The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I hope that I don't offend anyone by saying that it's SO much harder to "let go", to stop trying to control, come up with solutions and "fix" the addicted person when that person is a beloved child. My husband suffered for many years with alcohol/drug problems. He's doing well now and has been sober for many years. I went through a lot with him, but I can honestly say that going through this with my son is so much harder.
With my husband, there was always the option of saying "that's it, I've had enough" but I can NEVER say that to my own flesh and blood! So what do we do? My son is now refusing the help that is offered him (a sober living home) and prefers to be homeless. He avoids my calls ever since I quit sending money and said I will only help if it supports his sobriety. It breaks my heart to think I may lose touch with him and even worse, may never see him again. I heard Dr. Phil say this one day (corny-yes) but he said "at what point would you stop looking for your child if they were lost in the dark, when would you give up?" My son is so lost!
Can anyone relate? Please pray that my son will seek help.
I can relate, and never gave up on my son. He lost his life to this disease despite my best efforts. Knowing that I was powerless ,Alanon meetings, Steps, Slogans a sponsor all helped me to maintain my sanity
I can completely relate to what you are saying. I will never give up on my daughter but I do realize and most days accept that I have to step aside, live my life, ,maintain my serenity at whatever cost because to date every thing I have done for her said to her has changed NOTHING! I believe that praying, holding love and respect for her decisions and allowing her the dignity of her choices is me not giving up on her. I will continue to encourage her like I try to do with every person who is struggling but I cannot do it for her. It is a very very difficult path to walk.
I will never give up on my son but I will step back and let him live his life as he chooses. I tell him I love him and will support his recovery but will never again step in to support his disease. I told him I can't compete with his demon and will never again try to. He will be welcome with love and open arms as long as I don't ever see his disease. Keep it to yourself and we will get along fine. Don't ask me to support it, love it, enable it because I won't anymore.
He knew my boundaries....respected them and went to prison because of his choices.
My son knows I love him dearly and now after two years I pray that he will come out of prison a better man.
Take care of you and get the help you need in Al-anon to make better choices for you and it will help your son.....I promise.
(((( hugs ))))
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Thursday 1st of October 2015 08:57:10 AM
Thanks for the supportive words! It does help to know that I'm among MANY who suffer because of worry and fear about their child! Today is the day that he goes back on the street. He has been with a family friend, but she has a (paying) renter coming in today. She had arranged for him to get in a sober living home, but he said he would be staying with a "friend" instead. That means sleeping on the beach and hanging with the same crowd he was with 3 months ago when he was arrested for possession which led to two months in jail! When he was with her, I had a lifeline, she would let me know that he was OK, looks sober, seems upbeat etc. Now, I fear I will lose touch with him. I am in freak-out, panic mode and just can't shake it off! Please pray that he will "come to his senses" before it's too late!
*carolm)) Please, please search out alanon meeting and attend. Keeping the focus on any subject that we are powerless over, is destructive to all our other relationships as well as our own mental health.
Acceptance of this disease and life on life's terms helped me to leern to focus on my own health and well being. I learned that this is my first obligation, so that when the time comes I can share my healthy being with others.
I remember the many days of freak-outs, panic attacks, anxiety and fear. For you to do these things does not help him one bit does it? Well that was with me too. I was a mess and my son was partying with alcohol.
I remember Hotrod telling me to say the serenity prayer over and over and let go. I remember CanadianGuy telling me " He is going to drink or he's not....What are you going to do " I remember JerryF saying " practice, practice, practice " And my readings of the many books of Al-anon to help me get strong.
This one really hit me in the beginning.
July 14 in The Little Blue Book ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON:
Wise words from an AA who counsels with families of alcoholics: Yes, the alcoholic CAN be forced to go sober.
The spouse: But Ive tried everything. He wont listen to reason. Ive yelled and complained, paid the bills, threatened to leave nothing works.
Of course not. This is YOU applying the force, and that never works. I suggest you STOP taking action. The only force that can change the alcoholics pattern is the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to react any longer. When he cant count on your helping him, when you WONT assuage his guilt by fighting with him, and you refuse to get him out of trouble, then hell be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try INACTION instead of constantly figuring out SOMETHING TO DO about him.
TODAYS REMINDER
It is not easy to restrain ourselves from reacting to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
God helps those who dont try to take over His work.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I agree completely that it's harder to detach from a child vs. a husband.
I would go to bat with my son. I would go to war with my son. I would fight this disease with him as best I know how. The issue is my fighting it alone has never, ever worked - irregardless of whom the disease is affecting directly.
I too will send prayers and positive thoughts for you both. It's heart-breaking to watch the path of destruction the disease takes, but you are not alone and you can choose recovery. I also suggest finding a good home group and attending as many meetings as possible.
(((Hugs))) to you - we are all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello,
I am too new to Alanon and still struggling to really add much, but I wanted to join in some kind of support to you...
I also have a young adult child as an active qualifier and am grateful for this forumn. It's helps, granted in a bittersweet way, to know "you're not alone."
Alanon books, forumns, ect. are helping me to understand the maladaptive ways of enabling I often confuse with Love... and helping me to understand the importance of "letting go."
HI, Yes it does help to know that you are not alone. The thing that strikes me is how so many of our stories are similar. The same themes occur over and over!
I will say that after coming to this website, I was able to say NO to my son. That was just a few weeks ago and I honestly believe that it has had a positive effect on the situation! I have been able to stop meddling and trying to jump out in front of every situation to come up with a solution for him! We have a long way to go, but my son says now that he's ready to get help! He knows that I love him no matter what is going on in his life!!
Cathyinaz- Your suggestion of "inaction" really resonated with me. I struggle with an alcoholic adult child as well. I'm not powerful enough to force him to change.
Carolm- Thanks for the inspiration. It's nice to hear that saying "no" is working. I have made lots of progress in handing his problem back to him, but I still struggle with "What can I live with?" in my own home.
Well, I'm still waiting for my son to have that "moment of clarity" again. The only time he says that he wants to get sober is when he's in jail!! He was arrested for possession, AGAIN, and San Diego county dropped charges!! They just kept him from Friday until his arraignment the next Tuesday! He was prepared to ask the judge if he could stay in jail until he could get in a treatment program, but they AGAIN released him to the street!
So, predictably, he's back at it!! I haven't talked to him in four days. We have always stayed in touch and when he avoids me, I know he's using! Every day I wonder, will today be the day that he gets arrested again or that I get even worse news. Actually, getting his arrested was a relief!! The first thing he said when he called from jail this last time was "well, mom at least now you know that I'm safe".
Waiting and wondering what's next is so hard! I want to drive out and pick him up off the street and keep him safe........that would be a fool's mission I guess. I'm not even sure where to look for him! My only solution now is to keep busy and try to live my life, enjoy my other children and grandchildren, But all of us worry constantly about the youngest the one who has yet to find his place in life. He's 28 years old and has nothing. He's a pleasant, handsome and intelligent guy who has always struggled. Drugs and alcohol are his escape from reality.
Please pray for him to seek help and for all of us to find peace while we wait for that day .
Carolm - Continued prayers for you and your son from me too! (((Hugs))) for you and I too understand. I've got one who is out there as well and another who is in early recovery. All I know to do is to hand them both over to my HP and pray for their journey to be as it should be....(not how I want/wanted it to be).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can so relate to this......when my alcoholic son goes on a binge and i have to make hard decisions..........my mind goes back to the 1st time that I felt him move in my womb.....My God, it was such a spiritual moment that I can't even put into words. If it were an alcoholic husband, I could just kick his a$$ out, but this is my CHILD and I feel responsible for him and his well being. Then logic kicks in and tells me that I am no longer responsible for his actions.......he has to make his way thru this world on his own (taking the values that I tried to instill in hm in his upbringing.)
And at that point in time I say over and over:
GOD GRANT ME THE SERINITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS i CANNOT CHANGE,
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS THAT i CAN AND
THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
....all that said, I do cry myself to sleep many nights and ask GOD "where did I go wrong?"
Please know that whenever I see a post regarding an addict child I send prayers of peace and comfort to that parent. I can't imagine how hard that must be.
Thanks to everyone here for your thoughts and prayers! I FINALLY heard from my son yesterday via a message on Facebook. He goes to the public library from time to time and uses the computer. (I now know that's where homeless people go to charge phones.) His message said " I love you, I want to talk to you. My phone is broken and I can't get another (free) one." His message from last week said, "I'm about ready to come in off the street" so I know he's alive and reaching out!
I truly believe that once I "woke up" to the fact that my sending cash was only enabling him.... things started to change! It's getting harder for him and that hurts me to know that he is suffering, but he just would have kept on with his delusions that much longer had I not changed my behavior. He knows now that he can't lie to me as he had for YEARS. Oh my goodness, the stories he came up with and I believed them!!!!!
I am praying that he gets to a phone today and that we can agree on a plan to get him some help!
P.S. If you are the mother of an addict, you may want to visit "The Addict's Mom". That website along with this one have helped me a LOT
This is so familiar...homeless son, in and out of jail, sleeping in the only shelter that will still accept him but is a nightmare itself. He professes the desire to go to treatment but the process here seems lengthy and in the meantime he still drinks and hangs out with other addicts rather than go back to that shelter. He took an assessment for treatment but it's taking so long to get the results and recommendations. Winter is coming and I am going south for the winter as we always do. Leaving him this fall will be difficult. I saw him for the first time in 3 years and it was heartbreaking. When we parted I had the strong feeling that I might never see him alive again.
Continued prayers and positive thoughts for all of us with wayward children. Mine is avoiding me and that is typically not good news. However, he does know how to reach out and how to surrender and I've placed him in God's hands.
Hope continues in my prayers and remembering how powerless I am surely helps me in the tough moments.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
