The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so grateful for this program because without it, the events over the past year would have destroyed me. Instead I am able to keep things in perspective and keep my focus where it needs to be. I am often amazed at how my higher power works and how things are revealed to me. However, the facts about my XAH are becoming quite grave and I am trying to wrap my head around it.
The facts are that he is still actively drinking and this disease is really taking a toll on his health. His weight has dropped from around 185 to 135 over the past year. Over the last 6 months he has been to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain which ended up with surgery to remove his gall bladder. A separate ambulance call and emergency room visit for a seizure at work. A week ago, he went to the hospital due to severe abdominal pain and was admitted for several days. He then checked himself out against medical orders. There have been other smaller issues too.
The writing on the wall says to me that this disease is going to kill him. Writing those words is very difficult. There is not a darn thing that I can do to stop the progression and I have to just go about my life and wait for the next thing to happen. I am scared for him and for my kids. I wish I knew more about the medical symptoms. Is he close to dying or is this going to be the "norm" for years to come? I want to better understand what is ahead so that I can be prepared and so I can best parent my kids.
I am really looking to hear what others have experienced so that I can determine if I am overreacting or if I need to start preparing for the worst. Thanks for listening. Sorry if this is a downer.
The only experience I have is with open direct communications with the family irrespective of how the alcoholic/addict reacts. You can use the help of a physician in the process however doing it is honest and courageous. It would be good for him to hear the voices of others along with yours and his own. He knows and knows that he knows...denial is strong. Let us know what you attempt. God bless. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks Jerry. He definitely knows the writing is on the wall. His friends have told him he'll be dead in 6 Mos if he doesn't stop drinking. I am sure the doctors have given warnings as well. Since we are divorced, our family doctor probably won't share much. Plus I feel that is not staying on my side of the street. I also have a protective order in place so XAH and I only communicate through a 3rd party. So sad. I have to sit and wait and see this play out. That is why I was hoping someone here has some experience to share. I am scared. Thanks for the support.
My AH is still mine and still active - sneaker drinker.....he thinks others don't know. Having said that, he kept his job until he recently retired and does not drink around me. I assume the same for my boys, but do not honestly know as they are now out on their own. It's possible he's been with them and I not know - he truly does his own thing and shares what he wants. This program has taught me to stay on my side of the street, as you referenced.
What I can share is when my husband relapsed (we were both sober when we met and married), he kept it hidden reasonably well. I confronted him several times (before program & without proof) and he lied. I finally caught him in the act and he could not deny any longer. By this time, my kids were around 8 & 10 (give/take).
While I don't understand how the mind of a child, I now (hindsight) know they were smarter than I realized. My AH was definitely different, and I was too - but I thought I kept them protected. I was wrong. They were aware of a huge dysfunction in the family - they just didn't know why/how/etc. I wish (again, hindsight) I had sat them down and found some words to explain something. I did not do my part in all that, and wish I had. I do not know that it would have changed anything for them or us, but trying to protect them by assuming they were 'too young' or 'not aware' was not a good choice on my part.
If you can talk with some program friends and/or a sponsor and maybe come up with something age appropriate to share, then do so. If not, that may be the right answer - I don't know. But as I look at the path my kids chose, I often wonder if more explanation and/or more discussion may have made a difference.
As far as the disease and how it progresses medically, I have no experience. I can share that most of the active alcoholics I know that have lost their life has been to a non-medical reason - car wreck, fall/head injury, suicide....I don't share this to scare you but more to say that we don't really know when life on earth may end - not for an alcoholic nor for another.
(((Hugs))) to you - my favorite share of late - write about it (journal or step work), share about it (program friends/sponsor) and pray about it...the answers will come to you as needed!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Look at it realistically....you are not sitting and looking at it alone and with your Higher Power and program families. I'll wait with you with prayer and faith and hope. If he wants to know tell him he has support from Hawaii and don't break anyone's anonymity. ((((hugs and prayers))))
TS, I am sorry to hear this news and also sorry that you are experiencing the progression of this disease from the vantage point of preparing for the worst for your children's sake. I would lean heavily on my HP for guidance and clarity for yourself and the children. Living in the present and not projecting to the future would give me clarity at this difficult time. We do not have any control over the A or the disease, so the best we can do is detach with love and give it to our HP.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
TS, I am so saddened to hear of this latest development. Keep the focus on yourself, use the serenity prayer , remember that this is a destructive disease over which we are powerless.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand your stress, although my AH is not having as many health issues right now, he has been warned by several doctors that if he continues drinking as he does, one day he will get sick and there is nothing they will be able to do for him. (He has alcoholic liver disease). Sadly, at this point, I think all you can do is take this one day at a time. There is no way to know if he will live 10 days or 10 years. Don't let this hinder you or your children in moving along with ya'll's lives. Easier said than done, I'm sure. I hope you can get some peace about this. Hugs!!
Thanks everyone. I love my MIP family. Just having the support from you all is a big help. I will be getting to as many f2f meetings as I can but your help here means a lot to me. I know this disease is progressive, but it is so hard to watch the man I built my life around, the man I loved, have to go through this. I know my HP will be with me. It makes me so sad to know that he is going through this all alone. I know that is his choice,not mine. I am just so saddened to see it come to this. Everything happens by God''s plan and I will keep praying to hear his guidance for me. One day at a time, right :)
I could have written your post a year ago. I just want you to know that I understand how incredibly stressful this medical chaos and uncertainty is.
"One day at a time" and "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" were really helpful to me and my family in getting through this period. I don't know if anyone, even the doctors, could tell you how long this journey will be. No one told me. Ultimately my AH did pass away, due to many interrelated medical conditions. But before that, some improvement happened in our relationship as a result of the blessings of the Al-Anon program.
All I can say is, I do understand. Focus on yourself which is all you can control. Make your life good each day. Take some time to research and make whatever plans you need -- financial, support systems for yourself and children, etc. What steps will you take if he does pass away? It is good to have plans, and know who you can call on for help.
