The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm grateful to have found this site as I wasn't sure where to turn. After a lifetime of bad decisions, embarrassing incidents and too many blackout nights, I decided to stop drinking. This was 2.5 years ago. I didn't leverage any program or rehab, I just decided it was time to stop and thankfully, found the strength to do so. The problem I'm facing now is that when I quit, my wife didn't. While I didn't expect her to, I am finding it more and more difficult to connect with her because of her drinking and that is causing a lot of problems in our marriage. When she finishes a bottle of wine (or more) or has 3 or 4 martinis, I can literally feel myself shutting down. The topics she will go to when she is in this state are almost always negative and often involve dredging up the past and all who have wronged her (myself included). It's the same scenario every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night... when I've tried to discuss it, she is quick to point out that it is me with the problem with alcohol and not her. She admits that she's drinking more lately because she is sad that we are so distant from each other but doesn't / won't see that the drinking is causing the distance. This has led her to seek attention outside of our marriage in a few different ways and when I found out and confronted her, she told me that it was my fault she did what she did because she was alone, felt lonely and wanted attention; wanted to feel wanted. I've disconnected physically and emotionally due to all of this and am not sure how to rebuild.. how to fix this.
I've asked her to come to marriage counseling with me and finally got her to agree but she is fundamentally against it and said that even though she is going, it is a colossal waste of time.
Not sure what to do now and am hoping to hear from you amazing people. Thank you so much for taking the time.
Welcome I am running late and cannot take the time to properly respond. Glad you found us You are not alone and there is hope Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities will be a great asset to your own well being.
Keep coming back and stay tuned for mote important responses.
Thank you! Unfortunately, there are not a lot of local meetings available to me but I am going to continue to look until I find one that works for my schedule.
Welcome to MIP Mericose, glad you found us and shared your concerns. Betty recommended Al-anon and so do I ... http://al-anon.org/local-meetings it is in Al-anon that you will find the answers that you seek. Very sorry to hear that you and your AW are having difficulties. You are not alone.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome to Miracles inProgress. While you are seeking in person meetings for yourself, you may find the online meetings here useful. You can find a link to them in the yellow box at the top of the page. At meetings, you can also learn about our literature to help us cope with living with this disease. This has definitely helped me go from not knowing how to handle my life to serenity. I wish you the same.
You can definitely benefit from meetings here, and you can also benefit just from reading past posts here, and participating going forward. I look forward to hearing from you more, you will discover more and more that you are not alone.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share!
I am a double-winner - what that means is that I belong to both sides of this program, AA & Al-Anon. I put down the bottle 28 years ago as well as any other mind-altering substances. I chose to do it with the fellowship of AA as it's nice to have the support of others who have similar experiences/difficulties as I.
I met and married another recovering Alcoholic. He decided to relapse between the birth of our two sons, who are now 23 & 21. So, the man I met, fell in love with and married is way different than the man I am married to and live with today.
The disease is progressive and sneaky. It also affects the mind, body, soul and spirit. Removing the substance for many is one great first step. Changing the 'isms' - thoughts, actions, mind-processing, distortions, etc. is another. The disease sucks the life out of the diseased and those around - that's how subtle and expansive it is.
I found my way to Al-Anon when my oldest son became addicted to heroin at the age of 16. I was devastated - the boy I loved who had a heart of gold was replaced by a druggie who would steal from anyone to get 'high'.....5 treatment centers later, he found recovery - stayed sober for almost 5 years. However, he turned legal 21 during his recovery and decided that maybe he could just drink. That did not work well and he's back in recovery - 90 days clean/sober.
In spite of his path, the pain, chaos, drama and all, my 2nd son followed the exact same path. He thought he was smarter, wiser and could experiment with mind altering substances and not 'have a problem'. Needless to say, he too became addicted to heroin by age 18. He has been to jail, prison, 5 treatment centers - yet is still active in his disease thinking he's now found the 'cure' - marijuana maintenance.
So, that's a bit of my story and experience as to how I landed in Al-Anon. Here's why I stay -
There is nobody in my family or circle of friends who understands what it is like to live with alcoholics/addicts like those who also experience it.
I've been taught in Al-Anon how to accept people as they are and live my life with peace, joy, serenity and hope.
I've learned that I did not cause it (much to their dismay), I can't cure it nor can I control it (the 3 C's of Al-Anon).
I've got a network of support better than anything else (we went to marriage counseling, family counseling, Substance Abuse counseling, and another one/two) who understands me when I am sad, mad, crazy, confused, etc.
I've learned how to detach with love and how to set boundaries to protect my emotional state and my future.
The blessings I've gotten from this program are endless. Al-Anon uses the same 12 Steps as AA, with a personal twist. You can see the meeting schedule up at the top, left side. There is also a link to the meeting/chat room below it. To the top right, you can find the 12 Steps as well as another board where we are doing the 12 Steps under hotrod's leadership.
So - my best suggestion is to work on you. Get yourself mentally centered and then make decisions that are with you in mind. Not her, not 'us' - just you! It is after all a personal journey and one I am grateful I chose to take!
Keep coming back - HTH!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere - Thank you for sharing your story. You are an incredibly brave individual who has done what was needed to get you to a better place. I hope I have the same strength. I don't know if I can stay in this relationship and that is crushing me. I've just found a meeting near my home and will be attending this week.
Yay - the meeting/fellowship will become an extension of your thinking/actions. It has for me. Go with an open mind and look for the similarities instead of the differences! Let us know how it goes and keep hanging around here....I learn something new every day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm already getting resistance for saying I was going to the meetings. "So you're going to go to meetings all the time? What about your family? you are so selfish!" that kind of thing. I am not allowing anything to impede my pursuit of wellness. Thank you for supporting me :o)
My response to such unreasonable exclamations were:" I am going to meetings so that I can grow into the person I can be. "
Good luck -- Keep coming back
I'm somewhat amazed by the resistance I receive when I say I'm going to a meeting. Does she really not want me to stay sober or is she just afraid that I will leave her when I get my head sorted out? I'm guessing its the latter.
mericose - I agree with Betty - the meeting is not about anything but you and who you want to be. It's not about the wife, the family, the neighbors; it's about you!! I tend to just share that I'm going out for a while and will be back. If asked, my standard response used to be, "Mental Health Break".....nobody asks me any longer.
If your offspring are teen-agers, they may benefit from AlaTeen - just saying.....recovery is for all who live with/love an alcoholic!!
(((hugs))) - resist the desire to argue......just do what you need to do for you - you are allowed to walk away instead of discuss/argue.....another lesson learned in Al-Anon....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks again for everyone taking the time to reply. The whole situation is just so complex and feels overwhelming. Last night, she and I were about to sit down to watch TV together and she said, "Just so you know, I'm just going to have one small glass of wine tonight, ok?" I'm not sure if she is asking me to be her watchdog or why she said that. Then this morning we got into another argument.. I'm just tired of the constant tension as I am sure she is.. but I'm going to a meeting tonight and hope to find some perspective / solace there.
Let us know how the meeting goes! It's a new day and you've found a new way......that's what I remind myself each morning....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The resistance is the presence of fear. My wife knew she had a problem and how bad it was yet the disease works often with denial because the truth is threatening. The thought of anyone else finding out that she had a problem deeply bother my own alcoholic/addict wife even more than he own self awareness. She had hope that the problem would cure itself without major work for sobriety and when I went to find my own healing she felt the entire world now knew. She was protective of her false self image and would not be able to be wise to it until she could drink and live any longer and went to AA. I also stopped drinking on my own and later came to realize that there was a much greater/higher power urging me into it than I could imagine. On several occasions I drank into toxic shock, a near fatal condition and my wife was chasing my drinking wanting to drink like me. Women are not built to take the same kind of drinking as men are...we are built different. Had my wife succeeded toward reaching the consumption I normally had she would cease to be alive. Today she is not my wife and she is sober and clean...thank you God and AA. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I agree with Jerry. Any change to anyone can induce fear, but change to an alcoholic, especially change where they can't exert control over the change, the message of the change, etc, induces even more fear.
this one's about you, not about the drama surrounding the alcoholism. The first few meetings will likely be about that drama, because you have a lot of things to get off your chest, and typically as soon as someone finds a comfortable place to share then the withheld feelings start pouring out, and most of them will be about her. Once I got over that, I was amazed to see myself growing in ways I couldn't imagine, because I started thinking about me instead of everything else I could think of to not think about me!
