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Really struggling with accepting that I am not a priority right now. New to alanon. My Wife is less than a week out of inpatient treatment. I was as supportive as humanly possible through that and continue to be. I took time off from work to reconnect but that has proven to not be the case. I feel very left out! She is registering for out patient, attending meeting after meeting, and hanging out with 'her new people.' I believe we have a good marriage but right now there are other priorities that require her attention, and I feel rejected. Her sobriety is def #1 as it will help the whole family in the end. I know the journey is still new, but I desperately want to feel like her Husband again. Really struggling! I will continue to be supportive and hope she comes around emotionally in the near future. I'm just a huge baby who really loves his Wife.
Anyone else have experience in this? How did you get past the feelings of rejection?
This is still very new to you and your wife. You need to give it time. In the meantime, have you tried a face-to-face meeting. These are a great way for loved ones to talk about feelings such as this. You will find a lot of support in these meetings.
Unfortunately, our schedules do not allow for time to attend a f2f meeting. Her meetings, out patient, and sobriety are priority 1 right now. I had viewed this as an opportunity to grow as individuals and we have. I attend online meetings here twice a day, most days for the past month. I will just continue to maintain the house, raise the kids, and work until the time comes she returns in an emotional state with me. I'll continue to be the supportive, loving husband I am suppose to be while taking a step back and allowing her to have her space. I hate that feeling, but I'm not getting anywhere doing what I am doing. She has a 'new family' in her recovery people and that is a tough pill to swallow and that is where I struggle knowing the priority is not with me as the Husband. Life must go on. Just a big baby who loves his Wife.
I am like you, JW. I can feel totally comfortable putting my all into making the environment perfect for someone else, waiting until it's my turn. I'm old. I know better.
I have come to feel deep gratitude for the freedom to pay attention to my wants, my needs and my extras. This permission came to me after working the steps with my wise sponsor. You can have that for you, too. I came here when staying in the old pattern got too awful for me.
By continuing to align with the program, you can slowly make room for yourself. It takes time.
I now look at my life as if I spent time trying to make a brick wall be something else. (I was changing walls, but still, wall.) Not the problem of the brick wall.
Once I accepted it for what it is and not expect it to magically be what I want, I was free. So much angst just flew away.
My experience. My benefit of coming here, paying attention and trying many small changes (most of them between my ears).
I like the insight MissMeliss has given.
Keep coming back.
I love MissMeliss' advice. It is very sobering to me as I'm in a similar situation as Weeks. Much of the time she seems well on her way to recovery and emotionally fine but then I just feel a certain lack of empathy or understanding or desire to compromise. Before my wife, I wanted to find someone that I could share the rest of my life with. Someone to talk to when things were good and bad, some to trust, someone to be intimate with and someone to have fun with. I'm not sure which of those will come back. So to look at what I wanted and liked before her is scary if those things (or many of those things) could be gone. That means making a difficult choice. Being happy or hoping to get back happiness.
Rest assure I am not doing everything. We have alternating work schedules to avoid the insanely expensive bill associated with childcare. And I do not expect her to go back to the way she was before treatment, that is unrealistic expectations leading to disappointments. I have not returned to the way I was before treatment. I quit drinking the day she left and we have both been sober since. For me it is easy; for her it is a daily struggle. I get all of that. At the core of who she is, I know that person. And that is what I desire a return to. I don't believe that part has changed. It is the shell of what she once was, the shell that hasn't been fully removed. We are not defined by a disease nor is she defined by this disease. I don't believe that there are no emotions outside of what one feels during recovery. But hearing that so many relationships don't survive, I see how people both in recovery and in a supportive role can come to believe that. When all you feel is recovery for months on end, overwhelmed with the pressures of sobriety and told not to worry about others feelings, why would you allow yourself to feel for anyone or anything else? I get the fact it is so fresh and new. I get alanon can be helpful because it has in many ways so far. But I struggle with the steps and giving up to a HP. When you find someone you really connect with and truly love, it is very difficult to release the hearts desire. I am in no way miserable, and this does not consume me, but I do have deep emotional desires for our relationship, and that is ok. I wish there were more examples within alanon of marriages or relationships that survived and thrived during and following recovery. I am a very selfless person so the selfish nature of AA and alanon is proving really difficult for me to wrap my head around. Despite that, I have hope we will be a success story I will share on this board at some point to give hope for others that are struggling to maintain a happy and healthy relationship despite this disease. This disease will not win in any aspect of life!
Hi weeks, welcome to MIP. There is no doubt that AlAnon presents us all with new choices of thought and behavior, made possible by trying on a new perspective.
The AlAnon perspective is not in any way, however, based on selfishness. It involves accepting alcoholism as a disease, and humbly acknowledging that it is one of the many things we are powerless to cause, cure, or control.
Success stories in AlAnon are plentiful, and involve the increased access to serenity in the lives of those who, with the help of a HP, remove the expectations and focus on the disease, and turn the focus toward our own much needed recovery.
When we do this, we are showing respect to the alcoholic and allowing them the space they need and deserve to find the path to recovery that can only they can discover with the help of a higher power of their understanding.
AlAnon helped me see that most of the help I thought I was giving the alcoholic was not only ineffective, but actually harmful to their recovery. As I attended F2F meetings, read AlAnon literature daily, I was able to see that I needed my own recovery and that's where my focus should be.
Each case is as different as the individuals involved, and the ultimate outcomes of each are not indicative of others. What is predictable is that when we are willing to take on the AlAnon perspective and put it into action, our lives become more manageable. Success stories in AlAnon are recognizable by the increased serenity and decreased anxiety, fear, frustration regardless of what the alcoholic does.
Alcoholism is a family disease, we all are affected, and each has much work to do on our own recovery. Staying out of the alcoholics recovery is not selfish, its the best thing we can do for them, and us. If a loved one has pneumonia, we wouldnt stand over their recovery bed while battling malaria. AlAnon helped me stay focused on my own recovery and leave the alcoholics recovery in the more capable hands of them and their higher power. Recovery for us both has never been better.
As you attend more meetings and read over the pages of AlAnon literature, I hope you are able to see how using the principles of AlAnon can make an incredible difference in your lifeKeep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I can speak for the getting sober part of the 12 Steps for just a moment.....for most of us, when we hit bottom, we are nothing. We feel we have destroyed everything, we feel we are nothing, and that we don't deserve anyone to forgive/love us.
Early sobriety is very, very hard. While we are doing as told (just don't drink, 90 meetings in 90 days, OP, etc.) the emotional state of the bottom is the slowest change. When you remove the substance, the ism remains. So, we feel better physically and can begin to return to 'normal things'.....but the emotional, spiritual and psychological affect of the disease are the slowest elements of recovery (happens through the 12 steps).
You have every right to your own feelings - they are yours and you own them. Where Al-Anon's slip is wanting what we want when we want it (very similar to the Alcoholic thinking). Yesterday's Courage to Change was perfect for this - it talks about the changes that are happening in ourselves and around us even if/when we don't see them.
Do the best you can to focus on you one day at a time and trust the process. You put you first, allow her to put her first and pray for the proper intersection that will happen at the right time!
(((Hugs))) to you - it's not easy for either side - early recovery is very, very difficult for both sides of the table!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for this Iamhere. This captures exactly where we are right now. Especially the "feeling better physically, but the emotional, spiritual and psychological affect are the slowest elements of recovery." She is working really hard and must acknowledge that. I must accept it won't change on my timeframe. I will continue to work on me through this as well. Supports are few for me so I am really do this with little guidance at the moment. I utilize this group as much as possible as time allows. I hope to purchase some literature in the near future and begin to use those study guides. It's very hard for me to remain in the here and now. I'll get there.
I'm right there with you Weeks. It's good to hear I'm not alone. I guess being patient is key. It's just hard when we've been hurt by the past behavior and there is no guarantee things will even get better....but I guess I owe it to the love of my life to try.
"Staying out of the alcoholics recovery is not selfish, its the best thing we can do for them, and us. If a loved one has pneumonia, we wouldnt stand over their recovery bed while battling malaria."
This succinctly sums up what I was going to share better than I could say it myself.
I don't love the pneumonia analogy. I'd sure as hell make sure she went to the doctor and took her medicine and got all the support she needed. I wouldn't let her die because she forget it wasn't capable of taking the medicine. None of this is that easy and I see some extreme things said that are sometimes hard to relate to. Don't get me wrong, I agree with the program in general but there are definitely some gray areas
I think people are reading to much into the word selfish. By definition, selfish is (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. Having little involvement and being so new to the alanon program, I will admit I don't have a lot of knowledge under my belt. But from what I've been exposed to with my Wife's recovery and the statements within this board, I continue to hear that we are to focus on ourselves and not be involved with anyone else's recovery. To detach with love. That we are to work the steps and discover our own journey. My Wife has stated her recovery is her recovery and she can't be concerned with my feelings or emotions. I read into the very nature of the programs as being boarderline selfish in nature. And I struggle with that. Am I wrong in my views? If so, please guide and educate me. I am happy to work on me and discover my happiness. But to simply detach from other responsibilities while I work a program is simply not realistic.
I agree with uva25. Aside from being quarantined and in a forced isolation setting, I don't know of any illness or disease that should a loved one be diagnosed that I would not be by their side as much as possible being as supportive as possible. Perhaps this is just my selfless nature coming out again.
uva25 - Life is full of gray areas.....and I am grateful that Al-Anon taught me that. Let me give you a real life example. My husband has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents too. He takes blood pressure medication and cholesterol medication also.
After his 2nd heart attack, they referred him to a heart surgeon. The heart surgeon recommended bypass surgery and they did not know how many it would be 3, 4, 5.
My husband is an active alcoholic, reasonable functional most of the time. He was 63 at the time. His parents both died @ 51 from different ailments, but his father had the big heart attack that sent him home. So, my husband was seriously considering not having the surgery. His thinking was that he was already on borrowed time, there are no guarantees with bypass surgery, while there is significant success. The recovery is long and painful and there are other side affects.
When he first told me that he was considering not having it and just enjoying whatever time he had left, I thought that was the silliest thing I had ever heard. However, I had to step back as it is/was his body, his life, his recovery, etc. Not mine. I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor and my answer was to support him. So, I told him that if it were me, I'd have the surgery, but that I would support him with whatever choice he made.
My family lives a long, long while, I am healthier than him and would roll with the surgery, without considering the alternative. In your post, you suggest you would 'force treatment' for your loved one. I see things very different, directly resulting from this program - I wouldn't force anybody to do anything. If an adult chooses to not treat an illness, they have that right. I don't believe that just because I love someone and am sober, I have the power to force a cure - no matter what the disease is.
So, while there are gray areas, we keep it very simple in Al-Anon. We focus on us. Changing us. Acting differently, Reacting differently, releasing our insanity (thinking we can fix others), trusting in a higher power, setting aside the past as it can't be changed and staying in the present, as nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.
We don't try to fix, cure, change, manipulate, control another person or outcome. We look inward for our happiness, joy and peace of mind. We are tooled to thrive and be happy and joyous no matter what any other person is doing. I know I love my qualifiers. I gave birth to two of them with my AH - my third qualifier. But, I can't change, control, or cure any of the 3 from their addictions. There perpetual 'draw' and cravings make them saydo/be ugly at times. I am able to realize it's the disease, not my person. When I am focused outside of myself, I am not growing, changing or recovering.
The serenity prayer is my favorite keep it simple tool.
Weeks - you are right - you will get there. When I was new in Al-Anon, my qualifiers were my 2 sons. They weren't even adult age yet and were deep into the throws of addiction. I saw a ton of me in them - anything that would alter their mental state and allow escape was acceptable. As we all know, the epidemic of today is heroin. When I attended my first meeting, I couldn't even take a deep breath - literally. My heart hurt so bad, my fear and anxiety were beyond any charts and my shame for their choices was larger than I can describe. I could not believe WE were where we were. It was so defeating and heart-breaking...
But, throw a great group of others in recovery, a very, very great sponsor and the literature, I've 'bounced back'. I feel more like the me before all 'that' began, but even more happy/peaceful. I've been around the 12 steps a long while, but in Al-Anon, the program asks me to look at my relationship with myself and how it affects other areas of my life. In the other program, I was asked to examine my relationship with alcohol and/or mind-altering substances so I could strengthen my resolve to not go back to the substance. Relationships are examined, but it's a bit different as they are looked upon as how they 'went' relative to the drinking/drugging.
Many folks do not realize that the ism portion of the disease takes a while to treat. You are now better equipped as what I wrote made sense to you. You're on the road to the Al-Anon journey that will bring you peace. If I can get there, I believe anyone can.
As far as literature goes, check your local library just to borrow if you want at first. It might give you a better idea of what literature you want/need. There are lists here at the forum on preferred, but it's individual. There is also a step study right now (think we are on 6, but you can join in any time you want ... start with the 1st Step)...look to the top right for a link to the study and even if you don't yet want to share, you can still read and learn.
We do not work to get well for anybody but ourselves. We don't get recovery to fix a relationship and/or to lead another towards it. We don't dream about if/when they get sober. We put ourselves first and allow them to do the same. It sound as if you have the personal strength to allow your wife the dignity of discovery during recovery. Kudos to you - and I do understand where you are....give yourself a break and do something fun/special just for you. It will bring a bit of joy and you'll want more.....that's kind of how it worked for me.
(((Hugs))) to all - keep coming back and keep the focus on you. I do believe that HP works in mysterious ways!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think people are reading to much into the word selfish. By definition, selfish is (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. Having little involvement and being so new to the alanon program, I will admit I don't have a lot of knowledge under my belt. But from what I've been exposed to with my Wife's recovery and the statements within this board, I continue to hear that we are to focus on ourselves and not be involved with anyone else's recovery. To detach with love. That we are to work the steps and discover our own journey. My Wife has stated her recovery is her recovery and she can't be concerned with my feelings or emotions. I read into the very nature of the programs as being boarderline selfish in nature. And I struggle with that. Am I wrong in my views? If so, please guide and educate me. I am happy to work on me and discover my happiness. But to simply detach from other responsibilities while I work a program is simply not realistic.
I agree with uva25. Aside from being quarantined and in a forced isolation setting, I don't know of any illness or disease that should a loved one be diagnosed that I would not be by their side as much as possible being as supportive as possible. Perhaps this is just my selfless nature coming out again.
I was typing while you were - being supportive is very normal and acceptable. Being controlling, and assuming we have power over another is not acceptable in the Al-Anon way. Yes - I agree that the program seems selfish. As you get involved, you'll understand that the program selfish is for survival vs. personal gain....that's where it makes it 'ok' to be in my mind. HTH!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Weeks...welcome to the board and mahalo (thanks) for your participation which reminds me much of what it was like for me when I first arrive at Al-Anon. I knew nothing and didn't even suspect that what I did know was not supportive of reality. I also questioned a lot of what was shared in the open meetings and often the result was emotionally filled with anger. I learned later on that the anger was normal for the struggle of very new information up against my mis-information. I was without understanding and experience and walked around bumping into "walls" quite often. When I was angry I learned even less however something kept bringing me back if it was only the invitation at the end of our meetings "Keep coming back...this works when you work it". It took me two trips into the program before I resigned myself to just sit and listen to those who seemed to "get it" and I gave myself permission to chase down the old-timers and ask...ask...ask. I was never turned away which was part of the blessing I came to understand I was being allowed. I knew so little and came to accept that "I was a dumb as a stick". I knew nothing...not even that I couldn't even spell the word alcoholism or that I was one myself. I was born and raised inside of the disease...it was normal and native to my family...we drank a lot and very often and drunk was not a physical condition as much as it was a sinful one. We could be forgiven our sins. My alcoholic addict wife wished she could drink like me...meaning often and a lot without getting drunk so I was confused and had to learn...I went to college to learn about substance abuse and alcoholism on an awareness basis just to know about the chemical and then they could not teach that without also teaching the affects of the chemical and I learned a lot about what I went thru and what my spouse was going thru. "It is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body; can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. It is diuretic, synergistic, a psychotic, anesthetic, mind and mood altering and more and the disease can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence and then much more came after those realities and I felt lost and very sad for my alcoholic/addict wife. If she didn't stop completely it would take her entire life and mine also should we not find a way to resist it and resist it entirely.
I stopped drinking for some reason entirely without withdrawals or cravings as others complain about. The psychological battle still gets fought and I have surrendered myself to that nature of alcoholism which etches itself in the mind and spirit, memory and experience. The alcoholic in me still thinks and wishes it can and doesn't go beyond that. Be humbled this is the mother of all diseases and your wife is fighting for her very life. I had to surrender to the fact that my wife saving her own life was much much more important a part of our relationship than anything else...she battle the disease before meeting me and after meeting me she came close to her demise in ways we never suspected. The last time I saw her and held her we were deeply in love with each other and had no reason to be married. We learned that the whole matter of our meeting and marrying in the first place was a plan by our Higher Powers to find recovery and we did.
I know what you are going thru. I know what your wife is going thru. I know that coming to trust a power greater than myself made the whole journey alright. An alcoholic wife is not the platform for my wants and needs. The wants and needs of the disease are much more weighty. There is a direction in AA that says, "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God...." Abandonment to me was the proper perspective. It meant do not reserve power for myself and to trust absolutely.
I will do this with you in my mind, in my spirit and in my walk and I pray, wish and hope both you and your wife recover completely. Old timers in this program and AA are were the successes are....reach out, continue to ask and trust. In recovery....(((((hugs)))))
I can recognise my own experiences in the feelings that you describe.
My husband is now two years sober and he is just beginning to face his emotions and needs. I hoped that we would be reconnecting and walking life together by now but that hasn't really happened yet. However I do still pin some of my own feelings of accomplishment on our marriage surviving (not good alanon practise I guess! ) If we do come through this together it will 'have all been worthwhile' and 'we will be stronger for it'. That isn't really healthy thinking on my part because when I look at it objectively why don't I think my own life is worthwhile, isn't it a precious gift that has been entrusted to me? So now I think that I can best help those I love by enjoying my own life. I don't imagine anyone, especially me, wants to live out their days with a tired, worn out and resentful old bat!!!
One of the ways that I cope is lovingly trusting that my husband is doing the same in his life. He is a grown up and can take responsibility for his own recovery. The concept of an HP was pretty alien to me but the idea that nature is wonderful and always finds its balance wasn't - so nature and our magical universe are my higher powers. I find it easier to trust when I think that nature is in charge!
I would like to be healthy and thankful in my old age and yet I have felt tinges of resentments and loneliness because living with an alcoholic is tough. I think that if I want to be a person that I like in my old age, after all whatever happens I'm stuck with me, then I prefer to be happy and positively engaged, which allows me to enjoy my life and, as a happy consequence, give to the lives of others with more positives than negatives as well. That is how I have interpreted the 'selfishness' of the alanon programme. It sounds a bit childlike doesn't it?!
I find it useful sometimes to imagine that I have a friend in a similar situation and I consider what advice I would give her and then look to see if that advice might apply to my own life as well. For example I experienced a bit carer fatigue when I was looking after my mother. She was a wonderful person, simply dying, with grace, of cancer and yet I felt my resources becoming stretched and my temper and patience stretching as well. I took myself off for a day in the countryside and when I returned I was better able to give in a positive, life enhancing way. I think many of us want to give, and enjoying life with another person is a lovely way to give - but for me I do need to have some fun and create good memories at the end of the day in order to do this.
Weeks, I too have a spouse who is in recent recovery. He finished inpatient/outpatient in June and is doing very well with abstaining from alcohol and attending AA meetings. Sometimes two a day. However, as Iamhere stated the "ism" still remains.
The first 2-3 months were rough for both of us. I had the same feelings of rejection and we kind of had to get to know each other again in a whole different light. My husband was an alcoholic when we met and throughout our entire 18 year relationship. What helped me was attending meetings and coming to this forum. Seeing I was not alone and my feelings were normal helped tremendously. I also read a ton of articles and books on alcoholism and recovery so I could have somewhat of an understanding of what he's going through.
There have been many fights and many tears along the way. But I can honestly say things are much better now that I've learned to just let go. What will be will be. It sounds like your kids are younger so that is extremely hard with work, taking care of them, the house, etc while your wife gets to just concentrate on her recovery. Believe me I get it. It doesn't seem fair but something I read really helped me: if they are drinking there would be no marriage anyway. So at least without the drink she gets to save her life and there is a chance for the marriage to be good. Hang in there, it does take time.
