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level.
I'm looking for some guidance on what others think of my current situation.
I am in AA and so is my wife. (9 years and 5 years) We understand the program well but my older brother still struggles. My parents are also huge enablers to my brother and my mom's health is not good. I have plans to visit my mom who got out of the hospital this last week and my dad informed me that my brother will be there because he got fired and is now trying to get into treatment. I have set up boundaries with him and told him how I feel about his continued alcohol abuse. I will still go to visit because my mom's health is more important than avoiding my brother. My wife said she will not go because she does not want to be around my brother. I told her that I will support her decision and I have talked with my sponsor and caught myself thinking about how this affects me and my relationship with my parents which I know is not healthy. I told my wife that I will support her decision but am trying not to let this affect my actions towards her and also I'm not sure how to explain to parents why she is not there? She loves my parents and also cares for my brother but is angry with my brother's behavior and chooses to not be around him. We also just saw my Mom two weeks ago while in short term rehab center and they live 2 hours away so it is a full day to go out there.
Welcome to MIP MDB. Glad you found us. We learn in Al-anon that we cannot control others. I think it is admirable that you have respected your wife's wishes.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Alanon helps. Seems your wife may have forgotten who she was 5 years ago. I hate being around active drunks too (7 years sober in AA) but I am able to weigh out priorities now and being there for my spouse and other family would be more important. But alas, can't control her, your brother, or parents. I feel for you though....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 25th of September 2015 09:02:29 PM
Welcome to MIP, it is interesting to note alcoholism does have a trickle-down effect within the entire family. It is completely understandable why recovery in Al-Anon is so very important. The subtle changes to our actions and reactions occur without our even knowing it. The Al-Anon opening states we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it.
There are many double winners in Al-Anon and I do believe that you and your partner would benefit greatly from attending. It is here I learned to focus on myself, place principles above personalities, and treat everyone with courtesy and respect as they are all entitled to live their lives as they choose.
Respecting your wife's decision not to go to visit your parents is your choice. I would ask her to give you a suggestion as to how to go about explaining her absence to them. It might be as simple as stating that she had a prior engagement.
Please do search out Al-Anon face to face meetings and attend
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. Face-to-face Al-Anon meetings can be very valuable to all of us who have been affected by loved ones' alcoholism. I hope you will find one near you. There are also online meetings here.
You probably already know the saying "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." I would interpret that as meaning that you can say to your parents outright why your wife chooses not to come. It sounds to me as if she finds your brother's alcoholic behaviors so stressful or painful that for her own protection she just can't allow herself to be around them. That seems as if it could be fair and even wise to me. Often family members remember others before their alcoholism started, so they retain that extra piece of love and sympathy and goodwill even despite the alcoholic's chaos and insanity later. But others who come in late in the game don't have that early start and have experienced 100% alcoholic behavior. The degree of stress is pretty intense.
It sounds like you could use some good support while you're there too - you have your mom's ill health and your brother's bad situation both, and your wife won't be physically there as a shoulder to lean on. However justified her decision, that makes it a situation where extra support would be great for you. Maybe there are local AA or Al-Anon meetings? Or your sponsor will be at the other end of the phone? Or other things that can help you weather the challenge. And we're always here too. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared.
I am a double winner as referenced above. I'm in AA (28 years next month) and in Alanon too - 5+ years.
I am from a family of Irish Catholics, so if I chose to avoid excessive drinking, I'd need to find a new family to hang with. What I've discovered in my sobriety journey is everybody knows who over-indulges and everybody tends to either avoid or enable. Rarely (in my family) is there a middle ground. It's strange but that's what happens. We would never exclude anyone for any reason as that's just the way we roll. There have been times over the years where someone has been missing from a family event and a wide variety of reasons given. In my family, nobody really cares and the only one who misses out is the one who didn't appear.
I understand and respect your wife's decision. If it makes you sad, mad, disappointed, etc. that's OK too. It's a tough situation and there are no rule books. Each person needs to be allowed to do what they need/want to do. Here's where I have drawn the line....I don't make excuses for another nor do I fib for them. I won't enable the active alcoholics in my family so I won't enable the sober ones either.
I believe it's your wife who needs to be able to share why she's not coming. She can write a card and send it with you, she can call ahead or whatever, but you shouldn't have to 'own someone else's monkey'. You are doing your duty for your parents, the drunk bro has nothing to do with it and it's not about him (or your wife). It's about your mother and seeing her because she's sick.
We've all had to do things we didn't want to - some harder than others. But, in sobriety, we learn how to be responsible and accountable. If your spouse is truly that uncomfortable that she can not go, she needs to share that. In our family, we kind of stopped dancing around the issues and just share as best we can the realness.
Al-Anon has helped me tremendously with saying what I mean and meaning what I say, but not meanly. One of my favorite lines from both programs, "Not my circus - not my monkeys..." My best suggestion - if at all possible, get out of the middle...My husband is introverted and I have a large family. He used to show up and want to leave fast, so we began driving separate. Over the years, he sometimes goes and sometimes doesn't. If he doesn't go, and I am asked, I just say he didn't want to come. Nobody challenges him, nobody calls him - people have come to accept that different styles/strokes for different folks.
(((Hugs to you both))) - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
