The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Short history: AH started his program after an arrest in late April. I found out he was still drinking in late August. He made a promise to stop completely that day.
--- I am trying really really hard to believe him and to detach from my need to search out the truth. But I am having a hard time with it. No, other then his past, he hasn't given me any proof or suspicions that he has had a drink or two - but I am having a rough time with stepping back and just letting it be. I find myself wanting to look for his newest hidingspot, to catch him or not find anything so I would know for sure.
-- I was strong this morning when I left our toddler with him so I could go to work (he is in daycare during the week)...I didn't look around, I fought to urge, but I am terribly anxious at work...not KNOWING that he isn't hiding a drink somewhere.
--part if me wants to leave so I can check on them but the other part of me says to calm done and just breathe...
I don't believe anything an Active A says to me .. that's just my reality based upon my own experience. I don't know if your AH is going to meetings and has a sponsor or whatever .. most people can't just stop .. there might be 1% who can I actually know someone who stopped crack after being way into it .. her mind doesn't work the way the average brain does we are talking off the books brilliant.
I trust my gut .. I trust the God of my understanding .. I allow the A to be who he is .. I can only control ME. He's going to drink or not drink .. what am I going to do??
Are you attending meetings, sponsor? What is it you are doing for your own recovery to get yourself out of these kinds of spins .. because it's not living being this obsessed over someone else. It is existing and you deserve better. I would really like the Getting Them Sober series .. she's very black belt alanon speak and it's a book you can read over and over while getting something new out of it.
This issue is a life long issue .. it's not a oh he went to a meeting and he's cured just like I am.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
For me this was "power" program at best...the "trusting God" and not looking back over my shoulder to see how things were coming around as I turned the alcoholic/addict over to my HP. This was impossible at first and then with time more workable. Considering the situation and the history of the disease relationship I had the ability and the history of not trusting her and it was justified. I always reminded myself of losses and negative consequences and could not or would not use blind hope like I use to. No!! I had to go thru like you the trying stages and I did them with the program....steps, traditions, slogans, fellowship, sponsorship and of course HP. Keep trying after all the success come from that. Let the failures fall away...those are too heavy to carry. Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))
Is he actively working a formal program of recovery?
My A usually was not, and when he was not, my instincts were right on: he was drinking. I actually did have to do some snooping to find out. My A was always very secretive and never drank in front of me, and could often maintain a kind of steady presence before he got completely plastered, so a lot of the time the evidence wasn't clear. I was suspicious but he declared he was sober and I didn't know. (I also didn't know then that alcoholics without a formal program of recovery going on will overwhelmingly be drinking. So I could have known from that but I didn't.)
From snooping, I found the bits of evidence. The stashes of bottles hidden in the basement, in the yard, even behind the sofa. The receipts. A lot of stuff he was trying to hide.
Then I knew for sure. Knowing was a horrible kind of relief. It meant that our relationship couldn't survive, but it also meant that I wasn't crazy. I got to stop that horrible in-between period of suspecting but not knowing.
I know Al-Anon often advises us not to snoop. When we know they're drinking, it just drives us nuts to find more and more evidence. But if we don't know, I think knowing is important. Especially important if a small child is involved.
Thank you for your responses. To answer your questions: No, I do not attend f2f meetings because there are none within an hour of me....I don't have a sponser for this reason. Although, I do have a close friend who has been through this with her spouse....she is there for me at all times so I look to her often....I only leave our toddler with him when there are no other options. Thankfully I usually only work one weekend a quarter....I have set a boundary - if I see proof of his drinking again, the boys (we have three) and I will leave until we sort this out, either he gets/stays sober or we get divorced. Again, thank you for your responses.
My hope is that you were able to continue on with your day and went home to have peace. I agree with Serenity - if you can't get to F2F meetings, by all means join us online. The meetings and fellowship online will certainly help you stay close to the program and re-program you to focus on what you can control/change, which is you, your thinking and your actions/reactions.
Living with this disease is tough - having a close friend who's BTDT (been there done that) is great - keep building any/all support you can. The more the better (at least for me) as I needed to surround myself with positive right-minded persons until I was a better thinker.
(((Hugs))) to you - keep posting and keep coming back! You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I could've written this post myself..it's very hard to trust an AH.I'm trying as well.I'm fairly new here....just reading posts and replies is kind of "relief"- comfort place --to me.
