The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what it is, but for some reason, I don't feel like I've been very clear on here. This just hit me and I have to ask... what do you do when:
Your AH doesn't do anything wrong but want to be left alone to watch TV and drink? Here's the nightly scenario- he comes home from work on weekdays and just wants to sit and drink. The kids don't really have much to do w him anymore because of the vibe he gives off. He's not mean to them but you can just tell his chair, tv, and beer are his comfort zone. As for me, we really have 0 contact. I just leave him alone. Every so often, during evening, he'll find the "right" time to head outside to his car or garage for what I believe is to drink some vodka. (I told him a year ago no more hard liquor) so now he sneaks it. I know this for a fact. So what do u do when the A retreats?? Detach myself? He would care less. All that would do is give him more of what he wants.... on weekends, he runs off to the country club first chance he gets to play golf or sit in clubhouse and drink all day w his friends. Me and the kids are not priority in his life and never have been. So detach? I don't think that's the answer.
-- Edited by beacheemom on Saturday 3rd of October 2015 10:53:43 AM
Detachment, I agree is the answer! Detaching is not about the A - it's about you. Just because my husband chooses to isolate in his man cave and do whatever he's doing doesn't mean I have to do nothing. I go to meetings, lunch with friends, outings with my kids or grand-kids, run errands, work out, go on a walk, work in the yard.....Detaching is the opportunity to live your life no matter what he is or is not doing.
The more I 'think' about what he or they (my son's are As too), the less I am focused on me. The program suggests I keep the focus on me - so that's what I do. I also love to read and I also enjoy listening to music, naps, etc. Treat yourself as your detachment....it works wonders for peace of mind!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There is no right answer. Only what's right for you and your circumstances. I would not stay with someone like that. But I know marriage and kids make things challenging and it's a difficult set of circumstances. If not leaving, detachment probably is your best tool.
The question I'm guessing you're kind of asking is "What do I do to express my anger when my A behaves like that?" Because our first thought is what we do in response to the drunkenness.
In the moment, expressing our anger doesn't get us anywhere but deeper in the chaos and pain. Ultimately, working on our recovery will help us use our anger to make our lives better.
What detachment is about is not letting his state affect your state. So he's sitting there in a pile of laziness, denial, and selfishness. "Detaching" is not getting sucked into trying to change that before you can be happy. Because as you know, if we could change it, we would have done it long ago. And if we wait to be happy before that changes, we could be waiting a very long time. Generally we have been waiting a very long time.
But by detaching, and freeing your emotions from him, you can still have a good day, despite that pile of selfishness watching TV. You can still do things that feed your soul and that make you happy. You may know the expression "Living well is the best revenge." So if you want to think about it as getting one up on the drunkenness, that works. It's about not letting the drunkenness ruin our lives as well as their lives.
Sometimes detachment starts with actions, and the emotions follow. So the question is: what could you do today to make you happy? Then that's the thing to do.
I agree with the others. Detaching is hard and at first, I detached with anger not love. I am recently out of my 20 year alcoholic marriage. I gave up the country club, my morning tennis with the ladies, traded in my luxury SUV for a simpler car, and I now work 40 hours a week at a thankless low paying job ....I wouldn't trade any of what I have for where I was a year ago. My XAH was not as passive as yours, though, and it became difficult living with him over the years.
The answer that is right for you will come over time. For now, I would focus on just staying busy with the kids, finding recovery meetings for yourself, and just generally learning to live life as best you can and accept it as it is for today. You don't have to have all the answers today, right now. Finding your way to acceptance and working on detachment is truly the best solution when living with active alcoholism.
Hugs and support to you. I know where you are, many of us here have been there. You are not alone.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank u ALL. I have put up with this for 20+ years and cannot detach living w him. I just can't do it. I believe I am already detached. HE has detached himself from us!!!! I'm leaving tonight w the girls ( our kids). I really don't have to give him any reason. I will not leave mad and will not get into argument. That's what he wants. He wants that so he can blame me. I'm done. I have no more to offer him. Time for me and our girls.
There is certainly no obligation to stay with him!
Through experiencing this myself and seeing others go through it, I've found that separating from the A is best done carefully and with a plan for the days ahead. Not to say that you can't just up and leave (and in cases of violence, obviously upping and leaving would be urgent). But what I've seen (and felt) is that in a great energetic burst of anger we get up the energy to leave, but then things are hard out there and we don't have a proper place to live and we start to feel lonely. And a weird thing happens where we forget all the bad stuff about the A and remember nostalgically all the good stuff, and yearn for that. That's a very tricky moment and I had it happen to me so many times. Many people go back to their A's at that point (as I did). And the A starts out all loving and more responsive, and for a day or two we think the problems are solved, and then they start up again... If I had only left my A and stuck with it the first time, I would have been a lot better off a lot sooner. But I didn't anticipate these things hitting me. I left in a fit of anger and then when I had cooled down I was so confused. That doesn't happen to everyone, but it was my experience. I wish I had planned ahead so when I left, I stayed gone! Take good care of yourself.
Mattie, is correct, that you are not under any obligation to stick it out and work the program if you are that disgusted. The only thing that is sticking in my mind is that you are very upset right now, and that is not always a good frame of mind to be in, when you make life changing decisions for you and your children.
-- Edited by Debb on Saturday 3rd of October 2015 07:19:26 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Departing is a form of detachment, so if that's what makes best sense for you (and girls), then that's probably your best next step.
My point was that saying of, "No matter where I go, there I am" applied for me. Until I worked on me in Al-Anon, I was destined to repeat the same choices, behaviors, actions and reactions. I have stayed with my AH and detached while in the same home. It wasn't easy but possible as we have 3 stories and places to physically separate. Without the space, I may have also left or asked him to do so. I did ask and he refused so that gave me other options to consider.
The good news is we do understand. Working the Al-Anon program is not about learning to deal with the A in your life - it's about learning how to deal with life on life's terms as a person affected by alcoholism. Whether you stay, go, return, divorce, etc. I am one who still thinks you might benefit from recovery as you've been in the disease with your A for so long. There are wounds that are deep when we endure this disease and the wounds do not heal without some level of 'treatment'.
(((Hugs))) to you - know that we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I didn't realize departing is a form of detachment. I really do think I have been detaching for years now and didn't even realize it. My youngest and I came to my dad's for the evening. She's been wanting to stay the night here so we are staying the night. My middle daughter wanted to stay at home which I can understand. She's just at the age where she likes to be near all her things. My oldest is out w a friend and will prob either go home or stay w me and the youngest. I'm not saying this is permanent. All I know is today. Not tomorrow or the next day. AH knows something is up with me; i mean he knows where I'm at but he's unsure why I'm where I am. . He has texted me no less than 10 times since I left earlier.
Well, I am glad you are in a safe place and taking this time out. Iamhere, is right on the money,
because we should work the program for ourselves, it helps us to grow and understand our
own destructive thought patterns so that we stop making bad decisions. Al-anon 12-steps has
made such a hugh difference in my life, the way I view and react to life, good and bad. I appreciate
all that my HP has given me and all the lessons that I have learned along the way. Would like that for
you and your children. It has been recommended that once a person is going to f2f meetings and
working the program, that a 6 month timeframe is usually needed before any life changing
decisions are made, because of the clarity the program brings to that decision making process.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
