Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

uva25 · Member

companionship vs codependency

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

UVA25, welcome to MIP, glad you found us and shared! Want to
congratulate you on your progress with Al-anon and your reading
of the literature! Have you joined a local face to face Al-anon
group? http://al-anon.org/how-to-find-a-meeting, because you
will find that there you will get the support of the membership
and never feel alone. I do not, personally, feel that just because
you fear solitary living that there is anything wrong with you.
What I do think, is that you are worrying about the future and
your focus should be on yourself in the present time! {{HUGS}}
You are not alone and please keep coming back to talk with us
anytime! smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

UVA25 - I too commend you on your work in the program - keep that up and all answers will come!

As far as being concerned about "present company acceptable" mode - I think it is perfectly fine that you prefer to be with others. I don't think we aim to be alone and content with that, just that when we are alone, we are content and at peace. There's a difference in my view.

I do agree with Debb - stay in the present and don't worry about what comes next. It's amazing the 'realities' that my HP has revealed to me when I least suspected it!

(((Hugs))) - keep doing what you are doing and don't over-analyze where you are vs. where you are going. If you stay in today, and focus on the next right thing for today, you'll be amazed at where you go with no plans!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi uva,

I think you should feel any way you want, and if that's how you feel, then great. Keep exploring why you feel that way I would recommend.

In fact, I'm kinda the same way. In my younger days, I really wanted someone to share my life with. And I became desperate enough that, when I found someone, I stuck like glue, no matter how bad they were for me or I was for them. I didn't have a means for turning off that ache, or being able to ignore it for long enough to evaluate whether that person was good for me. So, I sometimes would get into bad relationships.

So if being with someone, anyone, becomes more important than who it is one is with, I believe that is where we start heading into co-dependency and potentially down the road to heartache. If you read on the boards here for awhile you will see many stories about this.

As Debb said, at Al Anon, you can start getting a better understanding of this. You will find other people that maybe are having some of the same thoughts you are. I have come to understand myself much better through Al Anon. and you could too.

Kenny

uva25 · Member

Thank guys! I appreciate the input and words of encouragement. I totally agree that just being with anyone is not good. I feel I've learned more of what I want, need and can tolerate through living with my AW. I hope she ends up being that person but I'm also strong enough now that I'm ok if she isn't. Logistical mess aside, I'm fine with being alone enough to find what I want in life, whether it's with her or not. I have a long way to go with myself but I'm headed in the right direction. I find myself enjoying being alone when I feel I've given up and am avoiding the chaos. It's when there is a lack of trust that being alone is not great. So I will work on being happy when alone despite of any issues with my AW but will realize which issues are not acceptable to me and decide if we can work on them together. If not, and they are boundaries to me, I'm fine leaving. Yes, I've found a few meetings that I like. I'm going back to one tonight and went to a great one Saturday night. Thanks again for all the encouragement!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

It's a very tough question to answer. We're all have varying degrees of wants and needs. Alanon is a journey of self discovery. From my personal experience, as I worked the program is that those continue to change as I keep growing. Growth spirts can result in longing for others to grow with us but people grown in their own time and their god's and not according to our expectations. My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance. It's up to each of us to determine what is and is not acceptable for us.

I think with time and experience in Alanon, along with working the step with a trusted sponsor and inviting our higher power into that process each of us determines a happy, joyous and free life. This is definitely not a one size fits all program. If you work it, you can't help but grow. I love our slogan Let It Begin with Me. There are so many opportunities within that slogan to know myself and my relationship to my hp and others.

I hope you find what will work for you for your life and your happiness. Keep coming back. TT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene