The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
new here, have an AH husband with 3 kids - all still live at home. We are struggling as a family. Middle child is starting to show outburst like throwing dad's beers away etc. His attempts to get sober haven't been successful yet. He says we are over exaggerating the situation and blaming it all on him. He's seeing a doctor and a therapist. Who know what truth is being told in those appointments. What I'm trying to understand from his point of view is when he talks about being supportive what he is needing? He is unable to give me specifics.
Doctor: Do you have anyone at home to support you during this recovery?
AH: No, my wife doesn't understand what I'm going through and isn't being supportive.
Doc: Some people don't understand the disease and recovery process
My point : I've asked him how I can help - no response. I've asked him to goto AA, he refuses says those people aren't like him. I've asked him to go to in treatment, refuses. What support am I supposed to give? I'm mad, yes. I say to stop and get help. I talk to his family who call and express their concern. This type of conversation usually comes up when I catch him lying about drinking (I find beers in car all the time and he's driving kids).
Or is the reality that if he were to tell the doctor, why yes my wife wants me to goto AA and go to in treatment and not drink anymore, then he can't wallow in self pity that he is in now? Is it a blame situation?
Miller, welcome to MIP fellowship, glad you found us and shared your concerns and questions. Al-anon helps those of us who are dealing with the same questions that you posed and gives us the tools to understand and deal with the disease of alcoholism. http://al-anon.org/local-meetings We learn that we cannot and did not cause, nor can we cure or control the alcoholic. We focus on our selves and our own recovery because the alcoholic does make us as sick as they are.
Please keep coming back, you are not alone.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
My experience, like many on these boards, is that most professionals (doctors and therapists) don't really understand alcoholism. They read a chapter about it in school or they try to make it up in their heads, but they don't have real experience or in-depth knowledge. So they believe the A (alcoholic) when he says something like, "I could get sober if only she would do [whatever]. But she's stopping me!"
What Al-Anon knows, and what thousands and maybe millions of people have found out, is the Three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. We can't stop them from drinking any more than we can make them drink. If we could stop it, believe me, one of the millions of people who have loved an alcoholic would have found a way by now. We'd all have heard about it.
That means that no amount of support or right thinking or behaving or talking is going to keep him from drinking if he wants to drink. And none of it is going to convince him to stop drinking. If it could, there'd be no alcoholics in the world. So what we do or not do is beside the point. Obviously it's better if we are reasonable and healthy people - that's better for any relationship. That's better for both us and them. But no partner's "support" is going to make the crucial difference between drinking and not drinking. He's the one who has to make the decision and then get a formal program of help (like AA). We are not his program or his therapist or his Higher Power. We couldn't be. We're not trained, and even if we were trained, there are too many emotions in the way of being an effective therapist. And no person can be someone else's Higher Power.
Alcoholics typically blame their drinking (if they acknowledge it to be a problem at all) on external factors, to avoid taking responsibility. "I'd stop if it weren't for..." Naive people believe them. It sounds as if his doctor is one of those naive people. That's unfortunate, but it's also true that if his doctor understood the real state of things, it wouldn't make any difference unless your A felt he was ready.
When do they feel they're ready? Well, the sad truth is that often they never do. But when they do, it's when the terrible consequences of drinking are fully apparent to them. That's why the one thing we can do is to get out of the way of the consequences - not cushioning their fall. That won't make them go into recovery, but it opens the way for them to go into recovery.
Meanwhile we need our own recovery, because it is confusing and painful and everyone around gets sucked into the insanity that is alcoholism. Do you have an Al-Anon meeting for yourself? That's the most important thing you can do for the health of your own life and of the relationship (because when one person gets healthier, all the dynamics change). Reading through these boards and the Al-Anon literature is also helpful.
I hope you'll take care of yourself and keep coming back.
I haven't been on this site long but I feel so much less alone and so much more empowered just knowing that my struggles are not all that unique. I certainly echo the sentiment that doctors don't have a clear picture of this disease and, in my experience, often don't see the red flags that come before the drinking starts. For our son, depression and anxiety came first. Now, as Mattie said, he would stop drinking "if it weren't for those issues". Thanks for reminding me that I'm not his therapist...nor should I be.
Thanks, I'm planning on attending Al anon soon. He's angry when he's drinking and angry when he's not. and I can't help that. But I can change how he impacts our kids. Hoping the f2f mtgs will help me work though some of the choices that are at my doorstep. He needs to change.
I'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing the madness of alcoholism. In my experience if affects us all in subtle ways.
I used to get very upset and confused when my husband would say that I wasn't there for him. I would have done anything to help him. The relief I felt when I came to this MIP website and discovered that so many other alcoholics were saying the same thing to their wives was a wonderful help for me. I did not have to take those hurtful comments personally any more.
That said, whilst my supportiveness might have been a good thing in a 'normal' relationship I was trying to protect my husband from the consequences of his behaviour and in the context of our alcoholic relationship it was not very helpful at all. My husband's behaviour hurt me a lot and I tried not to show it. As I result I became an unhappy person. Finally I found that preserving my own well being was the most helpful thing that I could do for myself and also for my husband. I imagined how I might feel if I was ill and I saw my husband becoming depressed as a result of my illness. I imagined that it would upset me and that I would not feel good about myself. I imagined that it could, so easily, make me want to have another drink! So this is how I gave myself permission to look after myself first and foremost. It did not come naturally to me but it did get easier and easier and eventually I was so much healthier. I changed and the dynamics of our relationship changed, my husband stopped shouting at me and started to take more responsibility for himself.
I'm sure that the f2f meetings will be helpful for you. I love the old timers who have learnt to live their lives with joy regardless of what the alcoholics in their lives are doing!
Thanks, I'm planning on attending Al anon soon. He's angry when he's drinking and angry when he's not. and I can't help that. But I can change how he impacts our kids. Hoping the f2f mtgs will help me work though some of the choices that are at my doorstep. He needs to change.
Miller - This right here was true for my world also.....as the disease has progressed, my qualifier(s) were rarely happy and quick to blame their state of being on me or another.
Glad you found us and so glad you are planning to go to a meeting. Most of the changes in my situation are me/mine, but my life is so much better. The program gave me the tools to have true joy whether others are drinking/not, unhappy/not, etc.
Keep coming back - welcome aboard!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
