I'm grateful at the moment for some of the harder lessons I've learned so far in al-anon.

Primarily, I'm thinking of some of that really confronting step 4 work and taking ownership of my own "stuff". Not that I'm a master at it or anything, I have a long way to go but I am looking at the differences in the way I process stuff now and the changes are good. 

I mentioned that I recently spent about 10 days with A while daughter was away, and it was mostly good with some drunken nonsense in between. Well for a few months now I've been entertaining "what if" thoughts. He says he can't stand that we live apart, I know I often miss him, and things are so hard financially, renting on my own....would it be that bad to rent a nicer house with him again?Split the bills? Not have to pay for someone to mind the dog if i want to be away for a weekend? Was it THAT bad? And daughter has been angling for the same thing....she knows it was easier and I could afford more when I split the rent with him and it never seemed that bad to her (he mostly just stayed in his room)...would it be THAT bad? He and her get along like a house on fire these days. And I miss the cuddles so much.

But there goes the crazy denial and selective memory. In fact last week when he stayed, he got insanely drunk 2 times and I felt so unsafe I hid the knives from the kitchen and slept on the couch with the front door open and my car-keys and phone hidden in a flowerpot outside the door. He didn't DO anything aggressive, lets be clear, he was just ranting nonsense and a bit belligerant but one thing I have learnt is not to tell myself to "shush" when the alarm bells sound. They sound for a reason and now, as soon as he sounds drunk I get scared. 

I also found I was so calm when he was out of control and almost happy and super-light-hearted the next day, while he moaned and felt sick and muttered apologies I was all charged up and happy....dancing around whistling and making breakfast, washing his clothes and playing magical hangover fairy....it was all so familiar. He's a mess and I'm in control. We can't do anything today because he messed up but that's OK because I am blameless. La-la-la nothing matters except getting some vitamins into him and seeing if I can get him to do something nice with me when he feels better...La-la-la

I got no school work done while he was here and I didn't care. "You and me babe against the world" became reality again and nothing else mattered. And when he left I cried and felt very sad and empty and worried he would "leave me" for days afterwards.

And that's the problem isn't it? Maybe he has learnt something. Maybe a year living apart and knowing that I mean business will make him think twice about his behaviour in future. Maybe it wouldn't. Maybe this and maybe that. Maybe he'll be freaking great this time around. Who knows? The point is, thank HP and thank al-anon that it's no longer about trying to decide what HE will or won't do. It's about ME and how I REACT and the reality is that when we are together for any length of time, my focus shifts to him and everything that is important to me just gets packed away into a box under the bed while I play nurse, and social worker, psychologist, butler and banker to him. And it all feels so natural and I even feel that old familiar sense of pride at how well I can 'take it". It's kind of intoxicating! there's no way I could maintain my new life and live with him....all of my hopes and dreams and priorities would get packed away (by me) one by one until i was once again exhausted and disappointed and without hope. 

It made it easier to forgive myself for all of the years I lived that way too. When I look at the way I change when I am around him I don't hate myself for it now; it makes sense. I wanted to be in a partnership and be a family and I wanted to believe him when he said that he wanted that too, so I did all of the work for both of us! And the whole time I hated myself and tore myself down for failing to achieve it. I have to remind myself that it took a LOT of grit and determination to keep that hole-filled ship sailing for as long as I did. 

And now I'm putting that grit and determination into building a life by myself and it's paying off in so many ways. I've just crossed off another trimester of units from my course and I know I am headed for the finish line and a whole new world after that. 

I'm so grateful to have been guided to a place where it's no longer about what HE MIGHT DO but instead about what I AM DOING.

Than you all for helping me to get here.

(((everyone)))