The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello out there, it's been a long time since I've been here. Last year I was changed to the graveyard shift at work. To make the prologue a bit shorter, it had a very bad effect with my health issues. Just a few months ago I finally was able to return to daytime hours and am trying to get my health to a better place... If that's even possible without changing jobs, since I work in a very negative, sometimes hostile environment. That's not really very unique anyway, since I'm sure many of you know how that is...
Nothing has changed too much since the last time I visited. In fact, all I could think of when mulling this post over was "like riding a bike," or "like a fish to water." Actually I feel more like a metaphor, because I've been treading water for a number of years now.
I can't remember where I read this, I'm thinking Melody Beattie(sp?), but somebody said something like "they're addicts and we're addicted to them..."
Yes, the A is still holding the living room hostage. He finally got himself arrested at the beginning of August. The jeep was then impounded, and then signed over to the towing place since I had no money to get it out. He is supposed to turn himself in on the 15th of this month and will serve apparently a week of jail time. Since his arrest, he has sworn off alcohol for now, but ramped up his game playing to compensate. There are occasional flashes of awareness, but they remain flashes. He has finally been able to talk to his daughter from who he was estranged for over 10 years, and he was so happy and thankful, and I started getting my hopes up that this might motivate him to see the good things out there for him. It didn't last however. He started playing a game that then just didn't seem to allow him the time to keep in touch with her, or anyone in this house. For the most part he is content sitting on the former sofa, which he's pushed up to the TV, which is now his computer monitor, and talks only about the happenings on the game, and how he's being groomed to go pro! Isn't that awesome!
But what am I doing? I just seem to have gone back to being really angry at his lack of communication or effort, and continue my routine as usual of going to work, feeling generally sick and exhausted, and dissatisfied with myself and the life I've chosen to live. There's a general knowledge of what I'm doing and maybe I have an idea of why I might be doing these things. Today I kept thinking of how in my own way I'm mirroring the A's activities in my own self destructive fashion. I look around at this house and remember how I was so happy to move here 41\2 years ago, before he moved in. Now I see the damage he caused in his rampages, the burnt holes in the carpet, the sofa that I was so glad to have, and so on. And most of all, I see how I allowed it to happen and continue on its path of destruction.
I want to change my ways, and start anew. The problem is that my own addiction to the A has left me backed into a corner, and my resources are so depleted that it's hard to survive let alone try to get out of this trap that I set myself.
((((Love and encouragement))))....you know what we know that if nothing changes...nothing changes. Pray your health does...mind body spirit and emotions.
RJ, glad to hear from you and sorry that you are dealing with health issues and, it seems, the same issues with the A in the livingroom. It maybe time to rework the Al-anon steps? The change in hours and the stress that it has caused you, may have depleted you mentally and physically, Al-anon mediatations, slogans and steps could help renew you! {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome back RJ - glad you found the courage to share. While we can still breathe and walk and type and talk, there is HOPE. There is always HOPE so long as we believe. I can feel how 'stuck' you feel and agree with Debb - walking back into the program, just for you, and being willing to surrender to this disease might be the nudge you need to be different, do different and feel different.
So very sorry that you are where you are. However, you wrote this post so you are aware of where you are. Now, just a small bit of self-care action and you get can to the other side. Do something super nice just for you today. A nap, a walk, a treat, a bubble bath - do something just for you. Start small and use this program to put you first.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone! Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome back! And like Jerry says. "nothing changes if nothing changes." Choose one thing to change. It doesn't have to be a big thing or major change. Just one thing today to give you some hope and happiness.
Keeping coming back Raven. And keep thinking how you are thinking. When we are ready for change, something changes in our thinking. perhaps you have heard that in Al Anon we say there has to be awareness, acceptance, and then action, in that order. Going out of order on those can land me back on square one. Actions without the proper preparation and understanding that nothing will change unless I change, odften are short-lived and not perseverant.
Keep up that awareness and acceptance, go to some meetings, and the action will become apparent. That's what has happened in my life, anyway.
