The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not been on this board for a very long time but I attend about two f2f meetings a week. I have been in Al-Anon since 2011. I am going through some really hard stuff right now and I'm so grateful to have Al-anon to turn to. I went to three meetings this week, which helped, but they sort of felt helpless and, in a way, pointless, because I was so lost. I cried at the Thursday night meeting before the Steps were even being read. I called my sponsor Tuesday and told her I was dropping out of Al-Anon because I was acting crazy so whats the point. She gave me very sound advice. She said "It's okay you're flipping out and acting crazy. Its okay you're not thinking clearly right now and falling apart." I feel like this is exactly what my HP would say to me had He/She been speaking (and in a way He/She was.)
I do not want to bore anyone with the details because it is always the same thing over and over again with alcoholism/addiction. I will explain briefly because it feels really great to be typing. In 2011 I found out that my husband had a wicked addiction. I got into Al-anon and he entered rehab, then AA. He was sober and clean from November 2011-May 2015. In this time span, I worked hard on me. I got a sponsor in Al-anon, worked the steps to the best of my ability, learned to mediatate, pray and rely on my HP. Then I got pregnant. My husband and I had a beautiful baby boy in November 2013. He is almost two now. I continued in Al-anon, quit my job to care for my son, then got pregnant again in February 2015. I am currently 8 months pregnant. In May, when I was about 4 months along, my husband relapsed. It was a short stint and he got clean again, upped his meetings, started steps again with sponsor, started seeing a therapist. My husband just relapsed again and has been using his drug of choice for a month. I found out Sunday night because I gave him a test. I have a boundary that if he is high he needs to leave the home, for all our safety, so I keep these tests that I can give him if I suspect there is reason he is not safe to be around. So, Sunday night he packed up and left for the night. The next day I decided that to keep him out was just punishment, that if he was not using he could come home.
Keep in mind, he is not a danger, or even verbally mean. He is just unreliable, like he might fall asleep while giving my son a bath or something, which is obviously a safety concern in itself. So, he came back Monday and is on a medically prescribed medication to curb cravings and prevent going into a bad withdrawal. He does have a plan in place and is still seeing his therapist, I am actually going with him on Wednesday to see her too.
My reason for writing is not about my husband, its about me. On Tuesday night I went ballistic. Its like I had a manic episode. It was like I've never heard of or been to an Al-anon meeting in my life. I was a lunatic. I threw toys in front of my son, I was screaming, I was stalking someone related to his addiction on Facebook and drove to her place of work to return a gift he had purchased for me, through this person, because he was really there for other reasons and used buying me a gift as a cover. He was there to buy drugs from her. I was so mad. He had bought me this anniversary gift but it was just because he needed a reason to be in that store. Anyway, the girl was not working. But this is like out of line behavior. I have not acted like this in close to five years. There was like no seeing his addiction as a disease, I was livid and hateful. I said extremely hurtful things to him. Now, keep in mind I am 8 months pregnant. I am humongous, I can barely walk. My hormones are out of whack. I am not making excuses, but I do think this played into my out of control behavior Tuesday because when all this was going on, I knew I was crazy, but I honestly could not stop. I was absolutely manic.
So I reached out. I called my sponsor, I got to meetings, and now I am here, typing my heart out. I know its a disease. After a couple days to calm down I can separate the things he did with the person he actually is. The anger has subsided and all that's left is surrender. I am living absolutely one day at a time. I decide daily [is it safe for him to be in the house today?] if the answer is yes then he stays, if i think its not then I will ask him to leave and he will. There is not violence or even anger from him. He does not blame me or anyone but himself, he quietly packs his bag and leaves. I told him if he wants the life of a junkie, if he wants to just be with his addiction, that I will always love him. He cant be here with us, but I will love him and pray for him. He does not want that, who would!!? But he cant have his cake and eat it too, especially with a two year old and newborn due in a month. So he is trying and wants to keep his family. I do not know what tomorrow brings, just for today, I believe he is in a normal state of mind so he is free to be in his home with us. I do not know what tomorrow will look like.
This is a thought I had earlier this morning: Let me remember to love with all my heart. Allow me to grow with age, and even wither, humbly, with time and gravity. If I focus on myself, striving to better what I have to work with, I will be the beautiful light within, permeating outward.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
((Micelle)) i can identify with your feelings and reactions to them. When I experienced a similar breakdown my sponsor assured me that I was very human. Alanon does not prevent me from having feelings( as today's reading in the C2C states), it just gives me an alternative as to what response I might choose.
Glad that your came here to share and allow yourself to process the experience in a healthy fashion. Congrats on having a little 2 years old with another on the way.
Please do keep coming backs your ESH are precious. I love the last sentence in your posting as you are indeed a beautiful light that permeates outward . :)
It sounds like you did all the things you needed to do to take care of yourself.
I hope you are also remembering to be gentle with yourself. I find it helpful to remind myself that my program is all about practice, not perfection.
(((hugs)))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Michelle, you recognize what has happened, which is the biggest part of this battle. It is your time to regroup and refocus on yourself and the Al-anon principles, which you already know and are doing. You should be proud that you can see what has happened and are doing something about it. Congratulations on the birth of your new child. Keep coming back, you are not alone.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hey sister...great to see your avatar and read your ESH. You've been doing good with what you have learned and remembered to bring a gift back to your MIP family also.
This is a thought I had earlier this morning: Let me remember to love with all my heart. Allow me to grow with age, and even wither, humbly, with time and gravity. If I focus on myself, striving to better what I have to work with, I will be the beautiful light within, permeating outward.
(((Michelle))) - thank you for your powerful share. I can relate to many elements of it and applaud your willingness to step back, regroup and go forward.
It would be so great if there was a manual for dealing with this disease....there is not. We do the best we can with what we have and some days we have 'more' than others.
I applaud your courage and the actions/steps you took to get right-minded. What a gift to know that it's progress we strive for - not perfection. I also love that when we slip and/or fall, we can get up and restart, with success after we surrender.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your ESH! Miracles in progress - yes you are!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
After a couple days to calm down I can separate the things he did with the person he actually is.
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These words that you wrote at the end of your post have me needing to say to you that the person he actually is is the person that you see in front of you. Addiction is a progressive thing. It does not get better. It only gets arrested if he wants to arrest it where it is. The person you are remembering is the person he was a few years ago. The addiction has progressed since that time and he has changed. If he changes back to who he used to be is up to him and lots of meetings and lots of time. It doesn't help you to imagine he is still that same "innocent" person that is not the progressively addicted person. The fact that he is quietly packing his stuff to go away when you tell him to leave makes me think he also knows he has changed but he also knows he has a great thing right now that he doesn't want to upset. He can come home to a loving family and make believe he is "normal" and then go out and satisfy his cravings when he wants to too.
I don't blame you at all for your screaming rants toward him. You are dealing with some hard stuff with an addicted spouse and being so hormonal and having nesting urges (thanks mother nature) and being so afraid of the future. You are not a robot. You have feelings.
Went to five alanon meetings in seven days. Just taking life one day at a time. I appreciate everyone's responses. Can't say I know what to do except to focus on having a baby in a month. As for my husband, when I said I can take a step back and see the person he actually is, I am talking about separating the disease from the person. He is not his disease. He is a person. Me kicking him while he's down will not make him or me better. Today I choose to focus on me and give him the dignity or space to choose to do whatever he decides to do. If he's unsafe to be in the home, I'll have him leave, but for me to make some huge decision right now is just not going to happen. I can't handle it. So I choose no choice, just to take it one day at a time and find joy for my son and I, whether my husband is on track or not.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Michelle - I agree with Jerry - sounds as if you are on your recovery journey. May you continue to find peace as you choose you over the disease! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome back Michelle. This is a tough situation, but certainly not impossible with time, prayer, patience and the program. Hugs to you... hang in there ODAT. Wish I had some amazing "magic wand" kind of ESH - I don't. I'm just here doing this thing daily and sometimes hourly like you are. I feel better knowing I'm not alone.
