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I haven't seen my adult son (30) for about two years - he lives several states away where he moved, originally, to live in a halfway house after rehab. It's been about 12 years since he got out of rehab - the halfway house lasted about two weeks - he's never worked a program and while (to my knowledge) he hasn't used crystal meth since rehab, he has used \ abused grass and alcohol and has had a series of misadventures and bad choices with jobs and college and a financial difficulties. He has worked most of the time in service jobs, been homeless a few times, and been on the fringe of society. For the past two years, our very limited and infrequent communications have been mostly via text messages - I finally found the strength to detach with love about a year ago (should have done it a LONG time ago).
He invited me to visit him ("If ya wanna come for a visit that'd be OK) and I leave in a few days for a short visit. There's so little I know about his day to day life, his ambitions (if any), and what's going on in his life, that I am really wondering what we're going to talk about when I'm there. I have avoided any questions close to "How are you?", because the last time I asked he said "I'm just waiting to die". Obviously, he has depression issues - I've offered to pay for counseling and prescribed medication, but he's refused. I am pretty sure that the chances of him working an AA program are slim to none - but I have hope, I expect a miracle, and realize that his life is in God's hands.
I am really afraid that I will start crying and never stop when I get there and see him face to face - last time I saw him I left in tears and cried for the entire flight home - it took me a long time and a lot of praying to get back to anything close to normalcy.
I have been working my program very hard, I realize that I am powerless, I realize that I can't make him better or motivate him to take steps to get better, but his situation breaks my heart and it pains my soul all day every day - the rest of my life (other kids, relationships, friends, volunteer work, money) is generally very good .
I'd really appreciate some suggestions about what to talk about with him, topics that doesn't take him and me down a path we don't wanna go - he has become pretty much a stranger to me over the past few years, and he has distanced himself from the rest of the family and had almost no contact with them. Maybe his invitation is him reaching out to me - I hope so. Besides me staying out of God's way, what can I say or do to when I'm there? I am sure that I'll go to Al Anon meetings when I'm there - should I invite him to go to an AA meeting with me (I go to AA, too).
This is so foreign to me - I know I can't fix him - I know I can tell him I love him - what else?
I'm so sorry for the pain and stress you are feeling. I'm very new to al-anon and I don't know that I can offer sound advice regarding your circumstances. I can however offer my thoughts and prayers. I will be thinking about you. I wish you a peaceful visit with your son.
HI TY I am impressed that you have agreed to visit. I would research his current location , find some places of interest that you might like to visit and be prepared to suggest them and reasons for visiting. Investigate AA and alanon meetings times and I would invite hims to attend if he would like but I would go regardless. Remember we are powerless.
I would also bring some photo albums from the past, Making sure that the pictures reflect events of happy times that your beloved son can review and reflect on the "Happy days in the past . You can then spend time taking a lovely tripdfown memory lane . This and some interesting movie or TV show should open up lines of communications. Keep an open mind, Listen to him and respond using alanon principles. Remember to stay detached and recite the serenity prayer continually .
I find it a rescue for me to have the little size daily reading from Al-Anon. Maybe AA has their own. They're easy to carry. In a situation I don't know what to expect, I can peruse the index and find a short reading to make me more confident about the upcoming meeting.
If it's not too pushy, you might bring one to leave for your beloved son, too. You'll know based on how he responds and how your visit goes.
All the best for you as you bridge the gap. Brave mama! You will do fine.
I like hotrods suggestions of picking a few places of interest to visit together, that way some fun can be a focal point to rebuilding some kind of relationship rather then focusing on all the heavy stuff lying beneath the surface. The fact that he reached out to you to have a visit, I see as positive. Its not you trying to force your way in, and who knows he may surprise you and be doing relatively okay. He is not a stranger, he is still your son and no time or distance will ever erase that bond. If it goes badly you can always leave. I will pray for you and your son to have a good visit.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Sunday 27th of September 2015 10:03:18 PM
I also am a Dad and a different personality than my alcoholic/addict son. We are detached even when we are hugging and talking story because our minds and interests are different. He is alcohol affected while I am no longer...he doesn't connect the dots very easy or at all most of the time and I keep this in mind when I am around him because it limits our relationship. I don't worry about it...I stay on program and let my HP abide me while keeping a wide open mind. Keep honest with him without boggling his head...you know Keep it simple. Ask him what turns him on and listen. Good luck on the trip ((((hugs))))
I am a mom vs. a dad but can certainly feel your pain and anxiety. I love all suggestions so far - dailies are a great tool + Betty's suggestions.
My A son who I see infrequently is still the same boy - just with a crappy illness. So, I also share recent photos of offspring as well as update him on events of interest within the family - weddings, etc. We are able to discuss sports, weather, technology, etc. - small talk that is safe for both.
It is difficult and planning meetings while youare there will help. While it's always a bit uncomfortable to attend a meeting, it's also a great adventure to meet new people. After all, we have a commonality in recovery.
Good luck - take your tools and your HP and I am sure all will go well! (((Hugs))) to you - know that you aren't alone.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I would really try to keep things simple with you son. I wouldn't try to trigger any conversation with past memories of what I may believe were happy occassions. What I might think were happy events may not have felt that way for him. I might bring current picture of family members instead of old pictures. I would ask if he cared to see them but not immediately, I'd let him lead and show his level of comfort toward me and not assume anything. The slogan Listen and Learn could be helpful for getting to know him as he is today.
If I found his appearance or the his living situation disturbing, I'd look for something about him or his place to compliment and smile warmly and lovingly as only a mom can be toward her child. I would want him to know he's acceptable to me as he is. I would want to build trust and keep the lines of communication open between us. You're his mom and you love him but he may be worried about what you'll think of him.
How he likes living in the town or state he lives would be non intrusive conversation. Are there any places of interest that he might recommend that you see during your visit? Would he like to go with you? I would try not to show disappointment if he said he'd prefer not to go. Hobbies and interests he might have now could be another topic. I would respond with what I like to do these days as well. I might ask him if he'd like to hear what others are up to these days. I would ask who would you like to know more about?
It's great that you're going to scope out where the 12 step meetings are. I would invite him in the same manner as inviting him to join you in anything else and without expectation.
I would try to be gracious while in his home, respecting his daily routines as his guest and allow him to be my host. However it all goes, he's invited you and you know he wants to share more of himself with you. That's a gift for you to keep. Hope you'll update us. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
My son has a similar story....funny how there are so many common threads. I am 2000 miles away from my son who was just released from jail, staying with a distant relative and about to become homeless AGAIN!! I have considered going to see him too. What I've told him is this: I love you just the same, no matter what is going on in your life. I want to help you but will not do anything that I feel uncomfortable with or that I think may jeopardize your sobriety.
I'd hold off on the family photos as that stuff just serves to remind them of how many mistakes they have made and makes their life look like even more of a disaster.
I like the idea of doing some activities on neutral ground....just normal stuff. Try to enjoy the time you have with him and keep the conversation "light" He knows that he's a mess, no need to point it out. When he's ready, he will get help!
Thanks so much everyone ! I've been praying and going to a lot of meetings - the sharings in the meetings are, as always, great, but the specific suggestions from you folks will be very helpful when I go to see my son. I'll have to re-read this thread a few times to make sure that I have it all inside my head - and then take it slow and easy, without any expectations - thanks so very much - I feel so much better prepared for this visit.
(((Texas Yankee)) Just bring your love along with HP and your alanon tools of detachment and acceptance and you will be fine. Prayers and positive thoughts are going with you. Please remember to update us when you return .
Hi - well, I flew back from my two day visit with my son and I'd have to say that there were more positives than negatives - he's working (two jobs), his car is running, he has a few friends that I met and they seem normal, and he lives in a normal house in a regular residential neighborhood - some of the prior places he lived were dumps that likely couldn't pass a housing inspection - he shares the house with two roommates (they both seemed normal, too), and his house while pretty messy and smoky smelling, seems to have the major stuff that a house is supposed to have - electricity, running water, AC, etc. - like they say, it could have been a lot worse.
On the negative side, he has taken up smoking again (a vapor pipe versus cigarettes), and he looks pretty rough (IMHO) with a beard and somewhat haggard look - he has lost weight. I'm not sure that I'd recognize it or not, but I didn't see any obvious signs of drug use. I think the weight loss is more due to him simply losing interest in life (depression) after breaking up with his long time girlfriend \ finance - he's still longing for her.
I was very concerned about his negative (almost sorrowful) attitude towards most everything (except shooting pool, which he really enjoys).
We had a couple of disconnects \ misunderstandings about meet up times while I was there - I stayed in a hotel - he only has WiFi email, no cell phone - he works nights, so connecting with him on his days off during the daytime was "off schedule" for him, but we got together and had at least one good conversation sitting on the beach.
There were a couple of rough spots, which we got over quickly - I think we both agreed that we each had a lot of anxiety leading up to the visit.
We're planning on me going there again in December - his suggestion - that's a good sign, I guess.
I'm still sorting out my thoughts and feelings about the trip - he's not living the kind of life I'd choose for him, but it's not my choice to make.
Thanks for all the pre-trip support - any post-trip observations?
Thanks for circling back and sharing - I was hoping your trip was good! I believe the best suggestions are to keep doing what you are doing - finding what is right with the situation. I tended to often and quickly spot what was wrong with people, places, things, situations, etc. In the program, I've worked to flip it and focus on what is right vs. what is not.
Jump into the middle of Al-Anon. Use the meetings, literature, steps, sponsor, program friends - whatever tool(s) you choose to work on you. Keep the focus on you. Remember that where he is is not on you. If he wants a better life, it's there for him. The healthier I become, the better example I think I set for what recovery can look like.
Huge (((Hugs))) to you - so glad that you made the trip and that you returned able to find what was good!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"I tended to often and quickly spot what was wrong with people, places, things, situations, etc" - LOL, I had the same issues - I found that it was easier to look for problems and then try and fix them - now that I'm no longer focused on fixing other people's stuff (well, most of the time, anyway), it is certainly more pleasant to look for good things, and even compliment the other person about the good things they've accomplished - in the case of our alcoholic loved ones, that already know about the bad stuff, having lived with it and suffered through it day by day. Thanks again everyone - I am so very grateful for you sharing your ESH with me.
