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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feel like I'm done too!!
Post Info TOPIC: Feel like I'm done too!!
Confused2379


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Feel like I'm done too!!
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I confronted my AH yesterday and was very angry.  He moved back in with me 3 weeks ago. Since then I have been walking on egg shells.  I have been trying so hard to stay out of his business.  But he is drinking so much more and staying out all night Again.  I told him if he came back there would be boundaries.  He thinks he should be allowed to come and go as he pleases, with no recriminations.  I told him NO contact with OW.  Well I found out he's been talking to her daily, still telling her he loves her.  I don't know for sure if he has been seeing her but I suspect.  Also there is a new woman in the picture.  I am so mad I could spit nails.  I don't want to be made a fool of again.  I'm afraid I already have!!!



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Jerry F


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Aloha Confused...I am sad with you as I get to re-feel my old feelings when my alcoholic/addict wife was being enabled by myself to have and feed her disease and I would nurture it with my taking care of her.  The anger and other negative feelings are real and natural and usual.  I have sat and listened to hundreds upon hundreds of others who have been affected by this disease...."we are not saints".   Its okay to call it quits and to turn away...its not only okay it is mandatory in order to gain and maintain your serenity and sanity.  Let him feel his pain.   Keep coming back to the MIP and Al-Anon FAMILY Groups so we can help nurture you....(((((hugs))))) smile  



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Confused2379


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Thanks Jerry.  I needed that hug.



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Iamhere


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So sorry confused for what you're going through. I agree with what Jerry says - I know it can be scary to consider leaving and starting over but it can't be any worse that what is unknown to follow with this disease. Stay close to your program and you will do the next right thing.

Detaching from the disease is at times a challenge but is possible! You deserve to be happy and find joy - no matter where you choose to live. (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Confused2379


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Thanks Iamhere.  I'm not sure I know how to detach.  I try to give him space. I don't know if that's detaching?  I'm trying to not obsess but I still question some of his actions.  I know I need happiness and joy in my life.  I'm very skeptical right now how to achieve that.  My sponsor wants me to write down what I want in my life. What are my desires to live a happy life.  Do NOT focus on AH.  Just what I want my life to look like.  I'm not sure I can even put this to paper.  My life has revolved around him for so long.  I don't know who I am by myself.  



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mjferg


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I have been where you are.I decided I was tired of being miserable and I started with very simple things.It all starts with one good decision and then another and another until it becomes a way of life.The first thing I did was make an appointment with a therapist,she helped me sort through a lot of feelings.I also wrote simple encouraging phrases on post it notes and read them several times a day.I was terrified,but I have gone back to school and I have learned that I can take care of myself,and I remember the feeling of not knowing who I was by myself because I took care of everyone but me.Focusing on myself didn't feel normal at first,but it does become more natural with practice.I guess what I am trying to say is each day I decide to make a healthy choice brings me closer to the person I am supposed to be.

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Mary
Confused2379


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Thank you Mary.  I have been thinking the same thing the last few days.  At my Alanon meeting the other night the discussion was detachment.  I asked what does that really mean.  I cannot picture it in my mind.  I would like to be able to do it.  Well the speaker read from Courage for Today, May 1st.   It spoke to me quite clearly.  I quote:  "Get off his back.  Get out of his way.  Get on with your life."   Powerful.   I haven't felt so calm in days.  And he has been on a binge since last night.  I do not think I will see him again until probably tomorrow.  It doesn't matter.  I am going to pack his stuff up and ask him to move out again.  I believe my HP has spoken to me.  



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SerenityRUS


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Confused - I have been almost exactly where you are at .. The cheating .. The back and forth .. What I can tell you is there is will be ups and downs emotionally for a while. It took me almost 1 1/2 years to really be able to fully say I was done. I couldn't connect my head to my heart. The drinking was bad .. It was the cheating that was the deal breaker for me. My heart was broken .. Really I was just shattered .. I mean why was I just so defective he couldn't love me back. I finally came to the conclusion his choices are his choices and bottom line they had less to do about me and more to do with his own brokenness. I did remove him from the house and more recently moved out of state with the kids. It's been 3 1/2 years he's remarried to another spin master .. Nothing has changed not really. Everyone has their own journey .. Stay or go .. It's a very personal answer. My answer was leaving I have no regrets. Life has opened up in ways I never imagined .. Private jets concerts .. The mind is blown lol. I'm not dating anyone. It is not always easy .. It is always worth itb and it .. Lol .. I'll have to post my story about the latest. Hugs you are worth it ..

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Confused2379


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Thank you Serenity.  I have followed your posts before so I have a little back ground on you.   I thank you for your courage.. I wish I could get that far.  

I feel a little stronger, but I don't know if I can follow through.  He always manages to twinkle his eyes and I cave.  He didn't come home (yet again) last night.  He went to a "friends" house to help her with a broken lawn mower.  Well that should have taken 1 hour.  Not all night.  He obviously slept there.  Or passed out.  He texted me this morning at 6:00 when he got to work.  He didn't even apologize.  He just said he fell asleep.  Well I'm sure he did right in her bed.  I can't take the infidelity all over again.  He just thinks I should accept his behavior and live on.  I can't.   I told him to pick up his clothes when he gets out of work today.  His response was "whatever!"  



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