Weeks7304 wrote:

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Can folks reading this message board please provide some positive relationship news? Tell stories about how a rock bottom situation of addiction actually made a relationship (marriages or long term partnerships) stronger and the end product thrives today? I am new to alanon but I feel hope for the future for our family sliding away every day I read messages of relationships being torn apart and marriages failing. There has to be examples of positives coming out of the negatives. I can't be the only one out there that needs to hear these shares. Please..............

-- Edited by Weeks7304 on Wednesday 7th of October 2015 02:19:16 PM

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 Hi Weeks!  Welcome to the board!  I hope you find the experience, strength and hope you are seeking as you wrestle with addiction in a loved one.

I am re-telling something I wrote here a few months ago, with some editing to bring it up to date, and to align with my current perspective.  Hope it helps.

Nearly a year ago my AW was arrested for her 3rd OWI.  This time she had our 9 year old daughter in the car, as well as her two sons (17,13) in the vehicle as well.  Fortunately, she followed the pleas of her oldest son to pull over and let him and his brother out to allow their dad to come and pick them up.  Once out of the car, her son called the local police and reported her, in the hopes of preventing her, his sister, and anyone else on the road from being hurt or killed by his mother.  I was called by the police, notified of her arrest, and informed that I needed to go to the arrest scene and pick up our daughter.  I was enraged.  A marriage already in deep trouble was over in my mind at that moment.  As I drove to pick my daughter up, I was already contemplating the process by which I would file for divorce as soon as the County Courthouse opened the next morning.

I spoke the next day with my pastor, who advised me to take everything a day at a time, not make any rash or emotional decisions, and to get my butt to AlAnon as quickly as I could.  Aside from being my spiritual shepherd, he was a recovering alcoholic himself,with 14 years of sobriety and a wonderful marriage that blossomed once they both found recovery ... so I listened to him.  Knowing where things are today for me after nearly a year in the program, I can say with complete confidence that it was the best advice I ever got, and the best decision I ever made to take it.

At the same time, my AW, of her own choosing, went straight to Detox and from there to Inpatient Treatment for almost 3 months.  She has been sober since the day of her arrest.  We have each been working recovery programs since.

If you had told me on the night of her arrest that my wife and I would still be married today, and that there were no papers filed to change that, I would have told you that you were crazy.  I came to AlAnon, like most, angrry, resentful, spiritually bankrupt, and desperate to rid my life of the chaos and havoc that Alcoholism had inflicted on our family.  Since I walked into the doors of AlAnon, my AW has been through 2+ months of inpatient treatment, been convicted of a felony, lost her ability to drive for months, and done months of jail time, and is on a pretty restrictive probation order.  I have been demoted at work, lost contact with many of my 'friends' who walked away from us when my AW was arrested, and been the sole provider for our daughter for majority of the last 12 months.  We also have had to file bankruptcy, and just for good measure, I lost my mother in the midst of all of this.  Despite all that chaos, the last 8-11 months have brought me more serenity than the previous 5 years combined.  I had this serenity while my wife was in treatment and then in jail (essentially out of my life) and have had it since she returned home as well.  I am certain that this has occurred because I started working my own recovery by attending AlAnon 4 times a week, getting a sponsor, began working the steps, faithfully read AlAnon literature and reconnected with my higher power.

I used to measure success by if the outcome of events or happenings in my life turned out how I wanted them to.  It's no wonder I was angry, resentful and spiritually bankrupt.  I was walking around with a deep sense of entitlement, and when I was denied what I believed I was entitled to (which was most of the time), I became a victim ... of my AW, my boss, my kids, my son's mom, my AW's ex-husband, the government, and worst of all, my HP (whom I choose to call God).  I am learning, through my work in AlAnon, to measure my success differently.  Each day I take an inventory of all the things I have to be grateful for that day.  I accept that I am NOT God, and therefore, am not capable of making everything turn out the way I want to ... and instead, focus only that what I can truly change, and let God take care of the rest.  Sometimes things turn out in a way that pleases me, sometimes they don't, and in most cases, I am able to see God's will in those things that didn't happen the way i would have preferred, and can find things to be grateful for in that.

So, to bring it around to my situation with my AW ...

• I stay out of her recovery and she stays out of mine. 
• We are both learning to set healthy boundaries and stand by them
• We are learning how to communicate with each other in a healthy way ... by saying what we mean, meaning what we say, and not saying it mean.  We are getting professional marriage counseling, and slowly we are learning to trust each other, listen to each other, and respect each other, despite the many ways we undoubtedly hurt each other.
• I am not dependent on her sobriety for my happiness, and she is not dependent on my emotional sobriety for hers.
• We are setting goals for our family together, and working as a team to prioritize and work towards them, while accepting that we are all doing the very best we can.

We have a long way to go, and some days are better than others.  I have no idea if we will still be married to each other tomorrow, or a week from now or a decade from now.  I'm taking it a day at time, and not focusing on something that may or may not happen in the future to dictate how I feel today.  I measure my success one day at time.  Today we are married, and speaking at least for me, have peace and serenity in my home and life, and so does our daughter.  So, for today, I can say I have a successful marriage.  Happily ever after is a measure I don't think of anymore.  To me, that's a promise that no one can realistically make.  Without AlAnon, I know things would be very different today.  I doubt I would be married, I certainly would still be angry, and clinging to a victim's mentality, and certainly unhappy.

I am grateful today for her arrest.  I believe God was at work that day for our entire family.  No one was hurt or injured.  We each hit our bottom and found recovery.  Through recovery relationships are healing, and our home is (perhaps for the first time) a place of love and serenity, instead of anger, resentment and chaos.  We each have relationships with our HP's that did not exist before that day.  I am starting to live life on my terms, taking things as they come, living in the present rather than paralyzed with fear, and feel better on the inside than I have in more than 10 years.  Hard not to see that as a miracle from where I sit.

Once again, welcome to the board and good luck in your journey.  Hope you keep coming back.

No worries. Just fishing for some positives from alanon these days. 

Weeks, I will share my story, which is bittersweet.  

By the time I became aware my husband was an alcoholic, his physical health had deteriorated pretty badly.  We'd had a very good marriage for 30+ years, but over time the progression of the disease showed itself, and things got worse due to physical and mental changes.   Once things got to where he had seizures, lost his driver license as a result, had numerous hospitalizations for a variety of illnesses, and quit alcohol briefly but then relapsed to drinking and hiding it.  Doctors advised me to remove all alcohol from the house, which I did -- twice -- and somehow it came back in. He always vehemently denied being an alcoholic. I became more angry than I had ever been (or ever hope to be again). 

Once I reached the pit of despair, I found Alanon.  It helped me tremendously, and I was detached.  I could no longer care for my husband and he could not care for himself, so I  placed him in a care home.   My daughter knew I was going to Alanon, and although I never urged her to do it, she took it upon herself to find her own Alanon meeting.  She talked about it with her dad -- who professed to be very surprised that both she and I were in Alanon.  He did have some cognitive issues by this time, and -- I have to laugh -- when daughter told him both she and her mom were going to these meetings, he asked, "Who's your alcoholic?" 

Now here comes the miracle:  Daughter was able to (1) get him to see a therapist for a couple of visits, (2) get him to one AA meeting, and (3) get him to one Alanon meeting.  He was in a wheelchair by this time, and daughter drove him to the meetings and waited outside until it was time to drive him home. During this phase, he essentially did a "ninth step" -- even though he didn't really know about the Twelve Steps -- and requested to have lunch with me during which he asked me sincerely how his drinking had affected me, and apologized for having hurt me.  It's really hard to describe how much lighter, and more connected with him, this made me feel.

Within the next couple of months after this, his health continued downhill and he passed away, relatively peacefully.  We remained married the whole time, and -- although we both went through hell -- I feel he, and we, redeemed ourselves through the grace of this program.  His relationship with our two children remained positive, and both our son and daughter were incredibly supportive to both of us through his last months. 

I can never know if it would have made a difference if I had gotten into the program sooner, but I am grateful I found it when I did.

-- Edited by Freetime on Thursday 8th of October 2015 12:35:17 AM

Hi Weeks.

My AH has been sober now for 4 months and although our relationship isn't perfect, I will say what we went through this year has made us stronger in that we aren't in denail anymore, he is sober and we are both working on getting healthy (both physically and more importantly emotionally). We are both working our programs and trying to be the best people we can be and better parents to our two young boys. One story I will share. Before my husband found sobriety and when he was at his worst with his disease, my youngest who is 3 would not talk to him, spend time with him and pretty much ignored him. Once he could no longer deny his problem and started to seek help miracles started to happen and my youngest son began to talk to his father, wanted to spend time with him and snuggle him. The turn around was pretty amazing and was only fuel for my husband to seek further help. My husband and I are still working on our relationship. It is not rock solid by any means but it is so much better than it has been in years.

Hi Weeks,

You mention wanting to hear positives in the midst of negatives, which is a great attitude! My question to you is, do you feel that the only "positive" outcome in a relationship is staying together? Because in my very recent experience, putting an end to a marriage that had decayed beyond repair was one of the most positive things I've done for both myself and my children. My ex wife and I are on very good terms and harbor no animosity towards one another. She's already found someone new and I hope she finds happiness in herself on her journey, as I'm now free to find my own happiness on mine.  Although I was always free to be happy, my focus wasn't where it needed to be to achieve it at the time.

If staying together is what you decide is the most positive, healthy choice for you and your family, then I wish you the absolute best in finding that happiness!

-- Edited by littlelionman on Thursday 8th of October 2015 02:35:32 PM

I'm in the same boat Weeks and can say that al anon gave me the strength to stop questioning myself after being manipulated often by my AW. We went to a couples therapist last night and I was comfortable with myself to lay all my issues on the line. I was so worried I'd come out looking like some freak but the therapist was very understanding and in the end I think it was good for my AW to hear. We actually had a very good day today despite me bringing up some heavy stuff last night....stuff that she had been kind of blowing off but stuff the therapist took very seriously. I have renewed hope that we can work things out. Hope that today will end well. And maybe even tomorrow. I will take that for now

My partner comes from a drinking family and boy did she like to party. Always the last to leave and one drink was never enough.
After we got married we had a child and when the child went to school she started to feel like a spare part.
Shed given up work with the idea of retraining but during the holidays season "wine with lunch & friends" became the norm.
Lunch then extended through to tea time and a bottle became two and then a box.
I then started coming home to find her asleep and jobs around the house not being done. I knew it was drink as the recycling was getting crazy.

I broached the subject and was put in my place at which point the drink started to magically appear in unusual locations around the home, bank balance reduced, and the lies started to ramp up.
Like many I didn't realise it was an illness and did all the usual crazy things.

To cut a long story short this has gone on for over two years with Docs and others having no impact. Couple of days sobriety and then any/every excuse for a 4-5 day bender and the wine miraculously changed to vodka.

4 months ago we managed to get to an AA meeting but it was a bit adhoc and it was me pushing. The seeds were sown and the drink was spoilt though.
We've had a couple of occasions in the 4 months were I thought the bottom had been hit but in every instance the illness wasn't accepted and the relapse followed quickly.

1 month ago I took her to an AA meet and by accident found there was an Alanon meeting in the adjacent building. I got my eyes well and truly opened at that first meeting and decided to put my faith in it and follow the principles. Id tried everything else so there was nothing to loose.
The change in me was noticeable as things that used to wind me up no longer did and I wasn't provoking or enabling the situation anymore.

We hit what we hope was the real bottom just over 11 days ago as I applied detachment with love and removed myself and our child from then home to let may partner get on with what she wanted to do -drink!
This resulted in a dispute with a not so nice neighbour and this has ultimately led to us having to vacate our home for safety reasons

My partner has now realised that their actions caused this and it could of been far far worse i.e. jail sentence, loss of child, serious injury etc etc
They no longer want to drink and are hammering the meetings and doing everything in their power to apply AA to their life, and they have accepted that its a mental illness.
They may not yet understanding it but they have accepted that they are allergic to the drink and that they need to avoid that 1st drink at all cost.

Our world has turned around, and everything is falling into place for a new start.
We have our own meetings and also shared meetings which helps us both understand the other. We are talking and the past is being left in the past until we need to deal with it via the steps. We are both posative and thinking before acting/speaking. Neither of us needs drink in our lives and the last 11 days have demonstrated that we can make it work for us and have a great family life if we choose.

Yes its early days but we have both committed to the programme for ourselves and in doing so the other and the family reaps the benefits.

I think the ethos of AA & Alanon and the associated fellowships are amazing and i for one am very proud/privileged/grateful to be part of it.
I know that for today I am one of the lucky ones as I no longer fear tomorrow.
When tomorrow comes I will entrust it to my higher power and let them decide what will be. My partner will also do the same.
It may not be easy and we may not get our own desires met but it will be a good day if we let it, and we won't dwell on any negatives.
We will accept what comes our way and we will work on improving the things that we can (I will focus on me).
Im getting a much better understanding of what makes me tick and that Im not perfect and also how my actions impact on others.

Im grateful that in our case our programmes are working for each of us and that we have been able to share our journeys both with each other and with others in the fellowships.
Im also very grateful that others have gone before me and have proved that it can work if we let it.

For me and for today thats all I can ask for, as who knows today could be my last (hopefully not lol) and i will therefore do what I can to make it a good day for me and those i encounter.
There is enough badness in the world without me adding to it.

Its great knowing that Im a member of a work wide club that is there for me 24/7/365 and a friendly word or shoulder is just a call/text/or forum away and that I am no longer alone.

Thanks for others that have shared in this post/forum and for all the work that goes on to pass the word on and provide support.
Keep it up and keep sharing the huggs and prayers

God Bless

-- Edited by Lee8375 on Friday 9th of October 2015 07:56:10 PM

Hey Weeks! Things have been going well with me and my AW for the past week after our counseling session. We've eliminated my main concern and I am now focused on just helping her in her recovery in any way I can. The biggest way is just by working on myself through Al Anon but I also have seen that I can let a lot of little issues go for awhile while she is in early recovery. I think she appreciates this and the affection has boomeranged back. She has taken ownership of her program by settling in on a regular AA meeting schedule, reached out to a sober coach that she ended up liking and agreeing to therapy for us. All while working part time and taking care of kids. So there are plenty of areas in her recovery that I can help in. I'm confident that because she is the one that developed the program she needs that there is no end to how I can help her when she's working it. I hope all is well with you!

I hope your session went well. We seem to be on the same timeline with our spouses. I too came away from a f2f last Saturday with a feeling of perspective. Perspective that some of the things I was looking for from my AW were not really that vital at this stage. Listening to some very heartbreaking stories at my meeting led me to step back and be glad that she was working hard on her program and still sharing with me. Maybe not as much as i'd like but more than when she was drinking. And I've found that more I step back and work on myself, the more she reaches in. But that's also just the case of who I am and who she is during the best of times. Al Anon is helping me learn to step back and not feel helpless. I still have a long way to go but I love seeing it work. Of course, its all contingent on my AW continuing to do well in her program but I definitely feel I can help this, whether directly or indirectly.

Hi Weeks,  I posted a pretty positive example in your last thread (Here) .  For more info, my wife and I are doing pretty well, we are managing our son through boy scouts (almost an Eagle) and now marching band, which takes up even more time than scouts.  We are getting along pretty well, much better than before she became an A.  There is almost no yelling or lack of patience in the house, other than the normal amount from our teenage son.  There are still definitely issues that need addressed, but I feel like they will be addressed in their time and aren't looming directly in front of us keeping us from life anymore.

Shortly after she returned home from rehab, she decided that one of the main sources of friction in our family was our house, and she wanted to move.  She was right, but I wasn't convinced that she could support it, she had done so much sleeping on the couch when she was active I had gotten used to the family doing the bare minimum to survive, which wouldn't include all the work to clean/sell/buy houses.  but we did, and she had her energy back, and we supported each other, and it felt like we were a family again!

Wife is two years sober in mid-November.  She is still is pretty faithful in AA meetings, and very faithful with her sponsor.  I am not going to many F2F meetings because of all this other crazy stuff going on, but am checking in here as much as I can.

So positive things do happen.  And negative do too.  The other day she got some bad news from her family that affected her badly.  We were supposed to go out that evening with some friends, but when I got home from work, she was kinda passed out in bed.  And acting drunk.  I didn't even discuss it with her, treated her for the most part like everything was fine (didn't let her drive the car) and didn't engage in conversations about drunkenness.  Next morning she told me that her anxiety had been off the charts that night because of the news.  I told her she had been acting like she was drunk, but I didn't think she really was, and even if she was, it was her business anyway.  That was a pretty stressful night for me too, as I had to use all my tools to keep from just yelling at her that she's ruined her two year streak and everything's gone back to the crapper again!

So, best thing is to keep the tools sharp, keep giving and receiving ESH, get to f2f meetings when possible, and keep coming back here.  One way or the other, your life can get better, basedf on your determination, and not on the actions of others.

Kenny