The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things are starting to get ugly. My "a" has demanded overnights with the boys and I'm so not comfortable about it. He says he'll take me to court if he has to. I know this girl has been pressuring him to fight for his rights to see them, but I can't trust him. He's lied about the affair and he's lied on so many other issues. He's still drinking and using marijuana, and this place he's living at is a hotel in the downtow area, not very condusive for children. So I've contacted an attorney and I meet with him Thursday. I want to know legally if there is anything I can do to put supervised visitation in place. If not, then I'll have to figure out another alternative. Leaving the area has crossed my mind even though I have everything here. This girl is also a victim of sexual abuse and assault and he told me she couldn't stand up for herself to call the police. If she can't protect herself how is she going to protect my kids.
She also smokes marijuana occassionally from what he says. All his friends drink and smoke pot. I'm not over reacting I don't think, yes I have a broken heart and yes I definitely don't want another woman around my children right now, but I also have an addict that is not thinking rationally right now. Does anyone know the law about visitation and non custodial parents that are alcoholics. I don't have documentation that anything has happened while they've been in his care, but I have left for the evening and he's been drinking and had a friends come over and get high. I'm really scared right now and just need some ESH. Thanks for listening.
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I don't think you're over reacting at all. Any mother would want their children to be safe and his place does not sound like a safe place at all. I don't know how the law works, it amazes me sometimes what people are allowed to get away with. Just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you.
(((((momma))))) i do know a little about the system for my state, however i cant tell you if your decisions or outcomes will be the same as mine, this is just my experience.
I live in california, and my x-husband and his second x-wife both smoke pot and drank. There is no law again drinking, however the courts did frown upon it. The requested that we he does not drink at all when my son is with him, however, there is no way to enforce that, it is only a request, no laws can make him no drink. In regards to the pot, here in californina, you can request a drug test be done if you have a valid reason for requesting one. As I understand it, he can say yes or no to taking the test. In regards to her smoking pot or drinking, the court could really care less when i brought that up. A friend of mine, in the same situation, had thier children taken away from them due to her current husbands drug abuse, but i think it was because he had been convicted of drug related crimes. I think that each case if different, and i know whole heartedly how bad it hurts and how scary it is to let your children go to a place you dont feel they will be safe.
In regards to the supervised visits, i dont know much about them as we've never had to do them. What i do know though is, with no court order in place, he has no right to take the children from your home, and you dont have to hand them over either, or so i was told from a sherrif. How they see it, they dont have an reason to take the kids from one parent and give them to the other as long as the kids are in a safe place where they are, they wont, at least that is what happened with us. I can't tell you that is the best thing for you to do, it's totally up to you what you do, you are their mom, and they are trusting you to make the best decision you can for their welfare. I would definetly pray on it and talk it over with my sponsor before i made any kind of decision though.
For me, if i woulda had alanon at the time i went through my divorce, the best thing i coulda done when going through all that crazyness, would have been to step back from it emotionally. Looking back, i put myself through so much hell that i coulda avoided if i woulda known the right way to handle all the fears and expectations. Just keep your attention here and now, One Day at a time, this too shall pass. You wont be facing this forever even though it feels like it right now. Stick close to your program, let god take care of it for you, and you and your kids will be exactly where you are suppose to be.
u did right, calling attorney.........maybe somehow in the meantime get proof?? of their drinking/ drugging....i can't see the courts favoring THAT crap....and the g.f. doing pot??? i think i would begin gathering evidence as much as i could from here on in.....just in case u need it for court battle........i am so sorry u have to go through this, and even sorrier for the poor children......my heart goes out to them especially.....with all that garbage going on aroudn them, they will be in 12 steps b4 long......soooo sad for u and them...........peace/ rosie
I have a friend who is in a similar circumstance. Until you work your way through the legal stuff is to "offer" him visitation under circumstances you would agree to.
- at your place
- at a park
- a resturant
... or whatever. Do it in writing what you are comfortable with and why. It would show that you are not trying to keep the kids away from him, but that you have valid concearns. The advantage you have is a clear mind.
Just like everything else, he will rant and rave over anything you do. Might as well not compromise yourself here. You and your kids deserve it!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Unless he has a court order...it is my knowledge that you do not have to let him see the kids at all. Did he move out without filing for divorce? Because unless he filed with the court...you could leave or refuse to let him see the kids. I wish I would have left. My A filed on me so that I cannot take my daughter out of the state. But all is fair if nothing is filed yet.
I can certainly understand your concern and I don't think you are over reacting at all. When it comes to the care and safety of our minor children when in an addicts hands.......I don't think there's such a thing as over reacting.
I'm sure your attorney will know exactly what to recommend you do. The laws differ from state to state, so I don't know the procedure in your state for something like this. I am sure you are not the first person to be in this situation with the courts, and I'm sure you won't be the last.
Hang in there and trust your HP to guide you in knowing what the right thing to do is.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
It is important that you are the first to file for divorce. The person who files first gets to set a lot of the conditions. The other person can only protest conditions of the initial filing. When you file, you are allowed to plead that you children not stay overnight as long as the couple isn't married.
Since my divorce process lasted nearly a year, my ex and his g.f. were not allowed to keep the kids at their house for the duration of the divorce proceeds. I was even able to get sole custody of the kids. However, the day after the divorce was final, my ex married his g.f., and then I had to allow my children to stay overnight (inspite of the pot and booze).
As others have said, the best thing to do is to see a lawyer in order to find out the laws for your state. Hang in there. I know this isn't easy.
What state are you in? Were you married to A? Are the 2 of you divorced? These will make a difference re the supervised visitation you want.
The facts you are raising are important ... Write them down and indicate next to each fact what proof you have. ANything in writing? Any persons with knowledge other than you on whom you can truly rely if they would have to be a witness in court? Emails back and forth with your A around visitation, etc would leave a good paper trail for your atty to use. Provide this written info to your atty and ask him/her what kind of facts would be most persuasive to the judges in your jurisdiction.
Denying visitation, even if there is no court order, would not look good for you to many judges. I agree with the posting that said agree to visitation, but choose a public place like the one suggested -- I agree this helps you to look reasonable to the court in terms of dad's access to the kids, but clarifies your concern.
Trust your gut ... if it doesn't feel right, then that is all you need to know.
