The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading makes a distinction between two miracles of recovery: our own, as one close to someone with the disease, and the alcoholic's. Recognizing the difference calls for us to truly accept steps 1 and 2 and recognize our own limits and responsibilities while respecting others', including the alcoholic's.
The reading notes that we may accurately refer to progress in the alcoholic's recovery as a "miracle", but states that it is not our miracle. This distinction is important because the alcoholic's recovery is truly none of our business. Monitoring the alcoholic's recovery, managing meeting attendance, concerning ourselves with their sobriety is unhealthy behavior that caused problems on both sides during the active drinking, and will continue to do so even in its absence.
We absolutely should be grateful for the alcoholic when there are positives steps in recovery. Our focus, however, is on AlAnon and on addressing our own character defects and recovery. We have a responsibility to respect the alcoholic by letting them manage their own sobriety, while we deal with them gently, courteously, and cooperatively.
Today's Reminder
No matter how close we are to someone with the disease, their recovery belongs to them and their recovery associates, to be followed as they determine it appropriate for them. To the extent that we keep our hands off, we demonstrate our gratefulness for them and their recovery.
Quote
"Study to be quiet, and to do your own business". "...and confuse not the business of others with your own".
______________________________________
AlAnon offers a perspective and set of tools that often differ from those we have become used to using while relying on our own wisdom. We are faced with a choice: continue relying on our own thinking and instincts and experiencing the insanity that has become our lives, or make changes and follow the wisdom of AlAnon. The latter joins us with countless ones before us who have used these principles successfully to restore a manageable life, find serenity, and show the alcoholic the respect that they deserve.
I am so very grateful today for the miracle that is the wisdom and fellowship of AlAnon, for without it I would still be doing things my way, thinking I could guide the alcoholic to recovery, still swimming in anxiety, resentment, and a feeling of helplessness. The challenges don't go away, but the tools that AlAnon has guided me to arm me with knowledge of how to effectively address them while respecting the dignity of others. Thank you Alanon
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
What a great daily we have today and your ESH is awesomely helpful for me!! I just read a post that Jerry wrote in another thread about needing to admit that I was 'as dumb as a stick' when I arrived at the doors of the program. That just sums up so well where my own best thinking and wisdom got me - here, miserable, always wrapped up in the lives of others, and just in need of some major re-thinking, re-programming and education.
My life is so much better, simpler and easier when I can remember and recall each morning how powerless I truly am over another. If Love were the answer, my son's would never have become diseased. If hope were the answer, they would be happy, healthy, educated and whole. If I had the power to bring a cure, we'd all live in harmony and peace. That's just not the reality though and I have the battle scars and mental wounds to prove it - we all do.
Staying on my side of the street, and doing the next right thing for my day is such a peaceful change compared to how I lived before. I am so grateful that this program gave me a 'time-out' to re-engineer my way of living. I truly feel as if I've gotten another chance to be a better version of me. And, for me and my program, that starts with admitting and believing I am powerless over others and then surrendering my will and my life to the care of my HP, as I understand him.
Thanks for your service and the lovely share! Make it a great Friday!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am happy to have read the shares above. My A is drinking less but does not admit to having a drinking problem at all. I did try to manage, control, force, shame, etc., my A, only to wind up depressed, desperate, obsessed, and completely miserable, as none of my efforts, done in kindness or not, did not work. I was getting sicker, and prior to alanon, 2 years back was one of the lowest points in my life. And believe me, I've had many! I agree and am grateful for the gifts that alanon brings me everyday, through the board, my sponsor, my F2f, etc. I am a healthier and happier person all around, still mind you, a work in progress. Starting program is one of the best decisions of my life, and with all of you and HP I will forge ahead. Lyne :)
I so agree with everything everyone has said Paul, and thank you for your ESH and post today. I am always reminded and try to stay mindful everyday of the gifts that Al-anon has given me over these past two years. So grateful to the local program and MIP, for the peace and confidence I have been given. Every day is a new day to learn and share with you all.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
If I want to "own" his recovery, then I must also "own" his relapses. I don't want to own either one of those. It is a no win for me.
If there was actually something that I could have done to make his recovery, don't you think one of us geniuses would have thought of it by now? I listen to the rest of you and I know that I am only responsible for me. I have my own accomplishments and I have to respect my spouse enough to let him have his own accomplishments.
Thanks, all, for your comments and ESH. I am humbled every day by the wisdom of AlAnon and the courage of those in the fellowship who face situations much worse than I.
I tend to share on the pages that I need to work on, as it helps me hold myself accountable. This topic was the linchpin of my recovery, in dealing with my qualifier and in all of my affairs.
I had no idea how out of balance I was, convincing myself that my attempts to control were "helping". I am a closet softy, and genuinely want to help everyone, and no one more than my qualifier at the time. AlAnon taught me how to truly do that, by shutting my mouth and getting out of their way, by quieting my deep seated fears, and by showing love and support.
This topic is a great reminder for me, it is a great help for kickin' me back in line...so good to hear from others how the program is at work in the fellowship
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
