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Hi all, I'm new and I have a question about protecting the Anonymity of the Alcoholic. I have recently joined Al-Anon, and feel that I have arrived at a place where I feel it is helpful to share my personal journey with a few close friends, to allow them to support me and to break out of my own cycle of denial.
But here is where I get confused about the anonymity of my partner ~ who is a recovering alcoholic and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. We have been in a relationship for over a decade, so telling a friend that I am in Al-Anon almost automatically identifies the alcoholic in my life.
I want to give him space to share with others when he feels ready, but I can't find a way to find my own personal support and find my own way to healing without revealing some of what is happening with him.
Are you worried that someone will suspect who your alcoholic is? I wouldn't be. We are strongly in agreement it's nobody's business. I don't know who the alcoholic is or who the alcoholics are for the people in my meetings. It can be any of their grandparents, a parent, a mate, an ex-mate, a child or grandchild, etc. Take your pick.
The effects of living with the disease are generational. We pick up coping techniques that didn't work well to begin with, then pass them down through the generations and grasp them despite their ineffectiveness. It is here we learn to live in a manner that allows us to be free, regardless of the other person's actions.
i recommend attending meetings for yourself. You won't be asked to identify whose behavior bothers you. You will focus on yourself.
Al-anon is for those of us who are dealing with any family relation who has a drinking or drug addiction. Those members of your group really should make the assumption that the 'A' in your life is your husband. Hope that helps and welcome to MIP! Also, congratulations to you for joining a group and seeking the clarity and understanding that you need to break that cycle of denial!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
People are in Al-Anon because of their mother, their father, their partner, their sister, their brother, their grandparent, their friend... No one outside could guess who your qualifier is.
That said, we are often used to feeling as if alcoholism is shameful and also as if "It's not so bad as long as I don't have to admit it" - and buying into the denial of the alcoholic. Like we have to put this "Everything's fine! Everything's completely normal!" face on everything. Sometimes admitting what is really up is a huge relief and often a door to closer relationships with people. After I began telling people what was up with my alcoholic, they felt free to tell me about the alcoholics in their lives, and I found that more than half the people I told also had experience with an alcoholic. Their ex or their current partner, their parent, their sibling... It's everywhere and that would be more apparent if more people mentioned it. So if and when the time is right, you could consider just being straightforward about it. Alcoholism may seem like your partner's story to tell, but your experience of it is also your story to tell. If and when the time is right.
I do not share about Al-Anon beyond the rooms of Al-Anon....that's how I protect the anonymity of those who are also in recovery. I do not share about AA and Alcoholics beyond the rooms of AA. There is a delineation for a reason and they are both anonymous for a reason.
I can gain support through the program(s) and contend that my relationships outside of the program are just that - outside of the rooms. I've been around recovery for 28 years and that's the way we do it in my area. When the boundaries get muddied, there tends to be more chaos/drama. My recovery is my recovery within the rooms. It's lovely to practice these principals in all our affairs, but what is the motive of sharing beyond the program? The only time I ever felt I needed/wanted to share beyond 12 Step work was as an excuse or as a 'trophy decision' - neither of which is the right motive for discussing the program beyond the rooms.
If someone talks to me about an alcoholic in their lives, by all means, I do suggest Al-Anon. If they seem interested, I'll offer to take them and share more, including protecting my anonymity. This is because the traditions ask us to be cautious about publicity and I don't want another to shout from the roof-tops my story. It's mine to share when I choose with whom I choose. I feel that way about my qualifiers also - their story is their's....just because it intersects doesn't make it proper for me to disclose pieces of theirs.
Just my two cents - take what you like and leave the rest!
BTW - welcome to MIP - so glad you are here and glad you asked!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think that it is important for you to get the help and support that you feel that you need. It may benefit everyone in your family if you give your own well being priority from time to time and breaking out of that denial has helped me enormously.
For me respecting other people includes recognition that what they tell me about their lives is theirs to tell and it is not for me to repeat or to judge them. I trust that disclosures made in the rooms of Alanon will stay in the rooms.
My own logic is that there is something going on in my life that I struggle to cope with, that is a fact. There are people out there who have experience of my situation and who may be able to help me find better ways of coping. What they think of me or of my family, the judgements they might make as a result of my reaching out, these are risks that have been worth taking in my own experience. I've found that others who understand the struggles of loving an alcoholic have tremendous compassion and respect for each other.
To me, this is taking from another person what isn't mine to take... their right to privacy. It's suggested in the Alanon program that we keep coming back to meetings to share our "experience, strength and hope." Meetings are an ideal place to share your feelings and to be understood, not judged and not given advice as to how to live or not live with an alcoholic.
For me, there was a tendency before joining others in working the Alanon program, to feel self conscious about how I presented myself in the company of family (I had no friends then) because of what was going on in my marriage. I was concerned that they might think my behavior was odd because truthfully it felt odd to me. I wanted to explain that it was due to the fact that my husband "drank too much." I did just that and basically, used him as justification for my own awkwardness around people and the choices I made. It was as if I was waiting for others to to say "Oh... that explains it!" I thought this would vindicate me and show others that I was a victim in the situation, an innocent, the good wife who had this cross to bear.
This didn't change when my now exah went into rehab which included working the AA program and I was a newcomer to Alanon. It wasn't as if we all of a sudden got the program and worked it just because we sat in seats in meetings. I talked about him a lot in Alanon meetings that we're meant for me and my own recovery. This is what newcomers do. It was all I had when I got here. I had a story, an experience and no program. Finding a sponsor in Alanon to share intimate details and working the steps with a sponsor helped me to confining my sharing to the topics in Alanon meetings as to how they related to me personally. I also learned by keeping one coming back how gossip which includes breaching another's anonymity can be detrimental to another person's life and well-being. In Alanon we say "Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here." I've also heard it said in Open AA meetings I've attended.
It isn't my job to decide who is a safe person to tell who in my life has declared themself an alcoholic nor to make a guess about who is maybe an alcoholic and spread the word to others. That choice belongs to that person. I am affected by alcoholism - the illness. I'm not an alcoholic but alcoholism has touched my life. I am comfortable saying that to others.
Once I name the person who has the disease of alcoholism, I've taken the person's right to privacy. For me.. as far as how I work Alanon, that's a form of theft, taking what doesn't belong to me. Unfortunately, it's not something that can be returned to the person once stolen. Some examples of fallout from this can be that when we do this, we never know who knows who and how far that information can be spread. Sometimes as a result of this breach, alcoholics can lose jobs, opportunities, relationships and even their lives.
I'm glad you joined us here at MIP and I hope you'll keep coming back for recovery with us. We work it one day at a time in Alanon. I work it imperfectly and continue to be teachable. My higher power thinks that's OK. I'm no less lovable for my mistakes. We care about each other here and share our experience, our strength and our hope based on what we've learned attending meetings, listening with an open mind to others in the program and our higher power's guidance and then making decisions and choices that our best for ourselves.
We say, "Take what you liked and leave the rest." My experience is just that. Welcome! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 13th of October 2015 09:35:38 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 13th of October 2015 09:43:50 AM
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