The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, I am going crazy. It seems the only way to not be crazy is to leave the Alcoholic, but I am not able to have this wonderful dream so I must deal with being crazy. I pretend that I have a wonderful marriage and three well-behaved kids but this is only a dream. I find myself yelling at the kids because I can't even yell at the AH. The kids treat me like the AH and they ignore me and do what they want. I even pick up their coat on the floor is WWII. Yes everyone wants control in an unmanageable environment. It is impossible to raise kids with an addict. All I am doing is making sure I give 3 more addicts to the society to perpetuate the continuation of a successful alcoholic and addict society. Too bad the only normal person is now the crazy one and the craziest are the new normal.
If I am not crazy then I must be angry. At least, I am allowed to have two different emotional states.
Obviously not being able to have freedom of having to be myself has formed a new me that can't handle anything anymore. Yes, I am beaten up and smashed. You say you can control another person then how come the alcoholic gets to control 42 people lives.
I listen to an alnon speaker this morning and she said she got breast cancer from living in a stressful life.
Yes I am mad because they get away with everything, DUI, being senator, judge, or a teacher. Yes they really do get to live their lives and create chaos and nobody stops them.
In the news, you hear about kids shooting and killing people. They always say mental illness. Are they sure it is not due to living with addicts and alcoholics that made them crazy in the first place.
It is pretty sad that the circle of dance of having raging alcoholic have been with us since the ice age. Nothing changes.. It is here to stay.
We allow addicts to stay that way. Keep inflicting harm to other people because we all just stand back and watch it happen because we can't control another person. We just sit and watch them hurt others.
Pretty bleak world we live in.
I go to alnon but it is hard to live two lives. To pretend that the alcoholic is not really an alcoholic because we can't change someone awful behavior in fact we allow pretty much everything in this world. Bravo to bad behavior. It is totally accepted out there. Cuz we can't change them. There is really no protection out there.
Yes, it is a pretty bleak morning, but I will change my attitude and go into the leave it to Beaver mode and let go and let God take my mind and soul. Back to pretend nothing happens, shut my mouth, and I don't exist.But someday, I will snap just like everyone else who raises their hand and say I have had enough. But yet I am not crazy enough yet.
Thanks for listening.... somebody out in this world understands... and I wish I was the lucky one who gets to leave the alcoholic. Nope, I just have to figure out how to live in this crazy life or go crazy.
(((jPEBBLES)) i can so identify and do understand . Alanon did help me to stop pretending, get honest first with HP then with myself, and finally with others, Denial and pretend are old tools that do not work.
Being honest, open and willing helped me to stay in my marriage, say what I mean. mean what i say and not say it mean. I found when I accepted that this dreadful disease is a disease over which we are powerless, I turned my attention to what I could control, myself, my happiness and life. It worked
Please keep attending meetings and working the steps it works
{{JP}} Welcome to MIP and thanks for sharing! All I can say is to continue to work the Al-anon program and go to your f2f meetings. We all have, initially, bouts of protest and resentment. I found that I did myself no favors by fighting the program or carrying resentment. Resentment is just hatred turned back on ourselves and serves no purpose but to block my recovery. We are as sick as the alcoholic and once we admit and work on our own recovery it will never change. We learn to detach, without resentment because to do that gives us the freedom to be happy. You are not alone, one step at a time ... please keep coming back!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
jpebbles - Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share.
We who live with or love alcoholics are handed a messy world. I can relate to everything you've typed and was there at one point. Before this program, I felt like I would take 2 steps forward and then get knocked 1/2 block backwards.
I don't feel that way any longer. The only changes I've made which have contributed to my changing outlook is embracing the Al-Anon program and the tools suggested.
Please be gentle with yourself and do something special just for you today. Maybe find and attend a meeting, maybe take a walk, maybe take a bubble bath - something gentle and just for you.
It is only through self-examination that I found a path to peace and serenity. I'm not always 'there' but more so than ever before while living with this disease!
Keep coming back and here's more (((Hugs))) for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I do understand jpepples and I send you many ((((hugs)))). I will say that I still have my bouts of crazy and I definitely hate my AH a lot but since working the program it has gotten extremely better. Keep working it and it will work.
I completely understand your anger and frustration. In my case I also noticed that by remaining unexpressed my negative feelings were contributing to what I came to recognise as depression and despair. I even became fearful that I was on the trail to becoming a resentful old lady if I didn't learn to take care of myself! (Something that is a million miles away from where I thought I'd be ten years ago). So I resolved that I would not bottle my emotions up any more. That didn't mean that I thought it was ok to completely loose my temper or to carry through on some of my darkest thoughts and fantasies, but when my AH did something that I disagreed with I simply said 'I can't support that action' or words to that effect. It was water off a ducks back to him of course, but it was a huge help to me since those words helped me to feel as though I was being honest, standing true and taking care of myself.
When my husband was mean to me I would go and do something that gave me enough joy and pleasure to counteract the hurt. Incredibly it reached a point where his nasty comments made me smile inside as I was no longer listening to what he was saying but simply thinking about the fun that I was going to gift myself! It was quite soon after that that he stopped trying to insult me - I like to think that he saw how much fun I was having!!
They say that if you want to find the alcoholic at a party, just look for the crazy spouse! That little story helped me to recognise that how I was feeling was perfectly normal. Learning to trust myself to take care of me was helpful as well. I still live with my husband. I do not pretend that all is rosy in our marriage, I am honest about the illness that had him in its grip and I try to be respectful of his right to make his own choices. It is sad. It is real. To me it is ugly. So I prefer keep my attention on things and people that I like. Every evening I think of the three best things in my day. It doesn't really matter if it was a good day or a bad day, some things are always better than others, and sometimes it is surprising how nice the best things are.
As I read your message I felt sad that you were having to fight these battles but I also felt a small celebration that you were expressing how you felt. Keep on doing it. Being able to speak our truth is so important and sometimes our truth becomes something that we are actually proud to be talking about.
Sending hugs and take care of you. (((((Hugs))))))
