The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I have been reading a lot about why I can't just let go. My ah has been moved out about 45 days now. I told him to leave after He relapsed twice since December where he was in a 30 day treatment. Since he has left he has been seeing a therapist, a minister, psychologist, another therapist and going to meetings. he is still very selfish acting and only nice when I am completely emotional-less. Every time I try and tell him how I feel we get into a huge fight. After reading the book above I realized that I was entitled to my feelings and that I should except certain things from him. When I told him that he doesn't let me have any emotions he started twisting everything like always. He started telling me I was being selfish and that just twisted everything. He even said that I treat him like a galley slave because I said he should help me without wanting constant praise for it. He book made me realize he has been abusing me verbally and manipulating me for years. Yet what surprises me is that he has no idea that he is or that I am really not doing it to him. I think that I'm having such a hard time with just letting go because it is so warped from start to finish. No validation that he has treated me this way and no way of getting him to understand how I feel or have the right to feel. It has always been about what he wants and needs and never about what his choices have done to others hat loved him. His hurts and feelings are the only thing that matters. I don't even know how to feel about this realization. I want to go make him understand, I need him to understand and yet it will never happen... And if by some miracle he does ever get it- it will destroy me and take years for him to "get it". How do I move on...??one breathe at a time. I told my daughter he wasn't coming back..she busted down crying. I told her that we have doing really good and that we have been happy this last 45 days and that the scary feeling in the house isn't there and she agreed. She told me I should marry God next bc he would never hurt us. She told me that she didn't think we would find someone else and I told her I know we will! We will find someone that loves us in a healthy way and I will be the voice and reason in her head when she is older and choosing who to love. I am depressed, excited, some big anxiety in moments but I will be ok...I know it! The book really helped me bring that blind down and see my worth. I can do this!
Something I have talked about in the past is the "Gas lighting" that goes on in an addiction based relationship .. google it for the meaning .. pretty much think about the way a sociopath can convince their victims that the bad stuff that's happening to them is actually their fault.
I would encourage you to stop wasting time making sense out of nonsense .. he's not going to see it your way because it's not how he thinks and it's just not about him.
What helped me deal with that initial disappointment of my dream dying was to realize that I was in love with his potential and honestly I wasn't being fair to my XAH. He is who he is and I was trying to make him be someone he wasn't .. one of the arguments we had after he left I was completely exasperated and my X looked at me and said S .. I do not think like you .. I was so shell shocked by that little statement I shut my mouth and pretty much told him he was right .. thank GOD he doesn't think like I do .. LOL.
I didn't get here over night and I'm definitely not going to get better over night I will get better one day at a time .. so I encourage you to be gentle with yourself allow yourself to grieve and do not worry about the next relationship. Personally with my kids being so much a part of my life it's truly going to take someone very special to want to invest time and themselves into a complex situation.
Your daughter has the right idea I think .. there is nothing wrong with marrying your HP and finding out what HP's plan is .. as you heal so will she .. and that's what I work on .. how can I heal so my kids can see how things work from a healthy stand point vs one of desperation as well as worry.
Hugs S:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aloha Helpangel have some (((((hugs)))))...Your share reminds me of the "Mission Impossible" years I went thru in early Al-Anon where the strong basic lessons were given to me. "Count the number of she's you mention when trying to get an understanding of how things are for you". Gulp...that was a big lesson part of which I had to see that I was trying to get from a very sick person something they could not and would not offer. "You are both in defensing"...was another that helped me understand that both of us were hurt and rather than seeking healing we were using blame to keep ourselves away from responsibility for our own self conditions. One thing I learned was that I was blaming my alcoholic/addict for things she wasn't even responsible for ...things that had happened to me before we even met. I had lost control of myself and held her responsible rather than myself. She has become my higher power as it seemed and when I came to see that I stopped using her as the reason and cause of all of my distresses. It was impossible I was taught by my sponsor that she could be the cause of so many of my problems. I became amazed at how I had made her the default cause of my unhappiness and stresses and my sponsor told me "SSSSTTTTTOOOOP!" He said it that loud to get thru my inner voice of justification for my ills that always bought her up for the cause of my irresponsibility's. No alcoholic would be able to survive thru what I was laying on her. After a while the tool of compassion and empathy kept me away from the blame practice and while we still went into separation and then divorce it wasn't about who was bad or hurtful...it was to keep ourselves out of each other's way which I came to know was the right thing to do using my HP. When we finally separated and just as I was returning home to Hawaii we met by accident or good fortune and we embraced with love and awareness...we had no reason to be married in the first place.
What also has your sponsor and home group taught you?
Of course your AH and You have different views...you are supposed to. I learned that my alcoholic/addict and I we exactly alike with the exceptions of age and gender and at times we could and would nod in assent to similar views. Try going to open AA meetings with him and see how many times both of you will nod to the same stated understanding. We learn in differences and grow just the same. "No two people can stand in the same spot at the very same time" is one early lesson in recovery that helped me to accept myself and my alcoholic/addict for exactly who we were at any one time. I learned to live one day at a time and not predict the future of talk about a certain outcome and while I violated that rule over and over for a while I was able to learn how to live in a single 24 hour period of time and be satisfied just having an open mind knowing I was getting help with the processes and outcomes. I would not allow anything to take me out of "the day" and my life became simple and still is. I cannot predict the will of God or God's intentions for me or others. I've learned to say "I'm wrong" and be grateful for that and then go on to the next gratitude my 3rd step prayer...."Place me where you want me...tell me what to do".
Should you stay or go...do not allow anyone of us to make up that decision for you. In the end that is a decision you must arrive at after listening to the voice of your HP. Though your AH might be of one condition or another...those are his not yours. They become yours when you take the time to consider possibilities and consequences as you have been doing now. Good on you. Thanks for the lessons. ((((hugs))))
One of the things that trapped me into being stuck with my ex for a long time was the need to convince him of the truth. It's how he held on to me. But actually, if he had been capable of seeing the truth, we wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place.
When I try to understand it, I think some of it is that I was replaying an old tape - the tape of trying to convince my parents to be different and to love me and protect me. They actually did love me in the way they could, but they didn't know how to do what was right for me and to see me for what I am and what I needed. I always yearned for them to do this, and I think I transferred that yearning to my A.
In the end I took the saying "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." I probably said it to myself half a million times. Because I'd replay the conversation in my head in which I talked to my A and he understood and I "won." But I could never make it happen in real life. I had to give up on the idea of "winning" in order to be free of the misery and insanity.
Great thread and great posts everyone. It took me a while to mature to the point of understanding that my truth is just that, my truth. There is not another person, sober or not, program or not that processes as I do. What is such a marvelous gift in this program is that it's helped me change my thinking and processing. I don't have to be right. I don't have to convince others of my thoughts, feelings, intent, etc. All I need to do is trust God, keep my side of the street clean and help others.
The rest just seems to fall in place. If I am blessed to have people in my life who think like me sometimes, I am grateful. For my program, it's about acceptance, expectations and detaching. If I can align those in a positive manner, I can get through just about anything.
(((Helpangel))) - huge hugs for you. Be gentle with you and know that we're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mattie, I love the expression "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." I had a very seasoned lady in one of my meetings that would always say, "stop throwing the ball back". She said we were playing a game of catch and I would keep on throwing the ball back instead of letting the ball fall where it would and then turn my back and walk away. Stop playing. I did. It wasn't easy because he wanted to play ball and kept trying to make me play with him. We didn't separate but I did learn how to detach and how to let him be him without my need to control or change him. I stopped playing with him and started doing what I needed to do for me instead..... because I knew he wouldn't and couldn't.
