are. I do know it was even bigger disaster when she lived in our home. constant stress, battles, control etc etc. It is tiresome to say the least and she is only 19. For me I simply cannot have her here at home when she is drinking or doing any kind of drugs. It stresses me and I go ballistic and I must say for the most part she stayed away when that occurred. I guess that was my hp protecting me.
Serenity- our son moved out for a while and I did finally get some sleep at nights! Since then, he has completed rehab for fentanyl and moved back home to get his life back on track. He did really well for many months. He is now replacing that drug with another- alcohol. It's just starting to spiral and my old sleepless nights and anxiety and worry are finding their way back. So scary to have them living away, though, because that seems even more dangerous. I don't know. I never feel like I know what I'm doing. Hope and hopelessness are just always minutes away from each other it seems. And, yes, this was a club none of us ever wanted to be in!
Serenity47, I am truly sorry that you are going through this difficult time, Al-anon meetings are the best way to learn to cope and find the answers. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
