The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today was tough. I did not hear from my ex. As the day went on, and he didn't reach out I couldn't help but feel deflated. I work as a hospice nurse, and I find that lately it's been difficult to focus on the care of my patients because I start to ruminate over what transpired. I reached out to close friends and vented some. It's tough to talk about what happened between my ex and I, because part of me is embarrassed about how things turned out, and part of me does not want to demonize him. I still have so much love for him despite how he's hurt me. I recognize that he is not able to give me what I need out of the relationship, but I'm still restless and hoping for him to reach out to me and offer some love/care (since I shared so much of my heart with him and trusted him).
I realize in my intellectual mind that I need to make peace with this situation myself, and I have A LOT of work to do. I know that I may not ever get the understanding/apology/care from him that I SO yearn for. But I do have hope that I will come out of this stronger. My heart just keeps pulling me back to the fantasy that we will have some kind of reconciliation.
My mom knows that this week has been especially tough for me and sent me something from a book she is reading. It brought me some peace. I found myself immediately wanting to share it with my ex, because he was always a person I would send inspirational sayings to. I just miss him so much. I hope that he's making peace with his life. I also hope he hasn't totally turned off the switch on loving me. This is all so vulnerable to put in writing because I know this is not where my focus should be.
Anyway, here is what my mom sent me. I hope it can encourage/inspire/bring peace to you.
There is no expected pace for inner learning. What we need to learn comes when we need it, no matter how old or young, no matter how many times we have to start over, no matter how many times we have to learn the same lesson. We fall down as many times as we need to, to learn how to fall and get up. We fall in love as many times as we need to, to learn how to hold and be held. We misunderstand the many voices of truth as many times as we need to, to truly hear the choir of diversity that surrounds us. We suffer our pain as often as is necessary for us to learn how to break and how to heal. No one really likes this, of course, but we deal with our dislike in the same way, again and again, until we learn what we need to know about the humility of acceptance.
I hear so many similarities between what you wrote and where I started out with my ex. It has been some time for me ( a few years) I still have love in my heart for him, but time and being able to change my POV to more objective helped greatly. I can see your struggle in your words, but there is a light at the end of your tunnel. Keep working your steps and things will keep improving. It is ok to feel love and care for your ex still, and it is ok for you to accept your caring. For me it kind of felt like a death when I accepted my husbands addiction. I had a grieving period for the loss or 'death' of our relationship as it had been. (hope that makes sense)
I wish you the best and thank you very much for the inspirational message. I enjoyed it!
{{RS}}, thank you for posting and sharing, learning in the midst of turmoil and heartbreak is always so difficult. When I am in that spot you are in, I try to focus on the immediate and present moment and remind myself of all the good I have and that HP is watching over me. That HP has a lesson for me to learn and when I only focus on my pain and turmoil that I am not open to learning what HP wants me to.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
TY for sharing that - very, very powerful and so true. My experience is that when I am in pain is when I am willing to do the most work so I can get to the other side. Each and every painful experience of my life has taught me something which makes me who I am today, which is hopefully better than yesterday.
You are grieving and grieving happens. The serenity prayer, as simple as it is is spot on for me when I am 'stuck' in place.
(((hugs))) to you - you will get to the other side! Be kind to yourself and gentle with your soul...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. This site has given me a place to go when I'm feeling weak and defeated. I appreciate your kindness and support.
Mahalo Restless for your share and love and prayers going out your way. Reading your post brought to mind a day I had an appointment with my counselor at the VA. The trauma? consequences of being in an addictive relationship with an alcoholic/addict wife with only the experiences of having been born and raised in our disease and getting no where from the effort. He asked me, "What do you supposed it feels like to be loved by you"? and I cried uncontrollably. I wanted to know what it felt like and the only answers I had gotten up until that time were horrible. I had to learn how to love myself so I would then know the answer to that question and now I know...its wonderful...so awesome. Mahalo for the share....keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words, as always. It is so great for me to be able to vent in a safe place without fear of being judged or misunderstood.
Jerry,
What you said REALLY got to me: "What do you suppose it feels like to be loved by you?" SO powerful. I had glimpses of that love from my ex; but always followed by the uncertainty, mood swings, and selfishness. I set myself up to be a victim in this relationship by ignoring the warning signs because I wanted SO BADLY to be loved by him. I don't think I've ever really taken the time to TRULY care for myself, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. I am so happy that you have found the love that you SO deserve. Thank you again for reaching out.
Rinn,
Thank you for your message. I feel so defeated lately. My ex is 1 1/2 years sober; I met him 7 months in, and we lasted 11 months. I could see his struggle, restlessness, and fragility when things got stressful for him. As mentioned in my first post, he recently moved into a house with 3 other guys, one of them being a person that he used to drink/use with. He just moved away from the safety of his parents for the first time in 31 years to be closer to work. I am also his only sober relationship, and only person that he ever brought into his family. I honestly don't understand what his rational is; moving in with someone he used with, and kicking me to the curb without looking back, when his plan is to "work on his character defects" and focus on sobriety. I know this is his journey but I DON'T GET IT!!!!!! I'm especially sick over this tonight. It's hard to keep the focus on myself, and not on him when I am hurting so badly.
