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Hello! I just wanted to talk about my situation right now. This is going to be long, sorry:P
I've been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years now. When we first met I didn't really notice any huge problems with his drinking, I never met an alcoholic before. I want to start by saying I love him very much.
I did start to notice he went out with his friends a lot and I started to get to know him better and realized that he did drugs like cocaine and other stuff, mostly while he was drunk. Again, I didn't take it too seriously because I thought he did it once in a while (I wasn't even 21 yet, so I didn't participate in drinking too often). However over time I noticed it was getting dangerous and just stupid. Soon, he was going out every night after work (he is a cook and would work till about 10:30pm) and literally get drunk in an hour with his other co-worker. Because he worked all the time, the only moments of normal conversations I could have with him were in the morning, but still he was always tired and it wasn't very romantic. It came to the point where our sex life was affected because I refused to have sex with him when he was drunk (which was every night he came home from work and sometimes on his "weekends" too). He was also on probation and going through diversion but found ways to work around it of course. He hid so much from me, whether it was how much he was drinking, doing drugs, and who knows what else because he does stupid things when he is drunk.
One day after a "boys night" where he said he wouldn't be doing any drugs, I get a phone call saying he doesn't look very good. I rushed over to his house and came into a scene of him being resuscitated by paramedics. He had over dosed on heroin, possibly provided by his junkie roommate. This traumatized me and I now suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and depression. He luckily got a pulse back but it was a long, slow, and scary recovery. He was on a ventilator for 6 days, had pneumonia for another 5 days and was suffering from ICU delirium and soon pancreatitis. I stayed with him 12 hours out of the day in the hospital to make sure he was well taken care of. (They had him hyped up on pain pills, assuming he was a heroin addict, which he wasn't!). Anyways, he soon came out of the hospital, supposed to be sober because of his pancreatitis. His pancreatitis finally subsided 2 months after he got out. And of course, he went back to drinking. This devastated me. During those months he was sober, I fell more in love with him. This last time, he drank 8 days in a row and got drunk about 7 out of those days. 2 of which ended up in big fights. A time before that I had to go and pick him up from a friend's house at 1am after he lied to me and had his friends lie to me about him drinking, so obviously they didn't care about his well-being and how it could kill him again.
Every time I tell him not to drink or go out with friends who drink and do drugs, he says I'm trying to "control" him. And I always reply back, "No, I'm trying to make sure you don't kill yourself." Pancreatitis is a serious thing and he doesn't understand that fully. Now his pancreas has flared up again and it's scary. One of the recent nights he got drunk, he could not stop! He had his roommate buy him beer, he had his neighbor give him alcohol, etc. These people know he's not supposed to be drinking and they see me crying and upset about how drunk he is and they STILL DO IT. I don't understand how people could not give a crap about someone and also disrespect me like that. And that comes to the point where he says I'm "mothering" him.
It's really hard. I'm getting depressed at even the thought of him drinking now. It's killing him inside and he is only 29 years old. And I love him so much, but I'm afraid if I leave him alone to drink, he's going to die again. And that would kill me, literally. I feel like me trying to "control" him is possibly driving him to drink more? That maybe I'm the problem, but again, I can't leave because he has no one else to protect him from doing dumb things. This whole thing devastated his family and friends. He had so many people trying to visit him at the hospital. And yet he still loves alcohol more than any of them or me. I also let him borrow my car sometimes (he isn't even supposed to be driving, stupid on my part) and he will drink and drive still!! That's the whole reason he is on probation and diversion.
Anyways, I'm trying to decide if I have time for Al-anon or at least some counseling in some way. People tell me my only option is to leave him, but to me that is almost impossible to do. Not to mention how much money I have spent on him and helping him out (but I did refuse to help him pay rent this month because of his spending all his money on alcohol).
Sorry for the long post. Haha it's just such a frustrating thing and it's affecting my life and my motivation for living.
This stuff is never easy is it. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain but you are also in the right place. We all understand what it's like to love an alcoholic. Finding an Al-Anon meeting will definitely help. In Al-Anon you will not only find support from those who have and are living with the same issues you are but also learn the real facts about the disease of alcoholism and what you can do for you. In Al-Anon we learn what is helping and what is enabling. We learn how to set our own boundaries and how to stick to them which really helps to save/restore our own sanity.
Try and remember.....you don't cause this behavior in him.....you can't cure it.....you can't control it.
All the the running around behind him cleaning up his messes, paying his bills and trying to control his health and behavior only wears you down. I know you love him and you are terrified he's going to die so the thought of not running around behind him sounds unthinkable right now. There is a wealth of knowledge in Al-Anon meetings. There are also lots of Al-Anon speakers you can find on YouTube.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us, reached out and found your courage to share.
Alcoholism is a dangerous, deadly progressive disease. It's not uncommon for other substances to enter the mix - it's a feeling and obsession that the diseased chase and any substance will do.
Your best next step is to work on you, for you. Love is not enough to stop an alcoholic from drinking nor enough to make them get sober. They either find recovery or they trudge a miserable road to death or institutions. The age and stage of the diseased is not noted by the disease, it attacks any/all with the compulsion to drink/use.
Al-anon is a great place to start. As Nightingale shared, you will discover that you are not alone. You will find comfort, understanding and friendship. You will find that we focus on what we can do and what we can't control. We work to get right-minded so that difficult decisions, boundaries and reactions are healthy.
Please know you are not alone - keep coming back.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So much of what you shared could be echoed in my own experience. I especially relate to the relationship with two different people, my sober wife, who is kind, considerate, empathetic, and the addict who is none of those things. It is hard not to know who will be home when I get home: the addict, or my sober wife. Part of what I learned at AlAnon was how to take care of myself, how to love my alcoholic wife, and how to let her choices be her choices.
You are in the right place. Keep coming back. Try a few face-to-face meetings. There are also meetings here at MIP.
You are not alone.
(((hugs)))) Sarah
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Welcome to MIP SC, everyone who has responded has given you the same advice I am going to give you, which is to find a local Al-anon group and join. Al-anon will give you the knowledge and support you need right now to learn how to deal with and overcome the damage that alcoholism exerts on those of us who have to live with this deadly disease. http://al-anon.org/local-meetings Wishing you the best and please keep coming back to talk with us!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
StarrCelena, welcome and well done for finding the forum and posting. As others have said you are not the first or only one to have gone through this and you won't be the last and the meetings will help you understand and answer many of your questions. Alanon isn't a cure as even the Docs don't have that, but its a way for you to deal with things and help yourself.
Realise that you didn't cause whats happening but that it is affecting you in ways you don't yet see. You are trying to control the uncontrollable using rational logic which doesn't apply to addicts. Also re-read what you've typed "Every time I tell him not to drink or go out with friends who drink and do drugs, he says I'm trying to "control" him". I know you are looking at this from a safety/care aspect but how would you feel if someone told you not to do something...chances are you would take umbrage, tell them to mind their own business and do it more.
You have choices and the first depends on how you see the relationship long term. For some of us it wasn't so simple as there were houses and children involved. The illness is for life and only your partner can make a change. You can do things that could make a difference but its not a cure and relapse can happen even after many many years.
Addicts by the very nature of their illness will lie compulsively to either get what they want. That may be their next fix or to get peace and quiet for their next fix. This isn't your concern as you can and should only control you and you need to ensure that your actions are not supporting/encouraging the addiction which is the first mistake many us make and only realise when we find these rooms.
The hard part in this is that your partner does not yet accept they are ill. Until this happens nothing will really change and whilst you may have the odd good day thats because you are looking at it from a narrow view point. Your good days can actually be as good as you want them to be and Alanon will gives you the wisdom and tools to know what to focus on. The first of which is YOU
You say that you are trying to figure out if you have time for Alanon. The reality is if you want to make time for 'you' then 'you' will find the time. I was in the same boat and it took me a while to realise that I was finding time to pick up the mess my partner had left even though I didn't make it and to run around after them. Everything I was doing for them was either unwanted, taken for granted or thrown back in my face. As a result of this I was left exhausted, confused, frustrated, angry etc etc and ultimately with no time for me. These rooms helped me to realise and to take charge of me, and to put me first.
Don't get me wrong i still have days when things don't go to plan or my partner lets me down but I know what is in my control and what isn't and I now have better ways to deal with both.
You deserve it to yourself to take a little time out to get to know who you are and what you feel and want. Use local meetings or the online ones to get you started and I promise if you give it a go it will help in time.
