Hi all, it has been sometime since I have posted, but I do read here often for E/S/H. As of late I have such a mixed bag of thoughts and feelings. My AH has now been sober 17 months. He attends meetings, has a sponsor and will on occasion attend an event (not often).

Although there has been growth, I still feel so much anger, disappointment, resentment and sadness towards him and about him that sometimes I wonder if this relationship, this marriage is what I really want for my own self. I thought that as I kept growing in the program, these feelings wouldn't keep coming back so often. Sometimes I attribute them to seeing him be Mr. Wonderful to his AA fellows, his sponsor who everyday when they talk whines about is failing marriage and I over hear my AH laughing as the man puts his wife down or offering advice on marriage (REALLY). Other times I attribute this to the fact that maybe I have not fully let go of the mess, and then I get upset at me because I think am trying so hard to do that, yet messy feelings come up. I get resentful when I see Mr. Wonderful in action, yet he is half time Mr Wonderful at home and with his family, our faith, our community outside of the AA walls. It's incredulous to me that family is generally excluded from the program and that it's not really addressed that if you are Mr. Wonderful with us, you better be in other areas of your life actually all areas of your life as well. God forbid if you attempt a conversation on this reflection, because the push back and the answer of I am doing everything I can sounds fake and manipulative. Quite possibly the entire mess of feelings is the result of general lack of trust and weariness that anything coming out of his mouth is untrue.

It continues to amaze me how it's so very easy for A's to want accolades, constant praise, constant spotlight. I mean some of my anger comes from having to hear about how great he is because his child support is finally paid off, it's a time for everyone to praise him now, but in reality it was a responsibility you chose to ignore, a responsibility that when you didn't keep up your end of the agreement, caused myself, his kids and his dad agnst. Whether he wants to acknowledge the truth of the matter, that as we did our best to pay him up when the walls were falling down, we did it. I would bail him out at the final hour because his lack of paying had effects on my bank account, my home, my tax refunds and more. The constant seeking of praise for holding a job drives me absolutely insane. Again, reality check, you work to have a home to live in, lights on, running water, food in your belly etc. It slays me to hear him tell me how much he is helping around the house, well by gosh by golly, you live in the house too, it's your responsibility to help maintain.

I often reflect on how long does it take someone to get over themselves and the self-seeking, self-centered behavior. I also reflect on my own self and wonder am I being selfish because I can't let go every single minute of every single day, forgive, let bygones be bygones.

I think at times this mixed bag of emotions is coming from a place of fear. In 3 short months he will be off probation. I don't trust him one iota that he will not use again. That makes me sad. I don't trust that once he is "off paper", he won't just slide right back into his addiction. I am afraid of that because as someone wise told me it's because I know the damage he can do.

I am trudging forward, working hard at trying to keep my side of the street clean, and do my thing. I just sometimes wish for a magic wand that could sweep this all away.

Thanks for listening all and many hugs to everyone.