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Wondering if anyone has experience to share about breathalyzers installed in cars, especially in a preventative way (not ordered by the court)?
Trying to figure out if it is realistic to insist my AH have one installed in his car. He has driven with the kids, and I don't want to play policeman.
Right now we have a "deal' worked out, where I can ask him to take a breathalyzer test (with a portable breathalyzer) any time I don't feel comfortable. That hasn't gone so well for a few reasons - I have to think fast, and usually there is already crazy behavior I'm trying to deal with. I haven't also been able to think fast enough on my feet to say, "wait, come back and take a breathalyzer". Plus there are times he has refused, or it just feels too dicey to ask him.
Any other suggestions welcomed. I am working so hard to embrace the idea that I cannot control this - but when it comes to my most precious children's safety in a moving vehicle - I have to do whatever I realistically can.
I totally understand where you are at when there are kids involved. Instead of trying to police him can you find alternative transportation for your children? When my husband was at his worst I had to tell our babysitter that under no circumstances was he to have the kids in the car driving around with them. Unfortunately, alcholics are very cunning and even if you did have a breathalizer put into the car he may be able to find away around it.
I have no experience with these things as a preventive measure.....however, Jazzie raises a good point - ways around it. I've had two cousins who had these court ordered, and they were able to figure out ways to bypass the machine when they wanted/needed to. This has been a while ago, so ... perhaps they've gotten wiser to the tricks people use.
Hopefully others with more experience in this will help with input. I totally understand your concern and it's valid in my opinion. This was one item I had to consider when I explored my options a long while back as far as should I stay or should I go....
(((Hugs))) - answers will come!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well, my XAH had one for 2 years but it was court ordered and it's not that easy to get around them unless you have a friend blow in it for you. He even tried to start it himself twice thinking he was sober and he blew a .15 BAC. The courts made him keep the breathalyzer on for an extra 6 months even when he tried to blame ME for blowing into it and trying to prove that he wasn't the one who tried to start the car. I think the courts and MVD's around the country have wised up quite a bit.
Now, if you are trying to protect your children and it's not court ordered, that's a different story. If he agrees to the interlock, then maybe it is a good idea but your AH would have to be on board. And, if he's not OK with the idea, then finding alternative means of transportation for your children is a MUST. My teenage son now uses Uber when he has to get a ride and his dad lets him down. Last week, my XAH was hung over and forgot to pick our son up to take him to math tutoring so my son called me at work and told me, "Hey mom, dad's out of commission so I'm going to call Uber for a ride. Just wanted to let you know." And, yes, it works and yes, he feels safe....but he's also 16.
Hugs to you, because I understand. I've been there so much myself in the past.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
the breathalizer is a good idea because it prevents my husband from driving and it goes off every 10 mins during his trip to check him. in my case, it stops him from driving drunk but not from driving stupid. He may not have drunk in a few days but his brain doesnt work right and he takes it in his head to go for ciggies and booze
When you have an active alcoholic, I think the only real choice is to treat it as is he's not there or could never drive or has a disability that keeps him from driving. And just not let the kids in a car with him.
My ex-AH had a court-ordered breathalyzer on his car for a year. Some things I know are:
Sometimes he will be able to get the car going, but by the time he's ready to come back, he won't be able to start it up again. So what happens if he takes your kids to the store, and then they're there in the parking lot ready to come home, and the car refuses to start? (Because he's been secretly drinking while he's there.) You'll have to go pick them all up, etc. Because even if you were fine leaving him stranded, you can't leave your kids stranded.
They get other people to blow into it for them. Including the kids. "Shh, don't tell!" A bad position to put a kid in. And then they're driving drunk with the kid again.
Being the policeman on your spouse is weird. My AH would act drunk and I would say, "I don't want to deal with you in this condition" and try to disengage and he'd be all saying, "Breathalyze me! Breathalyze me and you'll see I'm not drunk! You keep the thing and you can test me whenever you want!" Ew, no. I don't want to be his parole officer or law enforcement officer or supervisor. I want him to act like an adult without my having to be the big boss. I never agreed to test him, but if I had, for absolute certain it would have come up that he was drunk on many occasions, and then I can just imagine the arguments, which did come up in other situations: "That's just crazy! I'm not drinking! I can't believe they'd make machines that get it wrong so much of the time! That should be illegal! It probably is illegal! I am the victim here!" Etc. etc. I so did not want to get into this craziness.
Thanks for your replies. I really wish I could find them alternate rides, but... we live in a rural area. No uber. No taxis. No buses. No trains or subways. And, all our neighbors with kids w/ same activities have moved away. :(
Right now, he is living in our house, which is at the end of the road up a big hill outside of town. I am living in town. Kids are with him at least half time. The kids are dependent on him, mainly just to drive between the house and town, but sometimes he takes them places. He also does his sneaky drinking by driving to the liquor store drive-up window, drinking a whole small bottle of vodka and throwing it away while still in the car.
He did suggest and accept a handheld breathalyzer. But it's always on me to ask him to do it. I suggested one in the car before, but he has a new job with clients he drives to, and kid carpool, so he is image conscious and leery. Sigh. I am writing him a letter right now with a few things I request of him, if he wants to stay in a marriage. (He says he does.) This. An appt with a psychiatrist. Support for our kids to get counseling. I realize I can't make him do these things, but it's time I share my bottom line of what I am willing to accept or not.
I feel your pain. My XAH almost killed my youngest son driving drunk with him in the car. That was a last straw for me and the day after the incident, he moved out. That was almost 3 years ago. At the time he left, I set very clear boundaries. Unless he got into a program and had some recovery under his belt, the kids would not get in a car with him. Secondly, he would have to breathalyze before and at the end of any visits where the kids were alone with him. This proved very helpful because there have been times where he seemed fine (no slurring words, staggering etc) but blew a high positive on the breathalyzer. In those instances, he lost his visit with the kids. He then realized that I meant business and chose to have very limited visits with the kids (generally 2x a month). The positive readings generally subsided. This made my life a little harder since I had to do all of the driving, but I found that friends were very helpful with car-pooling when I needed help. It also gave me peace of mind. Safety was paramount in my mind.
Fast forward to now and we just got a court ordered visitation agreement in place. He will now have some overnight visits. I put the following provisions in it. The breathalyzer requirement continues and he had to install an interlock device on his car. The interlock is no joke. He must blow into it to start the car. After 2 mins he must test again. Once driving, it randomly tests him every 5-30 mins. I receive a monthly report from the company that shows if the device has been disabled or has had any positive readings. If that happens, I have a right to change his visitation privileges. I felt this was the only way to give him a chance to be successful but still keeping my kids safe. I do not have to worry about his condition. It is very black and white.
Every state is different with their laws, but drunk driving is illegal everywhere. It may be helpful to talk to a lawyer. I recommend that you set clear boundaries that work for you. Stick to them and he will be accountable. Good luck and hugs to you!
