The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I first posted on here, I've joined face to face Al-anon groups and have identified a sponsor as I've decided to throw myself fully into this programme as i realize even more now how I need help for me and how out of control my own life has become and I have allowed things to get.
I thought I was doing ok-ish, but realize I am very much struggling and last few days have been trying to get through some difficult emotions as I realize i'm once more getting sucked into focusing and obsessing on my partner rather than me.
To cut short: Been with partner over one year and all of that he was active alcoholic with multiple hospital admissions, denial, abuse, lies,everything you all know about along with a past of multiple and serial relationships that he has jumped from-one to the next -with no gaps, all have gone wrong due to drink and also he has two children from a previous marriage he chooses not to see. He has been alcoholic 15-20 years.
He has done 3.5 months in rehab and it has definitely had an effect and he is now talking like he is 'cured' saying how he will never return to that life, its now gone, thoughts of drinking repulse him etc etc. He has embraced the recovery culture fully and speaks highly of the mentors, gives me advice and has extended his stay for a couple extra months, which is great but I'm pretty sure when he comes out Xmas he is expecting me to move in with him and or buy a house. I feel this is high risk right now.
I've been getting upset as I've traveled to see him in rehab many times, and after my recent holiday away I was ill and in hospital and so hadn't seen him for four weeks and he decided he was going to go to a recovery conference the first weekend I was better instead of coming to visit, now he is visiting, but I felt hurt and he has apologized.
I've always considered how he may not want to come back to the area and I'm ambivalent myself about being with him after everything that's taken place and have been trying with the 'just for today' mantra, but suddenly I've been hit with all these insecurities that I'm struggling to manage.
Whilst he is doing very well it appears, I feel nervous maybe to accept that after 3.5-5 months he will be fine. Has anyone had experience where their partner went to rehab and was positive and then came home, what happened?
I'm not sure why i'm feeling like this and i have been trying to read things and focus on me but I'm struggling.
His family and what friends he has, aren't bothered about me at all, I know that, they are only interested in him and sometimes that's hard, but I accept its not about them. I feel some have actually enabled and also as he is also quite a self absorbed individual on top, as i'm sure alot of addicts are, some fuel this issue also.
He sees himself as a decent,romantic, poetical, sensitive type who wants to do good and he is, but there is another side which i'm always reminded off from previous events and especially as he has no interest it appears in his two children who he hasn't seen for over 1 year and both are under ten. He told me once they weren't everything to him and recently how I was very much apart of his future and maybe a new addition, but not them, which doesn't sit well with me I have to admit.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be very welcomed and thank you very much in advance.
Carmel, it would seem that you are worried about living with this individual come December of this year. You have a few months to continue the focus on yourself and work the Al-anon program. The answers will come more readily as the time approaches, and if you are, at that time, still doubtful that you want to take up residency with this man, then don't. Instead of worrying right now, I would keep the focus on myself and my own recovery. {{{HUGS}}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Try to figure out what YOU want. If you want a partner who focuses on you and makes you the center of his life, then this guy doesn't seem like he is up to it. As I read your note I am taken with the idea that we always give our writers on this web site.... read your note as if it were a friend of yours that wrote it and you are the outsider. What advise would you give this friend if she wrote about her partner the way you have written about this partner.
And don't rush!!! Give yourself the gift of time. He may expect a house at Christmas, but that doesn't mean you have to provide him a house at Christmas. You don't have to move in with him to prove that you want a relationship. It sounds like you have different priorities than he does. Figure out what that is and if it is something that you can live with.
You say that there is another side of him that you are reminded of, and that implies that you are not comfortable with his history. Work it out in your mind. Either you can handle his "character" or it repulses you or something in the middle. Figure it out.
Live your life. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your life. Be happy. Surround yourself with people who make you happy too. Keep going to your meetings too. Those people will show you what true friendship is.
