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I have not been on the boards in awhile. I was on here sharing for awhile, and sort of stopped because I was confused about my feelings about wanting to leave my alcholic spouse.
I found out things like he had been almost messing around with (at least, maybe completely messing around with) another woman etc and I finally got the nerve to tell him I wanted to leave him.
I took our seven year old child and went to my parents' house for two nights. When I tried to be nice and take him back to our home for a visit with my husband, he backed me into a corner and bullied me into not leaving by threatening to have our child taken away from me.
I have now spoken with an attorney and now know that the possibilities of him doing this are almost nil, but I am still scared to "pull the trigger" again.
I want out SO BAD but he is now wise to my ways and I am afraid that I will not be able to leave as easily this next time.
What if he grabs our child right THEN and takes him? I am so frightened that something terrible will happen. I feel very compelled to tell him that I am divorcing BEFORE I file so that he is not surprised out of the blue when he gets served.
I still care about his feelings and am obviously a little afraid that he will go crazy this time and not let me leave so easily. I also know that he will not leave unless ordered to legally.
There is no love or trust in this marriage. His drinking has subsided to very low levels, so he has not been physically abusive in over a year at this time. He has not been mentally abusive in about six weeks. But after fifteen years of dealing with it, there is no getting over it.
Has anyone else dealt with asking for a divorce from a volatile, frightening man? I should mention I am about 105 lbs and he is about 320lbs. He is very good at pushing my buttons andbullying me into a corner.
Last time I left I had our son in a safe place out of the house when I told him. He told me if I ever did that again, he would do "unspeakable acts of evil" to me that made the rest of the things he has done before look like nothing.
How did yall handle it?
I thought about having my brother be at the house, but I don't want him to get hurt as he is smaller and not nearly as crazy as my AH so wouldn't be able to defend himself against him should he turn on him.
I never asked for a divorce...I told them I was getting one and then followed thru. Asking them for a divorce put them in the drivers seat and kept me a passenger still. I don't think that is rational or reasonable...."Came to believe that a power greater than myself could lead me to SANITY". That is our 2nd step and I love it. Keep coming back and glad your experiences have been positive. ((((hugs))))
This is a very serious situation and I am sure you are wise to be cautious.
In Al-Anon we do not give advice except when there is threat of physical harm, and it sounds to me like the threat of physical harm here is serious. Please do not take it lightly. Much better to take it too seriously than too lightly. Women have died from taking it too lightly.
In many cases the man who wants to control his partner and keep her from leaving is spying on her actions. I would urge you to erase your browsing history and if at all possible get on the internet at the public library where he can't tail your actions.
Then I would make contact with your local domestic violence shelter. They have people who know everything about leaving volatile men. There is also the National Domestic Violence Hotline at http://www.thehotline.org/ or 1 - 800 - 799 - 7233. Some "Path to Safety" instructions are here: http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/
The domestic violence shelter will help you work out a safe plan. Usually it consists of getting a place to move to ready before you go, and then leaving with your children while your husband is out. You do not ever let him know where this place is. You then inform him from a distance, for instance by email, that you are separating. You will have worked out a plan for your safety, for instance if he shows up at your work (I don't know if you work) or at your relatives' houses. A restraining order might be advisable; the experts will help you figure out if and how.
I think it's important that you not tell him you're leaving while you're still in the house with him. That sounds like a very dangerous situation to me. It's also very important, once you've left, not to be lured back to the house or to meet him to get something, or "just to talk," or for any reason. I'm afraid that's a very common time for violent men to kill their wives.
It sounds like you also have realistic fears that he will run away with your son, or possibly even hurt him. The experts can advise you on how best to keep your son from having to go with his father. There are legal ways to keep this from happening. The system is not perfect but you often can prevent it.
Sometimes violent men will behave very gently and kindly and romantically to get their partners to trust them again, and then they turn on them violently. Someone on this site just posted a story like this - maybe someone else can find it because I can't seem to. Anyway, I hope you will take good care of yourself and not be lured by any sudden nice behavior on his part.
Please be safe. You are valuable and we can't afford to lose you.
-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 6th of October 2015 12:39:20 AM
-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 6th of October 2015 12:39:45 AM
I agree that it would be scary, but I would not ask for a divorce in person. I would leave and get settled and just have him served. Asking personally is only asking for a confrontation. Wishing you peace PJ.
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 6th of October 2015 04:30:39 AM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I have no thoughts here other than prayers and hugs for you! Mattie's got some wise words above - take care of you and your child.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't have any additional advice....Mattie pretty much gave you some great advice. I did want to tell you I am praying for you and your son. Take good care of you and your son. No need to tell him before you serve the papers. The way I see it, if he has already raised a hand to you...he doesn't deserve to be forewarned about you leaving or a divorce. Sending positive thoughts your way.
My XAH was a volatile man but he was never physically violent: just verbally and mentally abusive. I agree with everything that Mattie said above. I would consult with a domestic violence shelter first and see what advice they have to give you. I am so sorry you are struggling and hurting. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep coming back!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Get somewhere safe with your son and have him served, anyone who bullies you into a corner is abusing you and threatening violence is abuse! I am sending you prayers, love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This is just such a confsusing time for me, as all of the attorneys I have contacted say things like "This will be an awkward two weeks in the house with him while you wait for the temporary hearing," and stuff like that. I have never seen anyone else in my life go through this. Divorce, yes - but the men were always happy to duck out and stay out of the lives of the kids and mom. Mine will not do that. He will make everything hell for me as long as he possibly can.
I should have the $$ for the attorney in a matter of days so I can just have it ready for when I am ready to go file.
I just have no idea what is "normal" and what most people actually do. I do have a safe place all worked out, and have talked to shelters, the police, and lots of people. All of them say that I can't do anything like that unless there has been (physical) violence in the home in the last 30 days.
That sounds strange to me. I feel like if I don't feel safe and I am always worried about my son then I should be able to get help.
I will keep trying and praying and just hope that a clear change for my getaway comes.
It's terrible that so many of the services available in these situations seem to require us to wait until it happens again or "gets bad enough". I know when I was scared and wanting to leave, the situation was the same...to get any support from the domestic violence centers or shelters the violence had to have been committed that day and I had to turn up before close of business and prove that i did not have a safe place to stay that very night...and then then I could receive one nights accommodation...I really feel for you.
I remember having the very same thought...what do normal people do? And it seemed as if there just weren't any normal" people around and even the domestic violence helplines and shelters seemed to think if I wasn't being beaten to a pulp right there and then, there was nothing to worry about!
You will find a way PJ, and you'll get used to feeling safe and not being constantly worried for your son and you'll wonder how you ever managed to live this way. Just take one right action after another, and don't fall into the trap of waiting for it to get "bad enough". If you don't feel safe, it's already bad enough, and you deserve a lot better.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
