The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter, 23, has been struggling for about 6 years - I thought it was just adhd, then borderline bipolar, then a 5150, then etc.
Most recently, she came home in November, and I thought we were on a good track. Then she started losing weight and met p with a former fling - a released convict with a meth habit. In the beginning of July, she left the house as I couldn't take the violence. lies, or having this loser around. They drove off in the car, a car I own, and have been on the street since then. Most recently the car was stolen - and now they are on the streets. She didn't see me or talk to me until this car- their haven was gone. Now she is contacting me - crying, on the street, sleeping on the sidewalk, claiming hunger, cold etc. Claiming also that she is sober - and he is too. I don't believe it and the two times I have seen her she called me names, flipped me off, etc.
How do I craft a sentence to get through to her that I will help with medical help - get treatment, get away from this loser... But she won't leave him as she is addicted to him more than the drugs.
Today, a text message, to help with food.
I am trying to hold out for her to hit rock bottom and realize this path is bad and has no hope, but I am weakening.
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share.
In Al-Anon, we work hard to get out of the way, and allow those we love to hit their bottom. In the past we have all enabled our loved ones, and it has failed time and time again.
We do not offer each other advice, but I strongly encourage you to step away from the phone, only exception is to find a local Al-Anon meeting. Getting active in Al-Anon will help you be able to respond with empathy, love and grace without enabling or getting pulled into the insanity.
If you absolutely can't 'stand it', you can look up shelters, and direct them accordingly. My experience with showing up on the street to hand over food resulted in my homeless son jumping in my car and refusing to get back out. Which gave me a new set of issues - call the police or take him where he wanted to go....
They can get food and shelter at a shelter. If you feel you 'must' share about the guy, I wouldn't bother - I would say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it meanly. I've also had this situation and my experience was that I told my son that I loved him and would help him with recovery only. I would not extend that help to the gal, as she needed to find her own journey. I stated my facts without passing judgement on the company he was keeping. He declined the help at the time as she was more important than food, shelter, help, etc.
I am sorry this disease has affected your family as it has. It's a powerful, sneaky disease that is progressive. You can recover and find peace even if your daughter does not. We learn the 3 C's early in our program - 1. We didn't cause this, 2. We can't control it, 3. We can't cure it.
So glad you are here! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Kasla)))) You can read back over the stories and responses who have found success in the past under similar circumstances and take what you like to use yourself. Some of the success stories from recovering alcoholics are real miracle. I wish you daughter finds hers. Until then tell her you cannot help without her help included and will not help if she won't. Prayers being sent. ((((hugs))))
I have no answers or advice for you other than to share my own experience.....when I notice that my AH son is drinking, I put the car inside the fenced driveway, paddlock the driveway gate. In the past, I put the car inside the locked fence but AH son cut the lock & chain off with bolt cutters......well that only happened once because I'm a quick learner, I will not leave myself open to financial/legal liabilities for the action of the AH. My husband is disabled from multiple strokes and I'll be darned if I'll let the actions of an alcoholic/addicted son put our life's sustaning resources at risk. He has been informed with no misunderstanding that if I ever find the car has been taken from behing locked gates that I will file a police report for a stolen vehicle. If he goes to jail for a stole vehicle offense, so be it - and I will not hesitate to press charges.
If he respects me, ok; if not, he'll deal with the consequences.......his choice.
Welcome Kasia to MIP! I've learned, in Al-anon, a very valuable program tool, it is called detachment with love and empathy. Detachment entails a loving understanding of the disease, but a hands off approach to dealing with the addict. The addict has the sole responsibility, and rightfully so, for getting their act together, because we did not cause, cannot control or cure their disease. {{HUGS}} Glad you found us and hope you keep coming back, because you are not alone!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
