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I'm dealing with my mom and I just straight up do not want to and I'm lashing out. Honestly it is those justifiable resentments that get me all the time.
It's to the point I have cut contact with her at this point I can tell she's being coached in responses via text (they are very rational compared to the messages I have been receiving). I have neither the time or the energy to try and placate her. After all .. this is all about her .. lol .. you would think if you were talking to her it was her divorce and she was the victim in the situation .. it's crazy to say to someone this is what I'm going through and have them respond back doesn't so and so know what they are doing to me? (me being her .. LOL) .. ummm .. didn't know she was the single parent of two minors.
I realize she's elderly .. I realize she is who she is .. however I'm not getting caught up in the whole issue of managing and manipulation. She's dangled carrots and yanked them away the strings are sticky and complicated and once you are in them .. it's worse than a spider web ... I'm not doing this dance with her anymore. I've done better in what I have said vs what I would have said a few years ago .. however there is nothing like having someone who should be in your corner wishing you would fail. That's what this is about .. I am not moving to San Diego and I haven't even told her about the job because that would be a whole other issue for her to focus her negativity on about how I am failing. So I have heard about how I haven't made good schooling choices. I haven't done right by the kids. I am to difficult and I deserve what I'm getting. Yes, .. that so makes me want to have contact on any level and no, .. I haven't been what some would consider a good daughter .. I sure don't deserve to hear that kind of crap when this is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
My behavior on a bad day is no less toxic than hers is on a good day. I'm trying to use the program to deal with my own behavior however this is what happens when I start to even think about having to be in the same state with her I start to have panic attacks. The best way I can describe it is I feel claustrophobic and I have to have my escape route. When she visits I literally have had to leave the house for hours .. when it comes to being in a small place OMGOSH that's a THOUSAND times worse .. I will walk 20 miles to decompress and that is no exaggeration. I did those kinds of miles when I was younger to stay out of the house away from her and my s.dad. I do not trust her. I absolutely should not trust her because she's not trustworthy on an emotional mental level. On a bad day I don't think I either like or love her. I come to this place of non-feeling for lack of a better term. I'm apathetic I think is the right word. It's a very weird place to be when thinking about someone I'm suppose to love and yet I have no idea what that even means. If this is where I was suppose to learn that term .. it was very confusing to say the least. I wonder what kind of example I set for the kids they know I'm kind of in a done mode with her. I tend to treat toxicity by cutting off or out the person I see as the issue. I've gotten better over the years however it is a pattern and I own that. Not as sever as it once was really and I see that is not the best way to handle relationships .. however I am still on baby steps as to how to even ask for help let alone figuring out relationships which is another reason I just don't need to be dating any time soon. This brings home how totally not ready I am.
NO .. I do not view it as a duty or honor to care for her .. I'm not even willing to go down that road right now. I don't know if I will have the maturity before I'm in my 60's to even begin to think in those terms. I've made it very clear I do not want contact with her right now .. If she continues I will block her completely .. that's the issue right there is she usually doesn't listen and pushes harder so I hope whomever is "helping" her with her wording says to her .. maybe you just need to back off for a bit and let it be. After calling me multiple times she then started bringing my daughter into it and that is not acceptable this is after texting me and me not responding. I made very clear that it is my choice not to contact her further. She's not to drag the kids into this at all.
I only shared with the kids that I'm struggling in how to appropriately handle this situation and that for the time being I'm in time out or I'll shove grandma off the nearest cliff .. LOL.
I'm keeping everything very clinical with her. The problem is for me it's very out of body experience in viewing it .. which can't be healthy. I become very cold and calculating. That's about the time I'm going for the emotional kill that is a total defense mechanism for me. I shut down in ways that scares me. I am a firm believer that if I don't communicate with someone it's for their own emotional mental safety as well as mine .. I just wish she would stop. I just have zero to give to her, time is going to have to take time.
It's to suffocating and I don't like how I feel because it's stifling.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity - (((hugs))) to you. This would be an awesome time to talk with a sponsor on a detailed and intimate level. When I go 'numb' it usually for me means that I am not processing, but instead I am in denial. If I am not processing, I am not healing. When I am not healing, my denial can and will affect my serenity/peace beyond that person, situation, event, etc.
I know your sponsor is sick right now and you might not have a back-up. You certainly have the right to choose who you engage with and who you disengage with. My only suggestion would be to do it with program tools and support vs. based on history, past events, resentments, etc.
Hope your great new job provides a wonderful distraction for you today and this becomes a 'smaller event'...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree with Iamhere and I do hope that the job is a helpful distraction for you! As she said, you have the right to choose who you engage with and in what means. When I have to make decisions like that I always check my motive. I make sure it lines up with what I have prayed for from my HP. Of course, it's never perfect and I sometimes know my motives are wrong and I do it anyway. But, every second of every day is a chance to start over and that's what I always do. Hugs to you today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I too have a difficult mother thst wants me to move down by
Her so i can take care of her and just be available. Once i signed
My lease here there was not much she could say. I have two jobs
And i need to heal. I kept tellling her over and over i am taking care
Of me And the word NO! She was getting mad at my attitude, too
Bad.
With my mother i keep the phone calls to 15 minutes now. Do
Not discuss my personal life at all. She was trying to micromanage
And control me from afar. She is a sick women that is highly
Dysfunctional and i say narcisstic. She attended alanon for 20
Plus years she must have had her ears and mind closed.
I am so happy for you and your new job. You are a brave and tough
Woman. I could not have done what you did i would not have had
The guts. I say God bless you for trusting the process.
When you live with abuse and come from it life after getting away is
Not so straight forward. I still need to work more with my therapist
Over the abuse issue its such an ugly and shame filled word.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to make meetings, I had been going during the day and really enjoying them. I hadn't found anyone I clicked with in terms of sponsor. The other thing is I don't want to burden my sponsor with this stuff because in the big scheme of things it's really not that important compared to what she's going through. I miss my sponsor so much right now and that's just me being very selfish. I'm going to have to find a Saturday morning meeting I think. The place I like to go doesn't have a Saturday Alanon meeting and the AA meeting is not open although they did offer to open it for me .. lol .. very sweet just don't think they are ready for me or vise versa.
I've set my phone up to reject calls and I won't see texts anymore so that's good. If she starts with the kids I can shut that down too .. I hope she doesn't go that far as I was very clear with her on my last correspondence.
The job is sooo much better than I have ever hoped for so that's beyond huge and I'm going to look into going back to school next fall to get my degree in my dreaded subject of accounting .. LOL. We'll see how that works out. I might even go as far as getting a masters .. just one thing at a time at this point. I do feel like I dropped about 20 lbs by just taking the stand that no is no. I was so floored today .. turns out they are looking to hire full time which I had hoped it might happen before the end of the year .. that would be beyond huge.
Soooo we'll see how that goes .. just taking it a day at a time .. had some big laughs today and I felt ohh so important as I am included in all kinds of meetings .. I used to think .. WOW that looks kind of cool and now .. all I can think is OMGOSH .. my brain will explode because I can't take in any more information at this point .. LOL .. they are throwing terms out there that I have never heard so this is a learn as you go deal for me. I'm learning .. slowly but surely .. LOL. Yes, .. I literally did not get out of the door until 2pm for lunch and that is flat out crazy!!
Anyway, other than that .. it's all good. Just trying to take my time and figure things out as they come .. so far so good. Hoping that tomorrow will be even better!!!
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
